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2012/01/03

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How to Write a Ph.D. Dissertation

Posted: 03 Jan 2012 05:16 AM PST

E. Robert Schulman and C. Virginia Cox
Charlottesville, Virginia

Abstract

In this paper we demonstrate that writing a Ph.D. dissertation can have many benefits. Not only do you obtain extensive typesetting experience, but afterwards you can have your frequent-flyer literature addressed to “Dr. Your Name.”

Chapter I: Introduction

Ph.D. dissertations (e.g., Schulman 1995a; Cox 1995) are commonly believed to be comprehensive compendiums of the original research done by a graduate student in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy.² In reality, the Ph.D. thesis is usually a number of disparate chapters whose most important feature is not the thoroughness of the experimental description but rather the width of the margins. In this paper, the second article in a series on scientific writing that began with Schulman (1996a), we will discuss the phenomenon of the Ph.D. thesis.

Chapter II: Preparing to Write

There comes a time in the life of every graduate student when she or he realizes that another two years of graduate school cannot be endured. Even though a year spent writing your thesis will be filled with frustration and angst, it will end up being worth it in order to escape school forever.

Remember the following phrase: “No one will ever read your thesis.” You’ll hear this phrase a number of times as you finish up, and it’s vitally important that you believe it to be true. The phrase is important because without it you would be tempted to work on your thesis until everything is perfect, and you would never finish.

(Image credit: Flickr user lunita lu)

Say “It’s good enough for the thesis” to yourself several times a day. Tell yourself that you’ll correct all the mistakes when you turn the various chapters into independent scientific papers, even though this won’t happen (see Schulman 1996aand references therein).

Chapter III: Your Thesis Committee

Your thesis committee should consist of between four and nine researchers in and outside of your field. Each committee member has a specific duty.

Your thesis advisor has the most important job: to reassure you that you don’t have to do many of the things you’re positive you should do. She or he will likely say, “It’s good enough for the thesis” fairly often.

You also need one committee member who will insist on more mathematical rigor, one who will demand that the thesis be made more concise by getting rid of all that irrelevant math, and two or three to say that you should do all the things your thesis advisor told you didn’t need to be done.

There should also be at least one committee member who will never read the thesis, and who will therefore ask only general questions at your thesis defense. The other graduate students who attend your defense will often bet on which professors read your thesis. Be prepared to determine the winner (note that it is not considered sporting to participate in this game yourself).

Try to set a defense date early so as to give your committee ample time to schedule conferences, vacations, and/or elective surgery for that day.

Chapter IV: Producing the Thesis

Legend has it that doctoral students in ancient times used to produce their dissertations using a device called a “typewriter.” While there is some archeological evidence for typewriter use in the past, many researchers doubt the plausibility of such claims (e.g. Schulman 1995a).

(Image credit: Flickr user urbanmkr)

These days, dissertations are produced using word processing programs such as Word or Word Perfect, or computer typesetting systems such as TeX or LaTeX. The former will give you practice in drawing by hand all the symbols that aren’t supported, while with the latter you have the opportunity to craft new typesetting definitions to satisfy your university’s dissertation policies. For example,

\long\def\printfrontnonchapter{\vfil\eject \rightpage\null\vskip 1in \centerline{{\bf \Uppercase{\frontnonchapterheader}}}\vskip 22pt plus 73pt \relax\bigskip\setwidespacing \frontnonchaptertext\par} (Jerius 1992).

Be sure not to choose the wrong method of producing your thesis.

Chapter V: Writing the Thesis

The Ph.D. thesis usually begins with a pithy quote, after which there will sometimes be a dedication to one’s parents, life partner, and/or pet tapir.

Following this is probably the most important part of the dissertation: the acknowledgments section. This is the only section that everyone who picks up your thesis will read. They will happen upon your dissertation in the library and flip through the first few pages, looking for a juicy acknowledgments section. This is your chance to make obscure references to secret loves, damn various faculty members with faint praise, or be very mysterious by having no acknowledgments section at all so that everyone wonders what you’re hiding.

After the acknowledgments should be the various tables of contents, denoting the page numbers on which the reader may find every section, subsection, subsubsection, figure, table, appendix, footnote, and semicolon in the thesis.

