Carolyn Hax for Friday January 1, 2010

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Carolyn Hax
For Indiana
Friday January 1, 2010

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax

Hi, Carolyn:

Here's our predicament: Mom spent her childhood being emotionally abused by her father, then her adult life being emotionally abused by her husband (my dad). It would be a miracle if she were not affected by this, and indeed, no miracles going on here. She is negative, snippy, and generally biatchy to us (more to my wife and teen girls, actually).

Multiple times I've suggested (strongly) that she should talk to someone about how angry she is. She insists she has absolutely no anger and, in fact, is happier than she's ever been in her life.

Her behavior does not compel us to arrange frequent get-togethers, and she simply refuses to approach us with suggestions of things to do together, so any interactions are completely on our shoulders. When we do get together, she projects subtle and not-so-subtle inferences that we don't get together enough. We're wondering how to get out of this death spiral before we get to the point where we just cease making plans to see her altogether.

-- Mom Blues

Victims are easy to embrace with compassion; perpetrators are (relatively) easy to dispatch through estrangement. It's the people who are victims and perpetrators both who strain our coping techniques. And don't most troubled people turn out be both?

The more mindful you are of your mother's dual status, and the more mindful of it your wife and daughters can be, the easier it will be (again, relatively speaking) to remain engaged in your mother's life.

But first, that's the goal you need to establish at home. Gather your wife and kids for a conversation, and explain to them that you don't see cutting Grandma loose as an option, and the alternative feels like snuggling up to a porcupine. If you haven't spelled this all out with them already, give the nickel history: Abused child becomes abused wife becomes abusive grandmother. It is not changing and it is damned sad.

If this is openly understood, then skip to the part where you say, the victim in Grandma needs regular visits from her son and his family. The perpetrator in her means those visits will be infrequent, but not rare; they will be controlled, and they will be brief.

Then you all decide together: How often can the family schedule -- and the family nerves -- accommodate these visits? How short a visit would be insulting or counterproductive, and how long would be so long that the veneer of good will would get chipped?

Not only are your daughters old enough to have some say in the planning, but their cooperation also will make this a collective endeavor, not unlike a regular family commitment to charity -- think of it as a monthly gig pulling weeds at a local park, or cutting onions in a soup kitchen every other Sunday.

Once you're all in, you all know why, it's on the calendar no matter what, and you really rally for these visits (and if you, ah, reward yourselves for every mission accomplished?), then the death spiral is done for, and the weight of the issue is off.

The burden of the visits, of course, will remain considerable, but that's what "damned sad" means -- and such burdens are also what the love of good families has always been summoned to lift.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Copyright 2010 Washington Post Writers Group

Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.

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MAG All-Star Planning Meeting - January 30, 2010 Long Beach


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US Youth Soccer National League Girls showcase competitive matches in first day of games

US Youth Soccer broadcast: 12/31/2009
To view this message in a browser, please click here: http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/message.asp?e=ignoble.experiment@arconati.us&mid=698003&lid=102491

CONTACT: Lindsay Williams, US Youth Soccer, lwilliams@usyouthsoccer.org or (940) 452-8898

US Youth Soccer National League Girls showcase competitive matches in first day of games in Orlando, Fla.

Day 1 of 3 complete
Scores and Standings [link http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=9&mid=698003&lid=102491

FRISCO, Texas (Dec. 31, 2009) - The US Youth Soccer National League Under-15, Under-16 and Under-17 Girls resumed League play today at Disney's Wide World of Sports Soccer Complex in Orlando, Fla.

Each age group is represented by four of the League's eight teams. This weekend of play will finalize League standings until the remaining four teams per age group compete in Las Vegas, Nev., March 19-21.

Under-15 Girls
In their last League game played in College Station, Texas, Scorpions Elite of Massachusetts had a draw with So Cal Blues-Draluck, but as they opened this weekend of play against Sockers FC Chicago (IL), the result was much different. Lauren Berman had back-to-back Scorpion goals in the 8 th and 19 th minutes and teammate Andrea O’Brien netted one in the 20 th minute for the 3-0 lead. After the half, O’Brien hit her second shot of the game in the 68 th minute and McKenzie Meehan completed the Scorpions’ 5-0 victory in the 79 th minute.

A second shutout in the Under-15 Girls age group came between the Dallas Texans 95 Red (N-TX) and NSA Premier Fireballs (IL) with the 2-0 Texans’ result. Julie Dyche gave the Texans the early lead with a 5 th minute goal and Jasmine Hart ensured the win with her 54 th minute goal. The Texans currently lead the Under-15 Girls with 13 points, and with two games remaining, they need one win to punch their ticket to the 2010 US Youth Soccer National Championships http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=10&mid=698003&lid=102491 and two wins will earn them the title of US Youth Soccer National League Champion.

Under-16 Girls
After the first weekend of play, the Under-16 Girls age group had a five-way tie for first place with all five teams sitting at seven points. Of those five teams, the Dallas Texans 94 Red (N-TX) were in the mix and in this second weekend of League play, they are looking to shake things up in the League standings while remaining at the top. In their first match of the weekend, the Texans came out on top, 2-0, over KC Select Scream Red (MO), but it wasn’t until the second half that the Texans looked to take the win. Sara Watson put the Texans on the board in the 54 th minute and from a long through ball, Amanda Elertson finished off the win in the 65 th minute.

Another team entering this weekend of play in the middle of the five-way tie with seven points is NSA Premier Fury (IL), and they too are looking to stay on top. Fury’s Ali Farkos scored one off of a scramble in front of the goal in the 40 th minute for the 1-0 upper hand over FC Pennsylvania Strikers (E-PA). A 77 th minute header by Zoe Swift secured the 2-0 Fury win and top spot in the Under-16 Girls League standings.

