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2015/08/01

Neatorama

Neatorama

Cats Surprised by Ceiling Fan

Posted: 01 Aug 2015 04:00 AM PDT

(YouTube link)

Apollo and Athena have never seen the ceiling fan in action before. They can’t figure it out!What is that? Why is it moving? Can I touch it? -via Daily Picks and Flicks

<i>Alien</i> Xenomorph Wood Stove

Posted: 01 Aug 2015 02:00 AM PDT

In space, no one can hear you complain that it's chilly outside. So throw another log into this wood stove that Burned by Design made. It's shaped like the head of the xenomorph from Alien. He comments on Facebook that "this should keep the neighbors cat out of the garden."

This is one of several geeky wood stoves that Burned by Design has made from old LPG tanks. Others include Darth Vader, R2-D2, Iron Man, and a stormtrooper helmet.

Mars Attacks - Wascally Warriors From Another World

Posted: 01 Aug 2015 12:00 AM PDT


Mars Attacks by Nemons

Humans had lived in fear of an alien invasion for years, but when the day arrived and the Earth was beset by bantering beings from Mars nobody had any idea the whole affair would be so SILLY! The aliens spoke in a bizarre language that just sounded like a bunch of Ack noises, but their leader spoke in a perfectly genteel manner as if he'd lived on Earth his whole life. He called himself Marvin, and if that wasn't enough to embarrass him straight off our planet he led the attack against the Earthlings while wearing an oversized helmet and Roman-esque battle skirt! Screwy, ain't he?!

Bring some animated awesomeness to your geeky wardrobe with this Mars Attacks t-shirt by Nemons, it's one out of this world mashup that's sure to make people smile!

Visit Nemons's Facebook fan page and Twitter, then head on over to his NeatoShop for more delightfully geeky designs:

Dragon RacingPrime's AutoshopVizier SpeaksI Am Metal

View more designs by Nemons | More Cartoon T-shirts | New T-Shirts

Are you a professional illustrator or T-shirt designer? Let's chat! Sell your designs on the NeatoShop and get featured in front of tons of potential new fans on Neatorama!

What Twelve Highly Successful People Eat for Breakfast

Posted: 01 Aug 2015 12:00 AM PDT

Breakfast Foods | Image: HealthCureTips

It's often said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day; at very least, it's one meal that people are advised by health professionals and nutritionists not to skip. The opportunity to nourish the brain and body with items that will benefit health as well as mental process is arguably a smart one to take.

The well-known people, from past and present, in the article linked below developed their own philosophies about what worked for them in terms of a morning meal. Take a peek at the variety of answers received from high-profile people in response to the question "What do you eat for breakfast?"

 

How to Start Your Own Country

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 11:00 PM PDT


(Video Link)

So you want to start your own country. This is a reasonable life goal. What's the process? Joe Bereta of Epic How To gets you started on the major benchmarks of being a country. It's pretty hard at this point because almost all land in the world has been claimed by someone and it's difficult to forcibly take over a country with just yourself and your buddies.

One option that Bereta leaves out is purchasing territory from a government that agrees to relinquish sovereignty in addition to the land. A sufficiently desperate government (say, one that is losing a civil war) may be willing to do so for cash. Just take care of that chore and soon you'll have currency with your face on it. Good luck!

-via Blame It on the Voices

The Apple Human Hamster Wheel

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 10:00 PM PDT

Redditor studercinema said his school recently got a new shipment of iMacs, and this is what they did with the boxes. The redesigned space-saving boxes lend themselves well to a 36-iMac human hamster wheel. However, unless you get a mass shipment of computers, you should save the box in case you ever move your household or sell your computer.

This must be a wealthy school district. My kids’ school asks them to bring their own devices, and asks for donations of old equipment for students who don’t have one, and for the elementary computer labs. There aren’t any two computers in the lab that match.  

Golden Retriever Teaches Puppy How to Slide

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 09:00 PM PDT

Going down the slide at the playground is so much fun! But the puppy isn't so sure. It looks a bit scary. So it's a good thing that Mommy is here to show how simple and safe it is.

When Puppy hesitates, Mommy does what's good for her and pulls her down by her leash.


