Neatorama

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• Myth-Adventure: The True Story of Captain Kidd
• 6 Things The Film Industry Wants To Keep Secret
• Brilliantly Stupid Sign Graffiti
• People Really Hate Banks Right Now
• The Strangest Vintage Photos Ever
• 7 Criminals Who Surprisingly Turned Good
• Brain Evolved Independently Four Times in Molluscs
• The Tropism Well
• MANLAND: Daycare for Husbands and Boyfriends by IKEA
• Squid Boat by Phlegm
• Super Mario Bros. in Only 64 Pixels
• Flying Over Earth
• You Are Not A Photographer
• Lego Zoetrope
• Conan the Professor
• Fake Science Is Fun
• Another Mariachi Brick In The Wall
• Parrots Can Teach Each Other To Talk
• Cosplayer's Smashingly Awesome Hulk Costume
• Interactive Map Shows Migration Throughout the World
• Glass Igloo Lets You Sleep Under the Northern Lights
• The Quadratic Formula as a Tax Form
• Hammock Boat
• Tentacle Mustache

Myth-Adventure: The True Story of Captain Kidd Posted: 19 Sep 2011 05:10 AM PDT The following is an article from Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader. Here at the BRI,  we’re huge fans of Richard Zak’s books. They’re great bathroom reading. He has a new book coming out: The Pirate Hunter-The True Story of Captain Kidd. Here’s a teaser from his masterpiece, An Underground Education. WORKIN’ FOR THE MAN While the popular image of buccaneers is peg-legged, eye-patched rascals, the ultimate anti-authority free agents, roving the seas, plundering ships, raping women, and brawling, the reality is much worse. They did all that and worked for the government. Prior to 1856, it was standard operating procedure for western nations either to commission privateers directly or to wink at the actions of freelance pirates, so long as those thieves were preying on the commerce of other nations. Piracy was often state-supported economic terrorism. Captain Kidd, for example, was no Joan of Arc, but he was no “Captain Kidd,” either. MEET CAPTAIN KIDD William Kidd William Kidd (c. 1645-1701) was a plain-speaking, high-tempered Scotsman who had made his fortune as captain and ship owner, trading goods in the colonies. In 1696, the 51-year-old Kidd was a prosperous New York businessman, comfortably settled with his wife and family. That year, Kidd and his friend Robert Livingston connived with the newly-appointed governor of New England, Richard Coote, Earl of Bellamount, the King of England’s cousin, to receive an unusual privateering commission. In times of war, wealthy investors routinely funded privateering vessels to attack the enemy’s merchant ships and divvy the plunder. This was an English naval tradition dating back to Sir Francis Drake. But what was extraordinary about this commission was that it also entitled Kidd to attack pirate ships of all nationalities and keep their booty -no questions asked. It was an amazing financial opportunity. SMART INVESTMENT Kidd’s royal commission -secured by Bellamount- did, in fact, give and grant full Power and Authority to Captain William Kidd, Commander of the ship Adventure Galley …to apprehend, seize and take into Custody the said Thomas Too, John Ireland, Tho Wake, and William Maze, and all other Pirates, Free-booters and Sea-rovers, of what Nation whatsoever, whom he should find or meet with, upon the said Coasts or Seas of America, or in any other Seas or Parts, with their Ships and Vessels, and all such Merchandise, Money, Goods, and Wares as should be found on board of them. The mission began as an attempt by Britain to crack down on four colonial pirates, but was cunningly expanded so that Kidd would have maximum leeway to capture “prizes” -non-English ships. In addition to Livingston and Lord Richard, four of the most powerful men in England secretly invested the £6,000 it would cost to outfit the ship. The prospect of profit from this legal larceny was dizzying. If Kidd captured two large ships, the backers could easily received a hundredfold return on their investment in a year. In the official contract with Kidd, four obscure merchants were listed as the investors, but they were shills. The real backers were John Somers, Lord Chancellor of England; Sire Robert Wadpole, Earl of Orford, First Lord of the Admiralty; and two secretaries of state, the Earl of Romney and the Duke of Shrewsbury. The king was to receive 10% of the booty as well, “chiefly to show that he was a partner in the undertaking,” according to The Real Captain Kidd- A Vindication, by Sir Cornelius Dalton. Kidd and Livingston stood to receive 7.5% each, while if the haul totaled more than £100,000, Kidd was to be allowed to keep the ship. SHAKY START The Adventure Galley The mission got off to a bad start in March 1696; Kidd and a London merchant handpicked 100-plus English sailors for the Adventure Galley, but before they departed the coast, a British man-of-war seized the bulk of his crew. Now, Kidd sailed to New York to round up a new crew, but his articles allowed him to offer the crew shares of only a quarter of the spoils (instead of the usual half) and there would be no