Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax Dear Carolyn:
I recently saw relatives with whom I have not been in contact for at least 25 years. When we were teenagers, I introduced them to pot. They then went on and tried other drugs while I grew up and got on with my life. One of these relatives is now a twice-recovering meth addict, and she jokingly blames me for "corrupting" her when we were kids.
She lives in transitional housing with her 12-year-old daughter and has been clean for a year. I'm sad she has these issues, especially since she has a kid, but am also very bothered that she blames me. I feel she is not taking responsibility for her actions years ago that led up to these addictions, past or present. Do you think I should talk to her about how this hurts me, or do I have some blame in this?
-- Trying to figure this out
As you suggest in your question, our core duty as adults is to take responsibility for our own actions. That means your relative does need to take responsibility for accepting the drugs you offered her, and for seeking out every other drug she has taken since then.
It also means, though, that you take responsibility for being the kid who offered pot to another kid. Sure, if you hadn't done it, then somebody else probably would have. And if the vulnerability to addiction was in your relative's nature or nurture or both, then chances are this hypothetical other person who offered pot would have set her addiction in motion.
But what if you, and that hypothetical other person, and some other person later on, and so on, didn't offer her drugs when she was a kid? What if you had made a more responsible, less selfish choice?
Getting from Point B to Point Z is hers to reckon with -- but you escorted her, non-hypothetically, from A to B. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" is a decent, adult thing to say.
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Hi, Carolyn:
My beautiful 8-month-old daughter is deeply attached to my wife and indifferent about me. I am concerned this will continue into her older years and inhibit the relationship I hope to have with her. Do you have any suggestions?
-- Louisiana
Wait it out, and don't take it personally. It's completely normal for a baby to form such a preference, especially if your wife is breastfeeding or is the primary caregiver. In time, your daughter's loyalties will evolve, do a 180, do another 180, and pretty much confound both of you until you give up trying to understand.
That is, if you stay involved enough for such loyalties to form. One mistake that's easy -- and, I think, tragic -- to make is to view your baby's preference as a rejection, and to start withholding yourself in response. Nothing will inhibit a relationship more effectively than that. Be present, be loving, be attentive to who your daughter is, and be patient for that to take root -- for both of your sakes.
Oh -- and start the habit, now, of running questions like this by your daughter's pediatrician. The good ones cover emotional development, not just physical. And if you aren't making it to her well-child appointments, see "be present," above, and go out of your way to attend.
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E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Copyright 2010 Washington Post Writers Group
Read more about Carolyn Hax at ArcaMax.com.
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