(Video Link)

-via Gifsboom

To Honor Today's <i>Mission Impossible</i> Release, More of Tom Cruise Clinging: A Very Special Meme

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 08:00 PM PDT

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation | Image: Paramount

If, by now, you haven't seen the shot above of Tom Cruise performing his own stunt and clinging for dear life in sacrifice for his Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation shoot, you may be (voluntarily or not) clinging to the underside of a rock. At this point, the story of the star's bravado in performing this stunt has made the rounds and then some. So much so that in March, Neatorama presented readers with the Very Special Meme of Tom Cruise Clinging to Things, and make no mistake, t'was indeed very special.

Since today, the release date of the latest in the Mission: Impossible franchise (which has been reviewed fairly well thus far) is a Very Special Day, dear readers, I give you part two of Tom Cruise Clinging: A Very Special Meme. See more examples here (some with borderline-NSFW phallic and other sexual imagery). 


 Images: Uproxx

Playing Super Smash Bros. From A First Person Perspective

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 07:00 PM PDT

photo ufoh7tmctlxh5uvksiuh_zpsacjgtljx.gif

When you play a video game like Super Smash Bros. you generally don’t think about the ramifications of your actions, after all the game stars wacky characters brawling in a virtual space.

However, if your actions were made real, and you could see yourself punching a cute little Kirby from a first person perspective, how would you feel about all that smashing then?

(YouTube Link)

The film nerds at SoKrispyMedia created this fun short film that shows what it'll look like to battle the superstars of the video game world while wearing a VR headset, with player one as Mario.

-Via Dorkly

If You Love Someone, Let Him Go

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 06:00 PM PDT

When your robot companion feels the call of the wild, you must set him free. He's not really yours unless he chooses to be with you. Randall Munroe of xkcd reminds us of this great if painful responsibility.

Little Pup Lets Loose With Mega Sneeze

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 05:00 PM PDT



It's less like "Seize the Day" and more like "Sneeze Away" for little Roux the Pomeranian. This pup might be small, but his sneeze packs a mighty wallop! It may even register on the Richter scale. His human Jake Kulbreth of Louisiana luckily caught this moment on video. Gesundheit, Roux!



YouTube Link

Via Tastefully Offensive | Image: Roux Pom

A Field Guide To The People You'll Meet At Summer Music Festivals

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 04:00 PM PDT

Attending a summer music festival is a great way to meet some of your fellow fans, get a sunburn with a story behind it, and generally romp around outdoors to live music.

But if you’re going to take in a show this summer you should probably grab a field guide first, so you can identify all the kooks you’ll encounter as the band plays on.

Illustrator and people watcher Robert Brown created these colorful entries for the 7 People You’ll Encounter At Summer Music Festivals, including that sweaty love machine that's waaaay too into jam bands and soft textures:

The Toothbrush Machine

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 03:00 PM PDT

Simone Giertz is the chief technologist at Punch Through Design, a hardware design company in Minneapolis and San Francisco. Her latest project, the Toothbrush Machine, has a simple premise: “because knowing how to build something doesn’t always mean that you should.” To prove that, her useless machine stylishly and practically brushes the front teeth. It consists of a robot arm mounted onto a bike helmet. An Arduino controls the servo motors, moving the brush into position, and then back and forth as needed.

Dr. Whomer - What's A TAR-D'oh!

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 02:00 PM PDT


Dr. Whomer by Brinkerhoff

Ever since Homer had purchased that old coat, hat, striped scarf and sonic doohickey at the local flea market his life had changed for the better. He discovered that jelly beans made a more than suitable replacement for Duff beer, the sonic thingy got him out of all kinds of binds, and people had taken to calling him The Doctor. He felt like a Lord, which meant it was only a matter of time before he made a major blunder and mucked the whole thing up!

Show the world you have a uniquely geeky sense of style with this Dr. Whomer t-shirt by Brinkerhoff, it's a new cartoon classic!

Visit Brinkerhoff's Facebook fan page, official website and Twitter, then head on over to his NeatoShop for more fantastically fun designs:

Remember AlamogordoBig MarioSideshow Bob FettLong Live The Monarch

View more designs by Brinkerhoff | More Cartoon T-shirts | New T-Shirts

Are you a professional illustrator or T-shirt designer? Let's chat! Sell your designs on the NeatoShop and get featured in front of tons of potential new fans on Neatorama!

Ten People Who Found Big Money and Returned It

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 02:00 PM PDT

Image: NationSwell

A 62-year-old homeless woman from Calgary, Canada was living in a YWCA shelter when she found a purse with $10,000 cash inside. Despite her dire circumstances, she immediately turned the money in.

