What Should I Do About My Best Friend's Dating Another Jerk?
Carolyn Hax Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
My best friend's dating another jerk. She told me after the last one to tell her when I see she's made another bad choice -- because, as she says, "Obviously I don't see it till it's too late."
Well, I told her. And she got extremely (ticked) off at me. She says she never should have asked me to "warn" her because now I'm obviously on a power trip and taking advantage of her trust and just want to control her relationships. Seriously, she said all that.
Believe it or not, she's usually a great person, a great friend, very kind and caring, blahblahblah, so this was totally out of character. Now I have no idea how to interact with her. She posted on my Facebook wall as if that whole interaction never happened. But, I am still: (a) (ticked) off, and (b) concerned for her emotional tumult to come as a result of her dating another jerk.
What should I say to her? How should I act?
-- Totally at a loss
I guess now you know why she keeps dating jerks. She's clearly not interested in looking inward, asking herself hard questions, recognizing her own hangups and shortcomings, or -- when it's reckoning time -- admitting her own complicity in her bad decisions. She had a nice gig blaming the guys, and now she can add you to her list of people to blame.
What you do with this information is where it gets really interesting.
Someone who attacks your character when you give her your openly solicited opinions is going to be a real hoot when you start offering unsolicited opinions, such as the one you want to give her now: that her attack on you was childish and insulting, not to mention completely self-defeating. No matter how constructive the criticism may be, she doesn't want to hear it. She has made herself clear on that.
Unfortunately, having something important to say that you know she'll refuse to hear is a huge obstacle between people who regard themselves as close. Now, officially, you are holding back a part of yourself when you're with her. Going on without saying something to your friend will mean you're acting.
So I think you have to deal with your relationship with her -- and the fact that she set you up -- while also learning your lesson and not even mentioning her relationship with Jerk: "I was really surprised at your reaction: You asked me to do something, so I did it. It would never occur to me to question your motives in sharing your opinion with me, and it really hurts that you're questioning my motives now."
Then, duck. Or, who knows, maybe below her angry-reaction layer, she has an I've-had-a-chance-to-cool-off layer where she's able to hold herself accountable. What's a little optimism among friends.
----
Dear Carolyn:
Is it possible to be in love after being with someone for only two months?
-- Maryland
Sure. What isn't possible is to be sure your love found a target that's good for you. For that, you'll have to be patient, but there's no reason you can't enjoy the feelings in the meantime.
========
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2010 Washington Post Writers Group
Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.
|
No comments:
Post a Comment
Keep a civil tongue.