Under-17 Girls
After a 48 th minute blast from the 40 by Clarissa Wedemeyer, the Dallas Texans 93 Red (N-TX) broke the 0-0 score in their game against Syosset Sting (E-NY). The Texans looked to have the game under control until the final 15 minutes when Syosset’s Emily Lipari hit the equalizer from 20 yards out, and in the final minute of the play, Sophie Mayeux solidified the Syosset 2-1 win.

The Under-17 Girls game between Montclair United Thunderbolts (NJ) and Ponte Vedra Storm (FL) looked to end with a 0-0 draw, but with only five minutes left to get a result, Montclair’s Alexandra Dezenzo had an 18 yard half volley past the keeper for the 1-0 Montclair victory.

National League action continues Friday, Jan. 1, at Disney's Wide World of Sports Soccer Complex with games at 10:30 a.m., 12:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. ET. For complete standings, scores and schedules, visit the National League Center http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=11&mid=698003&lid=102491 or go to http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=12&mid=698003&lid=102491 http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=13&mid=698003&lid=102491 Follow National League on Twitter (@nationalleague http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=14&mid=698003&lid=102491

US Youth Soccer National League Results | Thursday, Dec. 31, 2009
Under-15 Girls
Scorpions Elite (MA) 5, Sockers FC Chicago (IL) 0
Goal scorers: Scorpions: Lauren Berman (8:00) (19:00), Andrea O'Brien (20:00) (68:00), McKenzie Meehan (79:00)

Dallas Texans 95 Red (N-TX) 2, NSA Premier Fireballs (IL) 0
Goal scorers: Texans: Julia Dyche (5:00),Jasmine Hart (54:00)

Under-16 Girls
Dallas Texans 94 Red (N-TX) 2, KC Select Scream Red (MO) 0
Goal scorers: Texans: Sara Watson (54:00), Amanda Elertson (65:00)

NSA Premier Fury (IL) 2, FC Pennsylvania Strikers (E-PA) 0
Goal scorers: NSA: Ali Farkos (40:00), Zoe Swift (77:00)

Under-17 Girls
Syosset Sting (E-NY) 2, Dallas Texans 93 Red (N-TX) 1
Goal scorers: Syosset: Emily Lipari (75:00), Sophie Mayeux (89:00)
Texans: Clarissa Wedemeyer (48:00)

Montclair United Thunderbolts (NJ) 1, Ponte Vedra Storm (FL) 0
Goal scorers: Montclair: Alexandra Dezenzo (85:00)

Upcoming Matches Friday, Jan. 1, 2010
Age Group Time Home Visitors Field
Under-15 Girls 6:30 p.m. Sockers FC Chicago (IL) v Dallas Texans 95 Red (N-TX) 1
Under-15 Girls 6:30 p.m. NSA U15 Premier Fireballs (IL) v Scorpions Elite (MA) 2

Under-16 Girls 12:30 p.m. Dallas Texans 94 Girls (N-TX) v NSA Premier Fury (IL) 1
Under-16 Girls 12:30 p.m. FC Pennsylvania Strikers (E-PA) v KC Select Scream Red (MO) 2

Under-17 Girls 10:30 a.m. Dallas Texans 93 Red (N-TX) v Montclair Thunderbolts (NJ) 2
Under-17 Girls 10:30 a.m. Ponte Vedra Storm (FL) v Syosset Sting (E-NY) 1

Saturday, Jan. 2, 2010
Age Group Time Home Visitors Field
Under-15 Girls 12:30 p.m. Dallas Texans 95 Red (N-TX) v Scorpions Elite (MA) 1#
Under-15 Girls 12:30 p.m. Sockers FC Chicago (IL) v NSA U15 Premier Fireballs (IL) Stadium#

Under-16 Girls 2:30 p.m. NSA Premier Fury (IL) v KC Select Scream Red (MO) 1
Under-16 Girls 2:30 p.m. Dallas Texans 94 Red (N-TX) v FC Pennsylvania Strikers (E-PA) 2

Under-17 Girls 4:30 p.m. Syosset Sting (E-NY) v Montclair Thunderbolts (NJ) 1
Under-17 Girls 4:30 p.m. Dallas Texans 93 Red (N-TX) v Ponte Vedra Storm (FL) 2

# - games at Lake Myrtle Soccer Complex
*Subject to change. All times are Eastern Time.


About the United States Youth Soccer Association (US Youth Soccer) – US Youth Soccer - "The Game for ALL Kids! ®" is the largest youth sports organization in the country and largest member of the United States Soccer Federation, the governing body of soccer in the United States. US Youth Soccer registers more than 3 million players annually, ages 5 to 19, and over 900,000 administrators, coaches and volunteers in 55 member State Associations. US Youth Soccer programs provide a fun, safe and healthy environment for players at every level of the game. For more information, visit www.USYouthSoccer.org http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=15&mid=698003&lid=102491 .

Media Request: When referring to the United States Youth Soccer Association, the largest youth sports organization in the United States, please refer to the association only as US Youth Soccer, and never as USYS or USYSA. We appreciate your cooperation.

About US Youth Soccer National League - Formed in 2007, the US Youth Soccer National League was developed as a path of advancement for the top teams from the US Youth Soccer Regional Leagues. In addition to meaningful matches, development and identification, the league created a direct path to the annual US Youth Soccer National Championships. League play features the Under-15, Under-16 and Under-17 age groups for boys and girls who are seeking to advance their college, professional and U.S. National Team aspirations. Learn more at http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=16&mid=698003&lid=102491 http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/link.asp?l=17&mid=698003&lid=102491

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