regular wages; the voyage would be strictly “no purchase, no pay,” or in sailor slang, “no prey, no pay.” Kidd was forced to sign the piratical scum of the New York wharf, out-of-work scallywags. Once out of the harbor, he had no luck whatsoever at finding pirate ships, and headed to the Indian Ocean. He was fired upon, but when he captured the vessel, it turned out to be a Dutch ship. His crew -led by gunner William Moore- voted to take her as a prize anyhow, but Kidd, pistols in hand, changed their minds. Kidd then spied a merchant ship and swung into action. Employing a standard battle tactic, he flew French colors to trick his adversary and lured the giant Quedagh Merchant to come alongside. When an officer of that ship boarded holding French papers of clear passage, Kidd hoisted the British flag and declared the ship captured. Although the Quedagh Merchant was obviously an Armenian ship with a crew of Moors and a few Christians aboard, the officer presented French papers, which made it a legitimate prize, given the state of war at the time between England and France. And it was a rich prize. The Quedagh Merchant was packed with fine cloths, silks, and jewels, worth perhaps as much as £400,000. MUTINY! Kidd who had taken another ship traveling with French papers hauled his prizes back to Ste.-Marie, in Madagascar. His articles stated that he must take captured ships back to Boston (or to London, if armed British escort appears) so that an Admiralty Court could rule on whether they were legitimate captures and could document the spoils. In Madagascar stood the Mocha Frigate, a former merchant ship turned pirate by a man named Robert Culliford. When Kidd (with his mounted cannon) hit port, his pirates abandoned ship. Kidd had proposed that they capture the Mocha as well, but instead, his men swore they’d shoot him if he tried. Ninety-seven of them mutinied over to Culliford and promptly attacked Kidd. Receiving no wage with Kidd, the most the men could hope for was a share of one-quarter of the spoils, if an admiralty court ruled in their favor in Boston; with Culliford, they might split up everything, and right away. Here’s how Kidd described what happened next: The said Deserters came on board, and carried away Guns, Powder, Shot, small Arms, Sails, Anchors, Cables, Surgeon’s Chests, and what else they pleased; and threatened several times to murder the Narrator [i.e., Kidd]. Their Wickedness was so great, after they had plundered and ransacked sufficiently, [they] went Four Miles off to one Edward Weiche’s House, which his the Narrator’s chest had lodged, and broke it open; and took out Ten Ounces of Gold, 40 Pound of Plate, 370 Pieces of Eight, the Narrator’s Journal, and a great many Papers that belonged to him,  and the People of New York that fitted him out. OUT OF LUCK Kidd was left with 13 sailors; his original ship was leaking badly (requiring eight-man shifts to bail her out); and his prize was far too big to sail with his reduced crew. The date was early in 1699. Kidd was two years past his contracted return date, and no doubt his powerful backers were getting nervous. And now the East India Company reported in London that “they had received some information …that Kidd had committed several acts of piracy, particularly in seizing a Moorish ship called the Quedagh Merchant.” The vastly profitable East India Company had no desire to enrage the great mogul of India by allowing British pirates to prey upon Moorish ships, especially since the great mogul, a now-forgotten potentate, then controlled an enormous empire and could expel the Brits. With a single order, Kidd was officially declared a pirate. BAD TRIP Captain Kidd spent six long months in Madagascar trying to round up a crew, then headed for Boston. When Kidd and his skeleton crew finally reached Anguillla in the West Indies and found out they were wanted for piracy, they were dumbfounded. Once again the crew started deserting. Kidd no longer had sailors enough to sail his prize to Boston, so he traded for a smaller ship complete with crew and moved an undisclosed portion of the remaining booty aboard. (How much booty has intrigued treasure hunters ever since.) Kidd could have stayed in the Caribbean a very wealthy man. At least £10,000 of  treasure remained and possibly as much as £40,000 or even more. Instead he sailed north. In New York Harbor, he handed over the two French passes (which would clear him of the piracy charge) to an old friend to deliver to his backer, New England governor Coote, who was then in Boston. SAVED? Coote (as you remember, cousin to the king of England) sent the postmaster of Boston out the Block Island to give a message to Kidd. The note declared the governor was sympathetic to Kidd’s version of the events and then concluded: I make no manner of doubt but to obtain the King’s pardon for you, and for those few man you have left who I understand have been faithful to you, and refused as well as you to dishonor the Commission you have from England …I assure you on my Word and Honour I will perform nicely what