Next comes the first thesis chapter, the introduction, which is judged on the basis of how far back in the past you start. Although the introduction is supposed to enable someone with no knowledge of your field to read and understand your thesis, this is an impossible goal. Instead, simply reference sources such as Rontgen (1896), Galileo (1610), Aristotle (-350), or other similarly ancient researchers. The idea to get across is that your work, being based on the work of great scientists of the past, must be truly worthwhile. Even though these works have little to do with your research, your committee isn’t going to look up the references.

After the introduction come chapters that describe what you did, where you did it, when you did it, why you did it, and how much more work has to be done before you can obtain definitive results. This last point is usually discussed in the concluding chapter.

Chapter VI: The Thesis Defense

Remember those dreams you used to have about going to class and finding out that there was a big test that day for which you hadn’t studied? The thesis defense is worse, because you find out that although you studied very hard, you didn’t study the right things.

Your committee members aren’t going to waste their time asking you about your research, because you know more about that than anyone else in the world. Instead, they will ask questions that are really about their research or–if they are in a particularly punchy mood–about fundamental mathematics.

The fun part is that at most universities the first part of your defense is open to the public, so that your parents will probably want to come and videotape the event.

(Image credit: Flickr user chnrdu)

Chapter VII: Rewriting

Your thesis defense was tough, but you survived. Your committee members have signed a piece of paper saying that they are satisfied with your dissertation as long as your thesis advisor is happy with the revisions you make. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to make everything perfect! Remember the phrase from Chapter II, “No one will ever read your thesis.”

Once your advisor is happy with the revisions, take one unbound, unperforated, paginated copy of your dissertation, two copies of your abstract, one extra copy of your title page, the signed evaluation forms from your committee members in a sealed, notarized envelope, the receipt proving your payment of the Thesis Publication Fee, your diploma application, and proof of your doctoral candidacy enrollment to the Bureaucratic Office of Records, Education, and Dissertations (your requirements may vary; void where prohibited).

The folks at BORED will take a ruler to every page in your thesis, making sure that all the margins are correct and insisting that you go back and redo them if even one page is wrong.

Chapter VIII: Distributing Your Thesis

You’ve passed the format check, and it’s time to make a hundred copies of your thesis and distribute them to departmental libraries all over the world so that everyone in your field can read it. Your advisor should pay for the photocopying and postage (see Schulman & Cox 1997 for a detailed justification).

Try not to think of all the errors lurking in your thesis as you address the envelopes to Professor Famous or Doctor Influential. You want to publicize your dissertation as much as possible so that prospective employers will at least have heard your name.

Some journals will publish brief summaries of your dissertation (e.g. Schulman 1995b; Schulman 1996b), but be warned that these journals may want you to format your summary quite specifically. The requirements for the mini-Annals of Improbable Research are particularly restrictive; it can be difficult to summarize five years of work in five lines of text.

Chapter IX: Conclusion

(Image credit: Flickr user Mr.Tea)

Congratulations, Doctor! You’ve escaped from graduate school and can now have your frequent-flyer literature addressed to Dr. Your Name, complain when forms only list Mr/Ms/Mrs, and smirk when surgeons whine about all the people with academic doctorates who are making the title meaningless for medical doctors. Go out and make the world a better place.

Bibliography

Notes

1. There is no note 1.
2. One does not actually need to include any philosophy in the thesis unless one is getting a Doctorate of Philosophy in philosophy, and even in that case the philosophical component can be minimized (e.g., Kaplan 1996).

__________________________

This article is republished with permission from the September-October 1997 issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. You can download or purchase back issues of the magazine, or subscribe to receive future issues. Or get a subscription for someone as a gift!

Visit their website for more research that makes people LAUGH and then THINK.

The Land Art of Richard Shilling

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 08:48 PM PST

Land artists take naturally occurring materials in the wild and rearrange them into works of art. That’s what Richard Shilling does, using no glue, string, or any other materials. You can see some prime examples of his ingenuity at the link. Shilling makes excellent use of translucent leaves, flexible stems, and stones to make effective sculptures. The wind often sweeps away his works within minutes of completion, but that’s okay with Shilling because it is an affirmation of the transient nature of life.

