The Onion Daily Dispatch - September 16, 2011

Fri Sep 16, 2011 www.theonion.com

B.J. Upton Greeted By Teammates After Historic Circumnavigation Of Bases 09.16.11 ST. PETERSBURG, FL—With warm welcomes and loud exclamations of relief from his Rays teammates, Tampa Bay outfielder B.J. Upton was greeted at home plate Sunday after returning from a perilous, arduous circumnavigation of the Tropicana Field bases, a journey that ended at the very same spot it began. News in Brief » Smithsonian Rejects Tie Dylan McDermott Wore In 'The Practice' American Voices » Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High "One in six? Oh my god, that means I probably know someone who's poor." opinion » Well, I Guess I'll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation by Mary-Lynn Davies The nerve of you people. Treating a longtime patron with so little respect, like I'm just another walking dollar sign. If that's what passes for customer service around here, you sadly leave me with no choice but to have the exact same experience at another giant soulless multinational corporation somewhere else. Radio News » Last Literate Person On Earth Dies At Age Of 98

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they just enjoy seeing hit in the balls. Most Popular » Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars U.S. Economic Recovery Resting On Man Currently Perusing Sears Power Tools Section American Secrets For Sale Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High New Study Finds Women Should Only Be Making 20 Cents Less On Dollar Than Men Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People

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