I have promised. Richard Coote Kidd, who was joined on ship by his wife and family, responded with great relief to the news that the governor would take up his cause; and he guessed aloud that the East India Company must have heard of acts of piracy committed by Captain Robert Culliford, using the munitied members of Kidd’s former crew. But, on July 1, 1699, when Kidd and his few remaining crew members sailed into Boston Harbor, Governor Coote promptly had them arrested. England dispatched a Navy ship to ferry Kidd back to justice. The House of Commons sniffed a scandal and demanded that Kidd not be tried until it was back in session. Unfortunately for Kidd, that meant spending a year in Newgate Prison. ON TRIAL On March 6, 1701, the House of Commons began to examine Kidd’s papers. Included among them, as clearly stated in the Parliament papers, were Two French Passes from the ships Kidd had captured. Nonetheless, Kidd was ordered to stand trial in Admiralty Court -and it was specifically stated that his papers should be delivered there for his trial. The court then stunned Kidd by charging him not with piracy but with the murder of William Moore, the ship’s gunner. Testimony from paid informants painted the following picture of the crime. While the ship was anchored off the coast of Africa, after more than a year without taking a single prize, Kidd called Moore a “lousy dog.” Moore replied: “If I be so, you have made me one.” Kidd, in a rage, swung an iron-hooped bucket, which caught Moore flush in the temple. Moore died the next day. BETRAYED Kidd claimed that he never meant to kill Moore, and that threat of mutiny had been strong at that time. Testifying for the Crown were two of Kidd’s crew who had mutinied, signed up with Culliford, and gone out on later pirate voyages; they were offered pardons in exchange for turning Crown’s evidence. After one especially absurd statement, Kidd complained: “It signified nothing to ask any questions. The rogues will swear to anything.” Then later, he asked: “Have you not been promised your life to swear away mine?” The judge intervened: “He is not bound to answer that question. He is very fit to be made as evidence for the Crown.” It took the jury an hour to bring in a guilty verdict. As for the piracy charges, the judge, Lord Chief Baron, shaped the trial so that it all hinged on whether or not Captain Kidd received French passes from the captured ships, which apparently never found their way to the Admiralty Court. The lord chief summed up: And as to the French passes there is nothing of that appears by any proof; and for aught I can see, none saw them but himself, if there ever were any. “Four respected British officer’s testified to Kidd’s valor during the French war in the Caribbean and one noted that Kidd fought off a mutiny to prevent his ship from going ‘a-pirating.’” But Kidd was convicted of piracy. When sentenced to death, he told the court: “My lord, it is a very hard sentence. For my part, I am the innocentest person of them all, only I have been sworn against by perjured persons.” THE END? In prison, Kidd refused to confess to the chaplain and refused repeated requests to cast blame on the ministers that backed up his mission. (Perhaps he was still hoping for a pardon.) On May 24, 1701, Captain William Kidd was brought to Execution Dock at Wapping. The noose about his neck, he kicked out unto eternity and the rope broke. Kidd would have to be re-hoisted up the ladder and turned off a second time. In the little waiting period, he told the chaplain at the gallows that his greatest sorrow was leaving his wife and children in New York without getting a chance to say good-bye. The next day in Parliament, Lord Chancellor Somers admitted he had had a secret share in Kidd’s voyage but claimed there was nothing illegal in that. In fact, he pointed out that “owners of the said ship had lost their expenses and had not received any benefit from the grant.” The East India Company soon after reported to the great mogul of India that the “evil pirate” Captain Kidd had been hanged. Britain’s inroads in India eventually led to conquering the entire subcontinent. Robert Culliford, the pirate captain of the Mocha Frigate, applied for a pardon and, with a lawyer at his side, was granted amnesty by the Admiralty Court. Kidd’s hard-earned estate was forfeited after his hanging, taken from his wife and children. Queen Anne used the money to found the Greenwich Hospital. The British Admiralty dangled Captain Kidd’s dead body -encased in pine resin and bound by leather straps- for years from a specially constructed gallows over the Thames River to serve as a warning to other pirates. _________________________ The article above is reprinted with permission from Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader. Since 1988, the Bathroom Reader Institute had published a series of popular books containing irresistible bits of trivia and obscure yet fascinating facts. If you like Neatorama, you’ll love the Bathroom Reader Institute’s books – go ahead and check ‘em out!