“It never crossed my mind to keep the money,” she said. “It’s not mine to keep.”

Once the story hit Canadian media, a groundswell of support and cash rewards were offered to the woman, who declined them due to her embarrassment over being homeless and insistence on remaining anonymous. In the end, the owner of the purse set up a $500 trust fund for the woman. That account, combined with other local funding, was enough to move the lady into her own apartment.

Read other stories of people, some in need, who found huge amounts of cash — in amounts up to $221,510 — and decided to return the money in this article. 

The Perpetual Slinky Escalator

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 01:00 PM PDT

It's pretty neat until you realize that from the Slinky's point of view, it's a human attempt to create a Sisyphean hell for all Slinkykind. Matthias Wandel's eternal Slinky escalator amuses us to no end and horrifies any Slinky that watches it.


(Video Link)

Wandel made his escalator with a looped wood chain of steps. He tried to use an electric drill to automate the task. But after failing to get the right speed, he opted for a simpler and more effective hand crank. Just turn at the right speed and the Slinky will never stop its labor.

-via Gizmodo

Badger on a Bender

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 12:00 PM PDT

A female badger is recovering at an animal shelter in Rewal, Poland. She was found unconscious, surrounded by seven empty beer bottles. Two more were hidden in the bushes. Rewal is a seaside resort, and shelter workers believe the badger, now named Wandzia, stole the bottles from tourists, and opened them with her teeth. After two days of sleep, the badger is recovering, although still somewhat disoriented. She may be released into the wild this weekend. -via Arbroath

(Image credit: Fundacja Na Rzecz Zwierzątvia YouTube)

Fashion's Funniest Instagram Account

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 11:00 AM PDT

People often assume that models don’t have a very good sense of humor, an opinion which is reinforced by their blank “modely” expressions and the fact that most models don’t act all bubbly and cheerful in public.

But if you want to see a model’s wild side you have to look at their social media accounts, because that’s where some models, like Tilda Linstam, let it all hang out.

Tilda’s Instagram account is full of funny pics (keeping in mind that funny is subjective), and she's out to prove that models can travel the world, pose for a living and still find time to pose for silly pics. (Some pics NSFW-ish)

See more pics from fashion's funniest Instagram here

Hulk, the World's Largest Pitbull Has a Litter of Pricey Puppies

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 10:00 AM PDT

Hulk and his puppies | Image: Still of video by Barcroft TV

You may remember a previous Neatorama post about 173-pound Hulk, thought to be the largest pitbull in the world. The famous gentle giant is the pride, joy and family dog of owner Marlon Grannon, who breeds and trains protection and police dogs at Dark Dynasty K9 in New Hampshire.

There is an update in the world of Hulk since that post went live: he is now the doting father of eight adorable puppies. The litter may be naturally precious to Hulk and his puppy mama, but in the human world where money talks, each pup is akin to pitbull royalty, with a monetary value of between $30,000 and $55,000. 

By the time the puppies were born, most were already sold at a price of $30,000. Yet if the pups would go on to be trained by Grannon, their value would be in the neighborhood of $55,000 each.

Grannon's business caters to celebrities and other wealthy clientele worldwide, as well as law enforcement. Each dog is trained from birth and "lives together in a pack without fences, barriers or physical restrictions.” See Hulk and his puppies in action in the video below, and read more about him and his newly expanded canine and human family at the Daily Mail. 

The Batalla de Flores

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 09:30 AM PDT

The Batalla de Flores, or the Flower Battle, is the grand finale of a month-long festival in Valencia, Spain, every July to convince people to stay in the city during summer. It starts with a parade of floats full of ornately-dressed women and girls. They parade once for the judges, a second time to wave their tennis rackets, and the third time….

Wait… what was that about “tennis rackets”?

One might assume that onlookers have gathered along the Paseo de Alameda simply because they love a colorful procession, enjoy cheering on lovely falleras in traditional dress, and hope to see some interesting floats. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. This crowd is blood-thirsty. The only thing they really want, and the one reason they’re attending this event, is to hurl softball-sizeds flower at the falleras, and clock them right in their pretty faces.

That happens on the third go-round of the parade. The tennis rackets are defensive weapons to lob the carnations back to the crowd. Even after the parade, the flower battle continues, but it’s all in fun and doesn’t really hurt. Afterwards, the streets of Valencia are covered with a layer of colorful carnations. See a gorgeous collection of photographs of the Batalla de Flores (and a video) at For 91 Days.