Link | Artist’s Website

R.I.P., The Swordmaster of Star Wars

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 08:34 PM PST

Bob Anderson of West Sussex, UK, died on Sunday at the age of 89. He was a master fencer who taught lessons while serving in the Royal Marines, then represented his country at the 1952 Olympics. Anderson went on to develop a reputation as champion, both as a fencer and as a choreographer of on-screen sword fights. Most famously, he donned the mask of Darth Vader and wielded a lightsaber in all three original Star Wars movies:

Vader, “Star Wars’” intergalactic arch-villain, was voiced by James Earl Jones and played by six foot six (1.98 meter) former weightlifter David Prowse, but Anderson stepped in during the key fight scenes.

“David Prowse wasn’t very good with a sword and Bob couldn’t get him to do the moves,” said Anderson’s former assistant, Leon Hill. “Fortunately Bob could just don the costume and do it himself.”

Anderson later added to his vast body of work by directing fencing scenes in The Princess Bride and The Fellowship of the Ring.

Link -via The Mary Sue | Photo: Johnathan Player

Rotta Huttlet Star Wars Backpack Buddy

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 07:38 PM PST

Rotta Huttlet Star Wars Backpack Buddy – $59.95

 

Are you feeling lonely and unloved? Maybe cuddling up with your very own Rotta Huttlet Star Wars Backpack Buddy from the NeatoShop will make you feel better. The huggably soft and super cute little “Stinky” is easily removed from his backpack carrying case.  Who knew a Hutt could be so darn adorable.

Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more fantastic Star Wars items.

Link

Ferrari Stretch Limo

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 06:49 PM PST

Meet the world's fastest stretch limo: a Ferrari Modena 360 limousine by Dan Cawley of Style Limousines and Prestige Limousine in Birmingham, England. They did cut a regular 360 Modena in two to create the behemoth. And of course, there's disco lighting. Can't have a party limo without disco lighting.

Link - via Luxuo

Mariachi Band Peforming “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 05:24 PM PST


(Video Link)

Metalachi performs rock and metal songs using instruments and styles from the mariachi tradition. Their covers include selections from Metallica, Led Zeppelin, and Faith No More. Here’s their rendition of a Guns N’ Roses classic. The brass instruments are really effective with this song, and the lead singer does a good impersonation of Axl Rose at the end.

-via Brian J. Noggle | Band Website (warning: auto-sound)

Previously: Indian “Sweet Child O’ Mine”

Shaun of the Dead in LEGO

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 04:49 PM PST

This one is fantastic: Flickr user Yatkuu re-created the Winchester Pub from the 2004 zombie flick Shaun of the Dead in LEGO: Link - via Nerdsraging

If you like zombies and LEGO, check out this fun intersection of the two over at Bricks of the Dead (gallery at Flickr)

More neat zombie stuff at NeatoShop’s Zombie Shop

3-in-1 Anti-Zombie Weapon Includes Skull Ejector

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 03:19 PM PST


(Video Link)

The greatest problem with using a puncture-based weapon against zombies is that it may become lodged in the skull of your undead foe. That’s a problem that Jörge Sprave, maker of the sawblade-firing slingshot, the pump-action slingshot, and the Gatling-gun slingshot has now solved. His weapon includes a standard slingshot on one end, and a mace on the other that’s paired with a heavy spike. If your spike gets stuck in a skull, pull the lever to push it out.

-via Make

Fairy Tales Seen Through the Lens of Architecture

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 03:03 PM PST

How would an architect design houses from fairy tales? Let's find out: Fairy tale author and editor Kate Bernheimer and architect Andrew Bernheimer collaborated to take a look at houses and structures from fairy tales, as seen through the lens of architecture.

Take Rapunzel's tower, for instance, as it's designed by Guy Norden and Associates:

What are the key elements of your architectural design and how is it sited?

As structural engineers we were instantly drawn to the “tower that stood in a forest and had neither a door nor a stairway, but only a tiny little window at the very top” featured in the Brothers Grimm version of “Rapunzel,” and we looked to our previous design for the Seven Stems Broadcast Tower for inspiration. We were able to meet the Grimms’ strict design requirements by employing a slender tower design of vertical cylindrical stems that are joined by intermittent outrigger beams with a reinforced space at the very top for Rapunzel’s long captivity.

View more at Design Observer: Link | More in the series: Baba Yaga and Jack and the Beanstalk

Michigan’s Tridge

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 01:22 PM PST

The Tridge (triple bridge) is a cute three-way foot bridge that provides access to all sides of the confluence of the Tittabawassee and Chippewa Rivers in Midland, Michigan. According to Kuriositas, it’s one of only twelve in the world.