6 Things The Film Industry Wants To Keep Secret Posted: 19 Sep 2011 02:20 AM PDT Did you know the Star Wars films still haven’t made a profit? That’s because the studio distributes the film although the distribution branch is considered a separate company. The distributor charges the studio (itself) whatever fees it wants, so even after the film earns billions of dollars, it might still be billions of dollars more away from turning a profit. And that’s just one of the dirty little movie-making secrets the industry doesn’t want you to know about. Find out more over at Film School Rejects. Link

Brilliantly Stupid Sign Graffiti Posted: 19 Sep 2011 01:23 AM PDT From Pedobears chasing children to “Stop Hammertime,” some graffiti artists have a great sense of humor. Happy Place has a lengthy collection of these reinterpreted signs for your viewing pleasure. Link

People Really Hate Banks Right Now Posted: 19 Sep 2011 01:10 AM PDT Plenty of people are irritated with the banking system right now, but you know people are angry when people are willing to pay $25,000 for a painting of a Chase bank burning up: Tapping into popular sentiment, Alex Schaefer’s painting of a Chase bank on fire just sold on eBay for $25,200. Part of what drove up the price was online buzz after police questioned him while he was painting it, asking him if he planned to do what the painting depicted. While I wouldn’t pay that much for one of these paintings, I certainly support the sentiment Mr. Schaefer is expressing. Link Via Consumerist

The Strangest Vintage Photos Ever Posted: 19 Sep 2011 12:59 AM PDT I like to imagine that this photo was taken to show that this woman loves her scuba diver husband, but who knows. BuzzFeed has a great collection of hilariously strange vintage photographs including the one above. Half the fun is looking at the pictures and the other half is making excuses for why they were created. Link

7 Criminals Who Surprisingly Turned Good Posted: 19 Sep 2011 12:46 AM PDT Ordinarily, car thieves aren’t exactly people to look up to, but when one criminal broke into a van in New York and realized it was filled with explosives, he didn’t just run away and hide, he didn’t even wait to call the police. Instead, he took action and drove the van to an isolated waterfront area and then reported the van -along with how he found out about the explosives.  In honor of his civic-mindedness, police neglected to even file charges against him. Read about other criminals with hearts of gold over at Cracked. Link

Brain Evolved Independently Four Times in Molluscs Posted: 18 Sep 2011 06:06 PM PDT The brain, scientists have discovered, turned out to be so darned important that it has evolved independently four times (at least in molluscs): "Traditionally, most neuroscientists and biologists think complex structures usually evolve only once," says Kocot's colleague Leonid Moroz of the University of Florida in Gainseville. "We found that the evolution of the complex brain does not happen in a linear progression. Parallel evolution can achieve similar levels of complexity in different groups. I calculated it happened at least four times." The four groups that independently evolved centralised nervous systems include the octopus, a freshwater snail genus called Helisoma, Tritonia – a genus of strikingly coloured sea slugs – and Dolabrifera, another genus of sea slugs, albeit less aesthetically interesting. "If these results hold up, it suggests strongly that centralised nervous systems evolved more than once in Mollusca," says Paul Katz, a neurobiologist at Georgia State University in Atlanta. "This is more evidence that you can get complexity emerging multiple times." Link (Photo: Bithynia tentaculata, by Michal Manas/Wikipedia)

