Over the years I have had a number of people come for pastoral counseling concerning their relationships. Often the relationship in question is a marriage, but not always. Parent-child relationships are also sources of deep grief and pain. Very often the pain and damage in a parent-child relationship is the material cause of further pain and damage in a marriage relationship later on in life. Very often the core issue is one of relational idolatry.
As I said before, we are all born with a deep and aching need to be fully known and fully loved. We are also born sinful and thus are fundamentally unattractive in many ways. We know this about ourselves, even if we don't admit it. Our ugliness always repels other people to some degree and at some level, and we sense it, even if they hide it well, or overlook our ugliness and treat us differently than we deserve. This sets up a real problem for us. Here's why that's so.
Psychologists tell us that we get our self-image or our identity based on what we think the most important person in our life thinks of us. To the degree that we perceive that the most important person in our lives accepts us and loves us, we see ourselves as basically acceptable. We are at rest in our souls. To the degree that we perceive that the most important person in our lives rejects us, we are ill at ease in our souls. We are filled with pain and anxiety. Because we are helpless to fix our ugliness and sinfulness, and because they are fundamentally unattractive, and because our human loves can be damaged or even destroyed by the ugly and unattractive things we do, we can never be fully loved and accepted by another person. Nor can we fully love and accept another. If we think we can, then we are simply dwelling in deception. We will be in for a rude and painful shock one day...
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