Bringing A Very Special Corvette Back From The Dead

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 09:00 AM PDT

The car in this picture might not look like more than a pile of metal junk waiting to be scrapped, but the General Motors Company paid a whole lotta money to restore this junker.

That’s because this is no ordinary car, it’s the one millionth Chevy Corvette ever made, one of the rarest Corvettes in the world.

The white 1992 Corvette was damaged when a sinkhole opened up under the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky, so the technicians and craftspeople at the General Motors Design Center are now working their magic to bring the car back from the dead.

The restoration project is scheduled to be completed by September, and even though the one millionth is hogging all the glory a few other rare Corvettes rescued from the sinkhole are getting fixed up too.

See photos of the restoration process at Esquire

14 Road-Worthy Facts About <i>National Lampoon's Vacation</i>

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 08:30 AM PDT


National Lampoon's Vacation | Image: Warner Bros.

Even in a cinema culture whose proverbial aisles are littered and clogged with bad reboots and sequels, the National Lampoon's Vacation reboot has been received particularly poorly by many fans of the franchise. This gives some a reason to look back fondly at the original National Lampoon's Vacation. Mental Floss does just that in this list of anecdotes about the film. Ready for a road trip? The Metallic Pea Wagon Queen Family Truckster's doors are open and it's ready to roll. And speaking of the Truckster, 

"1. IT PRETTY MUCH KILLED THE STATION WAGON.
Griswold’s plan to cart his family from Chicago to California to visit Disneyland stand-in Walley World required a durable vehicle. Obviously, he didn’t get one. The unheralded star of the film is the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, a station wagon with eight headlights and a pea-green finish. The car was actually a Ford LTD Country Squire heavily modified to be as unattractive as possible, and it did the job a little too well: following the release of Vacation, station wagon sales plummeted. Also known as “estate” vehicles, the models were shortly replaced in popularity by minivans and, later, SUVs." 

A car that cool helped destroy station wagon sales? Unthinkable. 

The Lies That Movies Tell Us, Chloroform Edition

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 08:00 AM PDT

According to pop culture the chemical known as chloroform is a real knockout- just apply it to a rag and cover someone’s mouth and nose with it and blamo! Your subject is out cold, waking up a little groggy but otherwise okay.

This wonder chemical seems like the perfect way to put your way too drunk friend down for a spell so the party can rage on, so why isn’t chloroform in every household in America?

Because Hollywood has been lying to us all, as you will discover in The Lies That Movies Tell Us, Chloroform edition by Zamboni Grenade and Hamilton 100.

It's a painfully drawn out way to make a point, but it'll show you what you're in for if you ever try to chloroform your buddy! (Don't try to chloroform anyone, it can kill them)

-Via Geeks Are Sexy

Elite Taco Bell Will Get a Liquor License and a Bouncer

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 07:30 AM PDT

(Image: Taco Bell)

The 1993 movie Demolition Man teaches us that by 2032, Taco Bell will be the only restaurant chain left in the country. All restaurants will be Taco Bells, even the most luxurious dining establishments.


(Video Link)

22 years into that vision of the future, Taco Bell is already making progress. A new location in the wealthy Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago will offer liquor and local craft beers. And to make sure that only the proper sort of clientele gets in and stays in, the restaurant will have its own bouncer. Presumably the restroom will be equipped with 3 seashells.

-via Hopes & Fears

What Would You Like To Do Now? - The Cooking Game

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 07:00 AM PDT


What Would You Like To Do Now? by Pacalin

Walter has been feeling a bit lost since his show went off the air, so instead of breaking bad habits he was starting to develop a few new ones. First he found himself addicted to video games, especially those where you can choose to play as a criminal, and then he found playing a video game wasn't enough. He called Saul in to hire a team of game developers who would help him create an epic adventure game called HEISENBERG, but the development was taking too long. Seeking a way to make his modelers, animators, programmers and playtesters work through the night he turned to those magical crystals known as Blue Sky...

Kick it like an old school gangsta with this What Would You Like To Do Now? t-shirt by Pacalin, and show the world you have some serious game!

Visit Pacalin's Facebook fan page, official website and Twitter, then head on over to her NeatoShop for more delightfully geeky designs:

Game Over, Little DudeStar WomenSuper Meat BoyGliding O'er All

View more designs by Pacalin | More Funny T-shirts | New T-Shirts

Are you a professional illustrator or T-shirt designer? Let's chat! Sell your designs on the NeatoShop and get featured in front of tons of potential new fans on Neatorama!