Link | Photo: Fenton Low Altitude | The Tridge on Google Maps

The Memes of 2011: Where Are They Now?

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 12:53 PM PST

The life of an Internet meme is hard and fast. Sometimes memes find lasting success, but others get drunk on their own fame and crash. View more at the link. Hey, has anyone heard from Baby Godfather?

Link -via Nag on the Lake

Barbie Trashes Her Dreamhouse

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 11:44 AM PST

Artist and photographer Carrie M. Becker re-imagined Barbie (the doll) as a pathological hoarder, and arranged Barbie’s dream house as such. She explains some of the thought behind the project in her artist’s statement. Somebody call a maid! No, a sanitation crew! You can see many different rooms in her Flickr set.  Link -via Laughing Squid

(Image credit: Flickr user Carrie M. Becker)

Potenuse

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 11:26 AM PST

Adam Koford (Ape Lad) made me smile with this edition of his Laugh Out Loud Cats. I’m a sucker for simple math humor. Link

The Psychology of Nakedness

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 11:24 AM PST

Conventional wisdom holds that seeing someone naked makes you think of them as more of a sex object than seeing them clothed. According to a recent study, that is an oversimplification of what really happens. The human mind thinks of other people in two different dimensions: agency, or what the person observed can or will do, and experience, or what that person perceives and feels. And the amount of clothing worn changes what dimension the observer focuses on, as seen from an experiment in which people looked at pictures of faces or pictures of faces with some body skin also showing (as shown by the hunky “Aaron” shown here, or the female “Erin”).

It turns out that a glimpse of flesh strongly influences our perception of Erin/Aaron. When the pictures only showed a face, they had lots of agency. But when we saw their torso, we suddenly imagined them as obsessed with experience. Instead of being good at self-control, they were suddenly extremely sensitive to hunger and desire. Same person, same facial expression, same brief description – but a hint of body changed everything.

In another experiment, the researchers varied the volunteers' mindsets, sometimes asking them to look at photos as if they were on an online-dating website, focusing on attractiveness, and sometimes asking them to look at the photos as if they were hiring for a professional job, focusing on the mind. Once again, thinking about how "sexy and cute" someone is – those are bodily attributes – led students to endow them with more experience and less agency. The opposite held when people were asked to evaluate intelligence and efficiency.

Read more about it at Frontal Cortex, but be warned there is no full nudity in the article. Link -via Not Exactly Rocket Science

Gravitas

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 11:08 AM PST

Here’s a simple physics game in which you release a little red block by rotating the fence holding it. Or multiple fences. And please avoid the force field! Oh yes, it starts out easy, but gets more challenging. The level you see here gave me fits, but I breezed through the next couple easily -go figure. Link

Friends in the House, Hostility at Home

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 10:44 AM PST

In 1954, Coya Knutson won a seat the the US House of representatives by championing the rights of farmers in Minnesota (and by raising her own campaign funds). Over two terms she became quite popular among voters and her Washington colleagues, although she alienated her own party. But Knutson’s real trouble came from her alcoholic husband, Andy. When she was in Minnesota, she sometimes had to wear sunglasses in public to hide the bruises he gave her.

In May, 1958, Coya Knutson was gearing up for her third term. Because of her unwillingness to fall in line with traditional Minnesota politics, the Democratic Party of in her home state would not formally endorse her, so she was forced into a primary—and it was then that a bombshell was released to the press in the form of a letter signed by Andy Knutson.

"Coya, I want you to tell the people of the 9th District this Sunday that you are through in politics. That you want to go home and make a home for your husband and son," it read. "As your husband I compel you to do this. I'm tired of being torn apart from my family. I'm sick and tired of having you run around with other men all the time and not your husband." Andy pleaded with her to return to "the happy home we once enjoyed" and signed off, "I love you, honey."

Soon, the front pages of newspapers, first in Minnesota, then across the country, bannered headlines of "Coya, Come Home." Andy Knutson claimed that he was broke and that she "wouldn't send me any money." He sued Kjeldahl for $200,000 in damages, alleging that the young aide had "ruthlessly snatched" Coya's "love and consortium" from a simple middle-aged farmer from Minnesota. Andy further alleged that Kjeldahl had referred to him as an "impotent old alcoholic whose departure from the farm to the nation's capital would shock society."