The Tropism Well Posted: 18 Sep 2011 04:52 PM PDT (vimeo link) The Tropism Well bows as you approach it, filling a pitcher with water and pouring it into your cup. UK-based Poietic Studio is looking into creating permanent installations of the fountain for public places. Link -via Laughing Squid

MANLAND: Daycare for Husbands and Boyfriends by IKEA Posted: 18 Sep 2011 04:52 PM PDT Ladies, does your man have a short retail attention span? Well, he no longer has any valid excuse for not going shopping with you now that IKEA has a dedicated room for your retail-phobic boyfriend or husband: MÄNLAND is being trialled for four days this Father's Day weekend as a male-only play space to hang out in while wives and girlfriends peruse the aisles. Publicity manager Jude Leon said the idea was modelled on the Swedish furniture giant’s existing child play area, SMALAND. Ms Leon said women were given a buzzer to remind them to collect their other half after 30 minutes of shopping. Sexist? Maybe. Genius? Definitely. Link - via The Week Previously on Neatorama: 10 Things You Didn't Know About IKEA

Squid Boat by Phlegm Posted: 18 Sep 2011 02:51 PM PDT Urban artist Phlegm took a break from painting on walls to create this squid canal boat in England. Unurth has more pics of the street ... er, canal art: Link

Super Mario Bros. in Only 64 Pixels Posted: 18 Sep 2011 01:23 PM PDT (Video Link) Brad Slattery made Super Pixel Bros., a version of Super Mario Bros. that is played with 64 alternating lights. The whole design is quite minimal. There’s a 8X8 LED matrix, a digital display, and controller buttons mounted onto a circuit board. There are multiple levels in the game, each of which is 120 pixels wide. Mario is represented by a simple yellow dot. Link -via Bit Rebels

Flying Over Earth Posted: 18 Sep 2011 01:16 PM PDT This is a time-lapse video showing what it’d be like to fly over Earth, starting at the Pacific Ocean in the Northern Hemisphere and moving towards Antarctica. Add some epic John Williams! Yes, I did just spend a minute or two living vicariously as Super(wo)man. Video link -via Discover

You Are Not A Photographer Posted: 18 Sep 2011 01:04 PM PDT Ever since digital cameras and Photoshop have become commonplace in our society, more and more people have decided that they are “professional photographers” despite having no training or experience. You Are Not A Photographer compiles these terrible images in one convenient location. While some of the pictures aren’t utterly terrible, others, like the one above, seem to be disasters that someone decided are “artistic.” And in case you’re wondering, yes, all of the images come from people who claim to be professionals. Link

Lego Zoetrope Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:56 PM PDT If you’ve ever wanted to make your own animation without the use of a computer, a zoetrope is a good way to go. And using Legos to make it is just plain fun. You can see it in action here. Link Via Craftzine

Conan the Professor Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:50 PM PDT What did Conan the Barbarian do after he's too old to go destroyin' things? Why, he went on to become a Professor of Hyborian Studies and Tyrant Slaying at the Trinity College Dublin, Ireland, of course. From MSNBC:  Trinity College in Dublin was spoofed Thursday when an unknown prankster posted an academic profile of its newest English lecturer: a certain Conan T. Barbarian, complete with Hollywood mug shot of a shirtless, sword-clad Arnold Schwarzenegger in his maiden film role. Trinity removed the parody site — but not before dozens of fans had archived the Web page of the mock biography and turned it into an Irish viral sensation. Trinity spokeswoman Caoimhe Ni Lochlainn said the university had never had its Web site disrupted like this before. She confirmed that Trinity was certain it was an inside job, not the work of a hacker. Here's the description of Prof. Conan T. Barbarian (thank goodness for Google cache!): Dr Conan T. Barbarian, B.A.(Cimmeria) Ph.D. (UCD). F.T.C.D. Long Room Hub Associate Professor in Hyborian Studies and Tyrant Slaying. Dr Conan T. Barbarian was ripped from his mother’s womb on the corpse-strewn battlefields of his war-torn homeland, Cimmeria, and has been preparing for academic life ever since. A firm believer in the dictum that “that which does not kill us makes us stronger,” he took time out to avenge the death of his parents following a sojourn pursuing his strong interest in Post-Colonial theory at the Sorbonne. In between, he spent several years tethered to the fearsome “Wheel of Pain”, time which he now feels helped provide him with the mental discipline and sado-masochistic proclivities necessary to sucessfully tackle contemporary critical theory. He completed his PhD, entitled “To Hear The Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature” at UCD and was appointed to the School of English in 2006, after sucessfully decapitating his predecessor during a bloody battle which will long be remembered in legend and song. In 2011/12, he will be teaching on the following courses: “The Relevance of Crom in the Modern World”, “Theories of Literature”, “Vengeance for Beginners”, “Deciphering the Riddle of Steel” and “D.H. Lawrence”. He strongly objects to the terms of the Croke Park agreement and the current trend for remaking 1980s films that he believes were perfectly good enough in the first place. He is happy to hear from potential research students with an interest of any of these topics, but applicants should note that anyone found guilty of academic misconduct or weakness in the face of the enemy will be crucified as an example to the others.