These 30 Fun Fantasy T-Shirts Are Magically Delightful!

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 07:00 AM PDT

Fantasy doesn't have to be all bloody battles and dark intrigue, there are plenty of ways to have fun in a magical world of fantasy, although you should probably keep a battleaxe and a few spells handy just in case.

It's a good idea to get your magical gear at the NeatoShop, where you'll find thousands of fantastic designs and free worldwide shipping on orders over $75!

People think the fantasy genre began with Tolkien

Tolkien On Pipeweed by Grafx-Guy

But it existed well before he took up the pen and sent the Baggins boys on their epic journeys

Straight Out Tha Shire by Aaron Morales

Fantasy originated in fairy tales

Fairy Bow by Purrdemonium

Where we first got a taste of a fantastic and magical place not unlike our own

Between Two Worlds by Olipop

Visiting these other worlds felt like taking a trip into a dream

Stairway To Heaven by Tobe Fonseca

And the characters we met there reinforced that point of view

Without My Permission by ArryDesign

For a kingdom is nothing without its denizens

The Good, The Bad and the Lumpy by Spicy Monocle

And in the world of fantasy these range from creatures fiery and fearsome

Ballet Dragon by JBonnetteArt

To cute little critters who can't really do us any harm

Goldfish By The Sea by Vincent Trinidad

In a fantasy world we might encounter a crazy creature that tries to drive us mad

Chesmania by Raffiti

Or a friendly face willing and able to make our dreams come true

Jinn by LikeLikes

Readers may find a mysterious egg ready to hatch

Lil Puff by Chip Skelton

Or discover a field of flowers that reminds us that life will go on well after we're dead

Flower Skull by AntoFax

The tale may take us into the dark depths of a dungeon

Through The Dungeon by ursulalopez

Or whisk us off to an exotic island where samurai rabbits battle the forces of evil

Mr. Yojimbo by vancamelot

We're the masters of our own universe when we read a fantasy story

Afraid Of Your Own Shadow by Djkopet

And we get to decide what to do with the power of our own imagination

I Have The Power by Jayhai

Some will let that power go to their heads

Totorozilla by Zerobriant

Others will use their newfound powers for a good time

Who's Your Friend Who Likes To Play? by Dann Matthews and Bleee

And some will get just plain weird with their imaginations!

Myaine! by Hillary White

That's the great thing about a fantasy tale- it's full of surprises!

Legend Of Koopa by bacongod

Fantasy can be as mundane

JURASSIC CUCCOS (W/ OOT BLUE CUCCO) by Kayden007

Or as over-the-top as you'd like

Fantasy Quest IX by Pinteezy

It can be dark and gritty

Mad Mar: Rainbow Road by JP Perez

Or fun and fancy free

Wooly Egg Chucking Dinosaur by Aniforce

(Although there may be some madness lurking under that wonderland exterior)

Mad Tea Party by Kuitsuku

A good fantasy story can send your spirits soaring

Super Dragon Bro by Punksthetic and Moysche Design

And make you feel really cool when you talk about your favorite series and only your fellow fans know what you're talking about

Wolf Hat by Highschorer

That's the beauty of filling your mind with fantastic fables

I'll See You Again by DiHA

It makes every day feel like a new adventure!

Mage Preesh by Nicholas Ginty

If you're looking to add some dreamy designs to your geeky wardrobe then you should pay a visit to Ye Olde NeatoShop, where you'll find fun fantasy designs that are sure to cast a spell on you and your fellow fantasy fans!

All sales support the indie artists who weave their magical craft into designs for the finest garments in the land, so take a journey to the NeatoShop and score some sweet loot!

Mark Hamill Autographs with a Bonus

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 06:30 AM PDT

Mark Hamill has been signing Star Wars photos and memorabilia for 38 years. I’m sure what he puts on them depends on the situation and how much time he has. Some of the bubblegum cards have surfaced with great jokes to go along with the autograph. Hamill no doubt has heard every Star Wars joke ever made, so there are more of these to be found. I particularly like this one.  -via reddit

12 Kitchen Gadgets That Are As Unnecessary as They Are Awesome

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 06:00 AM PDT

I'm willing to bet that no one ever started to cook dinner only to think, 'I don't have any way to turn my food into mock-caviar though, so I guess I shouldn't even bother.' But whether or not you have need of the Imperial Spherificator, it hardly changes the fact that the product is pretty darn cool and desirable. Similarly, it's pretty easy to carve a watermelon and use it as a punch bowl, but somehow, tapping it like a keg just seems infinately cooler -hence the creation of this tapping kit.