Knutson lost her third congressional campaign, but the story does not end there. The real truth behind what happened came out later, and you can read it all at the Smithsonian’s Past Imperfect blog. Link

Sleeping Around

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 09:54 AM PST

This lonely Twaggie was illustrated from a Tweet by @Paxochka. In case you didn’t know, you can get any Twaggie you like made into a t-shirt through the NeatoShop! A t-shirt with this one on it will at least let others know you are available. Link

Blue Jeans: Three Months, No Washing

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 09:11 AM PST

How long can you wear the same pair of jeans without washing them? The most common answer you hear is “one semester.” An Australian researcher (and college student) put the question to the test by asking volunteers to wear a pair of jeans five days a week for three months straight.

Melbourne researcher Tullia Jack recruited 30 volunteers to do just that – and will soon exhibit the grimy garments at the National Gallery of Victoria so the public can put them to the pong test.

She hopes the unusual experiment for her Master of Philosophy thesis will challenge our culture of “extreme clean”.

Despite stains and spills ranging from tuna and avocado to motor oil and chocolate, Ms Jack says the expectation dirty denim will be whiffy is much worse than the reality.

“Not washing your jeans isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds,” the Melbourne University student and RMIT fashion lecturer says.

“You really don’t need to wash clothes as often as you think. Stains come and go, they just wear off.”

Thirty people of all ages took part in the experiment. Several of them decided to stop washing their shirts as well. Half the participants ended the three months saying they still didn’t plan to wash the jeans. Link -via Fark

(Image credit: Mike Keating)

Prison Dancer

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 09:09 AM PST


(YouTube link)

Following in the Broadway tradition using the most unlikely subjects for musicals, Ana Serrano, Romeo Candido, and Carmen De Jesus are turning the story of the dancing inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines into a web-only musical production. It will debut on the prisondancer YouTube channel in 12 episodes beginning in March. -via Buzzfeed

The Movies Are Wrong About Lava

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 09:05 AM PST

It happens all the time in the movies: someone sinks into a pool of lava and burns to death. Would a real-life incident turn out like that? Only sort of …because it would certainly burn. Erik Klemetti explains what the movies get wrong.

However, the death of Gollum at the end of Return of the King got me thinking. Gollum, if you remember, dove into the lava of Mount Doom after his precious ring was thrown in — he proceeds to sink into the lava (see below) and leaves the ring floating on the lava until it melts away. Guess what? Sinking into lava just will not happen if you're a human (or remotely human). You'd need to be a Terminator to sink into molten rock/metal … and here's why.

Molten lava is nothing like water. Sure, everyone thinks that liquid rock (magma) is going to behave like any other liquid (e.g., water), but there are some key physical properties that tell us it just isn't the case.

Then there’s the math and an experiment that explains why one doesn’t sink in lava. Still, you don’t want to try it at home. Link -via Not Exactly Rocket Science

Chalkboard Matryoshka

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 08:31 AM PST

Chalkboard Matryoshka – $13.95

Do you love Matryoshka dolls, but you just can’t find the one that’s right for you? Make your own Matryoshka with the Chalkboard Matryoshka nesting doll set from the NeatoShop. This 6 piece set of nesting dolls has a chalkboard surface that lets you draw your own design.

Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more Matryoshka fun.

Link

Classic Atari Games Retitled for Accuracy

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 07:06 AM PST

Oh, Atari 2600, how I remember you fondly! You were my introduction to the world of video games. And they were thrilling games, too, although in retrospect, it’s hard to see how. Christopher Bird took several classic Atari game covers and gave them more accurate titles.

Link -via Retronaut

Long Exposure Photographs of Fireflies

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 06:52 AM PST

It looks like a scene from a fantasy movie, but these are actually fireflies! The Japanese-language blog at the link contains a set of amazing long exposure firefly shots by an unknown artist.

Link -via Colossal

Texts From Cephalopods

Posted: 02 Jan 2012 06:07 AM PST

To get into this story, you first have to understand that octopuses tend to text their cephalopod friends while drunk. In a series of messages and photos, we follow the adventures of an octopus that steals a diver’s camera (which you may recall actually happened) and then relates his activities to other octopuses, squids, and cuttlefish. You might recognize other true stories of cephalopods that are also referenced. Link -via Metafilter
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