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| Crier Quotes | "They say having a rabbit's foot is lucky. But the way I see it, if that rabbit is so lucky, how come I got his foot?"
- Billy Bob Thornton | | Trending News | At the Consumer Electronics Show, Roborock unveiled its new flagship vacuum equipted with a robotic arm that can pick up small objects. It was described as a "game changer" by industry pros and "the final boss" by dogs. | A new report indicates Hialeah, Florida, contains the highest percentage of physically inactive adults. Which makes sense because if they could move it would be out of Hialeah, Florida. | At some bars, ordering an "angel shot" is a code asking the bartender to help you deal with a threatening problem. And ordering a tequila shot is a code asking for a bartener to help you make a mistake. | Ben Affleck and Jenifer Lopez have reportedly settled their divorce. According to the agreement, Affleck will receive his sanity and Lopez gets half of Dunkin. | | Feature | Unlimited Power! Man Yelling at TV Reverses Call on Field | As long as sports have been on television, there have been men yelling at them, almost always to no avail. But all that changed Sunday as local sports enthusiast Mike Thompson discovered he could control what happens on the field by yelling at the TV. | It started near the end of the first quarter. When head official Howie Smith announced that there was no penalty for holding on the play — prompting Thompson to yell "WHAT ARE YOU BLIND?! HE'S ALL OVER HIM! YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT CALL!" What many thought to be just a casual complaint, mysteriously resulted the referees huddling together before reversing the decision. | "At first, I thought it was just a coincidence," said Thompson, who quickly tested his newfound ability on the next drive. As the play clock ticked down, Thompson shouted "TIME OUT! TIME OUT!" and the officials immediately began blowing their whistles. "That's when I realized – holy shit, they can hear me." | During a crucial review in the third quarter, the network cut to their rules analyst Ted Sherman for clarification. "If you look at the defender's left hand," Sherman began, before Thompson unleashed a tirade of obscenities. "THAT'S HORSESHIT! THIS CLOWN DOESN'T KNOW A FOOTBALL FROM A FRUIT BASKET! FIRE THIS JOKER!" Moments later, play-by-play announcer Jim Roberts broke in: "We're getting word that Ted Sherman has been relieved of his duties, effective immediately." | Witnesses described Thompson's transformation from confused observer to maniacal game-controller with growing unease. "Every time the refs did what he said, his eyes got wilder." said longtime friend Dave Martinez. "By the fourth quarter, he was standing on the coffee table like some kind of deranged conductor, drunk with power." | With only seconds remaining, all that was left was to line up in victory formation and kneel. But with two points needed to cover his bet, Thompson had different ideas. He ordered the referees to call two consecutive neutral zone infractions, putting the offense in field goal range. With his voice hoarse, he summoned his strength for one final command, "KICK IT YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!" As the ball floated through the uprights, a tear streamed down Thompson's face. "I am become Death, destroyer of point spreads." | Thompson's newfound powers appeared to have lasting effects. On the drive home, he wondered what else he could command. When he came to a red light, he thought, what the hell. Reaching deep within himself, he yelled, "GREEN!" and it was. | | Looking to elevate your brand with a custom hat? | | Don't make it just any hat. Make it a Branded Bills hat. | Why? They make quality merch (especially hats) that people actually want to wear. | Don't just take it from us, here is what one of their recent clients has to say: | "I think Branded Bills is memorable because it is more of a lifestyle brand for us. It's not just employees wearing them to work or technicians wearing them out in the field; they're wearing them to bowling alleys, sporting events, etc, and they're repping our brand which is exactly what we want." Rebecca Ferguson, Empire CAT | Want some more? Get $200 off your first order over $1000 with the code NEWSLETTER. | If this is what you want (and we're guessing you do), hit up Branded Bills. | | Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week's issue and want to support future editions, please share it! | | If someone shared this issue with you, let's cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below. | | Follow on Instagram |  | www.instagram.com/the.crier |
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Keep a civil tongue.