The bottom line is that just because you don't need some kind of kitchen doodad doesn't mean you won't desperately want it. And over on Homes and Hues, we rounded up some of the most clever, cool and unnecessary kitchen tools out there: 12 Cool Kitchen Tools We Desperately Want But Absolutely Don't Need

Uphill Battle: The Insane Barkley Marathons

Posted: 31 Jul 2015 05:00 AM PDT

Inspired by a flubbed prison escape, the Barkley Marathon is a ludicrously challenging 100-mile race only a handful of runners have completed. Finishing it twice? That's next to impossible.

(Image credit: Flickr user Michael Hodge)

It's reverently quiet when Jared Campbell comes running down the trail and into camp. He’s looked better. For one thing, his facial muscles appear to be asleep, even as he somehow keeps moving. He’s wilted from hours of exposure to the cold and rain, his skin covered in bloody scratches and caked with mud. The crowd—similarly battered runners and assorted spectators—is quiet for the first time in hours. The only sound is that of Campbell’s footfalls atop the soggy earth.

This silence is significant. The bugle has already sounded for most other runners at this year’s Barkley Marathons. Whenever a damaged competitor returns to camp, defeated by the course, a bugler blows “Taps” (this is called being “tapped out”). It happens to almost all the athletes who muster the courage—or insanity—to attempt the world’s most confounding foot race. Last night, in freezing rain, snow, and 45 mph icy gusts, it sounded 19 times.

(YouTube link)

Finally, one onlooker’s voice softly breaks the silence: “He’s running. He looks good.” The crowd around the fire rolls into applause. When Campbell catches his breath, he reports on the conditions: “It snowed a lot up there. It was really pretty, but it was cold.” The 34-year-old mechanical engineer from Salt Lake City reveals he slept 20 or 30 minutes on the trail at sunrise—“until I started shivering.”

And then, just like that, he’s gone again. Campbell is attempting another loop.

Here in the backwoods of Tennessee’s Cumberland Mountains, a “loop” is 20 miles. Specifically, it’s 20 unmarked miles that traverse thick brambles, prickly briars, and relentless hills that bring more than 60,000 feet of elevation. The course’s difficulty is only amplified by the maddeningly slippery footing. To finish the Barkley Marathons, a runner has to complete five loops. It takes days, if it happens at all. Since the race began in 1986, only 14 people have finished it.

Ultra-distance 100-mile trail-running events have become popular lately in the United States, with 125 such endurance tests taking place in North America this year. Most of them, despite being difficult to qualify for, sell out within minutes. Races like California’s Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run have aid stations stocked with food, drink, medical assistance, and volunteers shouting words of encouragement. Routes are marked, and pacers—running buddies who keep delirious competitors on course and on pace—are standard.

Not here.

The Barkley Marathons is purposefully, gleefully, and wildly different. It was created by two friends, Gary Cantrell (a.k.a. “Lazarus Lake,” or “Laz”), a bearded, bespectacled Tennessean with a love of the outdoors and a daft sense of humor, and Karl Henn (a.k.a. “Raw Dog”). They were inspired, if inspired is the right word, by James Earl Ray’s 1977 escape from Brushy Mountain State Penitentiary. Martin Luther King Jr.’s killer was at large for 54 hours before he was found, collapsed in the woods, just eight miles away. Laz and Raw Dog had spent years backpacking the park near the prison and they found amusement in Ray’s defeat. “I was a young, cocky guy,” says Laz. “I thought, ‘I could have gone 100 miles in 54 hours.’” That’s when the idea took. He and Raw Dog decided to see whether they could travel 100 miles in 60 hours “in those woods.”

All virgins must bring a license plate from their home state. (Image credit: Flickr user Michael Hodge)

Almost a decade later, Laz and Raw Dog backpacked an 18-mile loop of their own design through the park and completed it in two days. “I’d been hiking and backpacking with topographical maps for a long time,” says Laz. “I thought this would be a great deal of fun.” The following year, they invited some friends to join them in the challenge. They called it the Barkley Marathons, named for a friend who’d been wounded in Vietnam and can’t run.