Fake Science Is Fun Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:49 PM PDT Fake Science is a blog that teaches fiction in the most delightfully silly ways. Visiting the blog will teach you to prevent hangovers by watering down your beer and what your state’s speed limit is when it comes to the velocity of a sneeze. Link Via Laughing Squid

Another Mariachi Brick In The Wall Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:42 PM PDT (Video Link) Living in San Diego, I sometimes take mariachi bands for granted, but this song reminded me just how delightful these groups can be when they cover classic rock songs. Via Laughing Squid

Parrots Can Teach Each Other To Talk Posted: 18 Sep 2011 12:26 PM PDT If parrots can learn words from humans, it’s only logical that parrots can teach others how to speak those words. As it turns out, it’s been happening so often that many people in Australia claimed to be hearing voices coming from the trees only to eventually discover the words were actually coming from a band of cockatoos that included one previous pet. Perhaps the most interesting effect of this is that in large Australian cities, the cockatoos keep their vocabulary sharp through frequent interactions with humans. As a result, apparently, if you say hello to a crowd of cockatoos, it's not unlikely that you'll get a relatively articulate answer. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d love to have a conversation with a wild cockatoo, even if it is just a step away from taking over human civilization. Link Via Geekosystem Image Via rggoldie [Flickr]

Cosplayer's Smashingly Awesome Hulk Costume Posted: 18 Sep 2011 11:01 AM PDT Our pal Geeks are Sexy blog went to the Montreal Comic-Con 2011 and snapped a bunch of neat photos of cosplayers there. My favorite is this one ... what a smashing Hulk costume! Link

Interactive Map Shows Migration Throughout the World Posted: 18 Sep 2011 10:01 AM PDT The Migrations Map is an interactive map that lets you see which countries people are moving to and from across the world. Here, for example, are the ten largest streams of immigrants into Australia. The UK contributes the largest share with over one million current residents of Australia. This map was made by Martin De Wulf, a computer scientist in Brussels. Link -via MetaFilter

Glass Igloo Lets You Sleep Under the Northern Lights Posted: 18 Sep 2011 09:50 AM PDT This has got to be the fanciest way to watch the the northern lights. Behold the luxury glass igloos of the Hotel Kakslauttanen in Finland's Arctic Circle: Link

The Quadratic Formula as a Tax Form Posted: 18 Sep 2011 09:45 AM PDT In a way, this actually makes it simpler. But I’ll probably end up using tax preparation software anyway. -via Glenn Reynolds | Image: Daniel J. Velleman

Hammock Boat Posted: 18 Sep 2011 09:34 AM PDT I can’t find any information about this marvelous invention other than that it was spotted at the University of California at Davis. It does not appear to be a commercially-available product, but a one-off structure. I know one thing with certainty: I want one. Link -via reddit

Tentacle Mustache Posted: 18 Sep 2011 08:40 AM PDT Tentacle Mustache – $3.95 Do you with you could grow a fantastic mustache, but are follicy challenged? You need the Tentacle Mustache from the NeatoShop. This is what all the gentleman squid/human hybrids are wearing. Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more hilarious Gag Gifts & Pranks! Link

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