A couple of years later, the two started placing paperback books with humorously ominous names on the route—titles this year include If Tomorrow Comes, Unless You Die Young, and Don’t Count Me Out. These are the trailmarkers. Runners have to navigate to find each book and tear out the page denoting their bib numbers for that loop (runners receive a new bib number per loop); if a runner is No. 63, he or she tears out page 63 of each book along the course and delivers the pages to Laz to prove that a lap has been completed.

The absurdly challenging race is also absurdly selective. A secretive online registration process weeds out applicants who don’t pay attention to detail. (Laz has been known to disqualify applicants who submit forms five minutes too early, for example.) It costs only $1.60 to enter, but all would-be racers must write a personal essay explaining why they should be allowed to participate. (“I am foolish enough to want to run the Barkley, and for this, I should be both rewarded and punished,” reads one.)

Ultimately, 40 runners are given bibs every year, each of them hand-selected by Laz. Some want to see if they can complete one lap. Those who have never run before are called “virgins”—Laz makes sure to choose several of them each year. Some come thinking they’ll complete three—Laz calls this a “Fun Run.” And then there are those deluded enough to think they’ll complete all five.

(Image credit: Flickr user Michael Hodge)

Stuart Gleman has attended the Barkley for 20 years and has run 17 times. This year, he intended to run but wasn’t feeling great. At the eleventh hour, he made a tough decision. “I’m giving my spot to a virgin,” he tells me.

Thirty-eight-year-old Tim Bird, who was on the waiting list, has come to the campsite, just in case a slot opens up. Gleman has Bird repeat the words "I want to run" and hands Bird his number. Later, after the race begins, Gleman weeps for a few minutes.

It's not an accident that the race is held on the last weekend in March, close to April Fool’s Day. It starts when Laz decides it starts—anytime between midnight and noon. And that’s how it comes to pass that, on March 29 at 5:46 a.m., a low hum rumbles from a conch shell across the Big Cove Campground. Within a few minutes, dozens of tents light up. Soon, a symphony of tent zippers swells.

An hour later, all 40 runners are standing behind a yellow gate on the Firetower Road trail. They carry maps, compasses, and six pages of instructions explaining course idiosyncrasies. To wit: “There will be a pig head on a stick to make [the trail] easier to identify.” Laz’s starting gun is a cigarette. When he lights it, the runners move out. The temperature hovers around 50 degrees, comfortable for this time of year. Four hours later, it drops into the 30s. A hard and steady rain begins to fall.

(Image credit: Flickr user Michael Hodge)

With the rain comes mud. By late morning, it’s caked to Campbell as he crests a wickedly steep, brush-riddled slope from a deep valley below—a stretch known as Testicle Spectacle. And yet Campbell is all business. Earbuds in, small backpack over his fit frame, he moves efficiently over slick turf, then descends quickly beneath power lines enshrouded in fog.

That afternoon, the rain falls, crooked and relentless. The only time competitors find shelter is when they travel through an 800-foot tunnel underneath the eerie abandoned state prison that once housed Ray. There, the water hits mid-calf, cold as ice. And then there are the rats. It’s from this tunnel that Eva Pastalkova, a 38-year-old neuroscientist from the Czech Republic who now lives in Virginia, emerges with an unlikely expression: a smile. She’s having “good fun,” she says, resembling a kid stomping through mud puddles. She rips her appropriate page from The Bad Place and drops it into a plastic bag. Then she heads back into the woods to find her next trophy: a badge of how far she’s come, undaunted by the weather, the terrain, the pain.

Back at camp, 32-year-old Tetsuro Ogata is back and showered, tapped out seven and a half hours after the start. His mistake, he says, was following Campbell. “I was with him for two miles. He’s fast downhill, then he turned uphill before I could catch up, and I was lost for hours.”

When a newbie gets shaken off by a veteran, it’s called “virgin scraping.” But Campbell and Ogata are friends, and the snub wasn’t intentional. “Jared is going to be disappointed in me,” says Ogata, who traveled 29 hours from Japan to get here. Yet there it is, another smile.

Jared Campbell's first loop in 2013. (YouTube link)

Campbell arrives back at camp eight hours and two minutes after starting, ceremoniously touching the yellow gate to mark his official finish of loop one. An avid rock climber and a fan of running “link-ups,” where one runs and climbs in the mountains for days on end, he finished the whole race on his first try in 2012 and got lost on loop two—a long story—in 2013 before dropping out during loop three. He turns his 13 book pages over to Laz, who counts them before giving Campbell a new number for his next loop. Eighteen minutes pass—clothes are changed, the backpack is reloaded, fresh headlamp batteries are secured. Then Campbell bounds away.

A week before this year's race, Laz wrote me an email that resembled free verse:

“saturday night (all night) is the main event, as shattered survivors emerge from the woods from all directions, grateful to at last be safely back at camp. they will tell their tales of horror (with a haunted look in their eyes) with little or no prompting. everyone will laugh.”

Saturday night, a crowd huddles under a tent, trying to stay out of the rain. Fifty-nine-year-old Barkley virgin Billy Simpson approaches Laz with his book pages. He is a casualty, and he looks wide-eyed and incredulous, as though he’s outrun a ghost. “Dude,” he says to me, “this makes Hardrock look like a 5K.” (Colorado’s Hardrock 100 is widely considered the hardest ultra-running race in the United States.) “Laz, I don’t know if I should punch you or thank you!” he hollers, to roars of laughter. By morning, 24 hours since the race’s start, ten runners remain on the course: five on loop two, the others on number three. The rest have cleaned up, rested, and gathered around the fire—the sun finally shining overhead—to compare war stories.

The tales of agony and absurdity bond the runners, whether or not they finish. Similar to how some people collect stamps or cars, Matt Mahoney’s hobby is maintaining the closest thing the Barkley has to an official website. He posts results and recollections from various runners each year. Mahoney himself has 15 starts under his belt. This year, he and virgin competitor Cat Lawson from Great Britain roamed around before returning to camp 11 hours after the start. They had collected two pages—retrieved over roughly 3.5 miles—before giving up.

“I don’t know why I keep doing this,” he says, grinning broadly. “I know I’m not going to finish; I don’t have any hope of even a Fun Run.”

So what keeps him coming back?

“I don’t know.” He pauses. “Old friends.” In some ways, the race is a code these runners want to crack. It’s a puzzle to be solved, and it takes everything one can muster—mind, body, spirit, will. The extremeness is appealing. From the moment the cigarette is lit, life is simplified. It’s survival: going book to book, using only a map, a compass, and pushing an increasingly battered body on.

“You get out there and feel the pull,” says Steve Durbin, a six-time veteran. “You can’t escape it.”

“It’s like a game,” Laz tells me, “but it’s your body you’re playing with. And if your body doesn’t work, you have to make it.”

Just after 6 p.m. that day, 35 hours and 30 minutes after he first hit the trail, Campbell emerges partway down a climb known as Rat Jaw. He moves deliberately, purposefully, clambering over the brush and mud. Campbell walks to the table holding a page from a book.

“My Achilles are about to explode,” he says. “That doesn’t feel good, but whatever.” Then he heads back down the hill and out of sight.

(Image credit: Flickr user Michael Hodge)

Being out on a loop alone in the woods is known among the Barkley crowd as being “out there.” Campbell is still out there. He’s exhausted and “really out of it.” It’s about 2 a.m., more than 40 hours in, when he just falls over onto the ground at the base of a big climb. Between laps four and five, he sleeps a solid hour. On his fifth loop, he feels “surprisingly good.”

To date, only one person has finished all five loops twice—Brett Maune, in 2011 and again in 2012. Since then, three treacherous climbs—named Checkmate Hill, Foolish Stu (named after Gleman), and Hiram’s Vertical Smile (named after veteran Hiram Rogers)—have been added to the course. At 4:40 p.m. on Monday, 57 hours, 53 minutes and 20 seconds after Laz lit the cigarette, Campbell strides into camp. His fist clutches the evidence, and its significance is apparent: He’s become the second person in history to defeat the course twice.

Someone offers him a chair. Sleep-deprived and battered, he regards it warily, as if it’s the first time he’s seen such a thing. Slowly, he sits down. The crowd at the camp gathers to hear the details of his heroic tale. Later, after dinner at a Mexican restaurant, Campbell sleeps for eight hours in a motel room. Still cold to the bone, he hurts too much to get up in the night to adjust the thermostat.

A week later, Campbell feels a little sore in the shin but, other than that, he’s completely recovered. “I went there thinking it was my last time,” he says. Somehow he’s not so sure any more. The pull of the woods is still there.

(YouTube link)

__________________________

The above article by Lisa Jhung is reprinted with permission from the August 2014 issue of mental_floss magazine.

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