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2020/11/03

Bart Simpson Fails His Test and more...

Talk about an iconic moment in the history of The Simpsons. Literally anyone that's gotten back an unfavorable test score can relate to this scene. It hurts.
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Bart Simpson Fails His Test and more...



Bart Simpson Fails His Test
 

Talk about an iconic moment in the history of The Simpsons. Literally anyone that's gotten back an unfavorable test score can relate to this scene. It hurts. 

Submitted by: (via thiefrules)

       
 

Girl On Halloween Leaves Her Own Candy For Other Kids
 

Turns out that all of Halloween wasn't a wash, after all. It's moments like this that reflect back on humanity in the best of ways. 

Submitted by: (via Thomas Penafiel)

       
 

Jazz Guy Documents Ripping of Mario Lick
 

It all started while playing Mario Kart and realizing that that sweet lick could be liberated from the video game. In just a few seconds, that sweet riff went from being in a video game to rising up to the stars, baby.

Submitted by: (via Saxologic)

       
 

Tumblr Thread: The Lyrical History Of The Color Purple

Leave it to the wonderful, wacky minds of Tumblr to continually redefine what we thought possible, when it comes to making history fun. This time, we might the most entertaining take on learning about the color purple yet. 

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Text - gallusrostromegalus S aerialsquid Follow satanpositive Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue. feels-for-the-fictional I have been waiting for this post all my life.

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Text - marzipanandminutiae They are indeed purple, But one thing you've missed: The concept of "purple" Didn't always exist. Some cultures lack names For a color, you see. Hence good old Homer And his "wine-dark sea."

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Text - A usage so quaint, A phrasing so old, For verses of romance Is sheer fucking gold. So roses are red. Violets once were called blue. I'm hugely pedantic But what else is new?

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Text - ineptshieldmaid My friend you're not wrong About Homer's wine-ey sea! Colours are a matter Of cultural contingency; Words are in flux And meanings they drift But the word purple You've given short shrift.

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Dad Jokes for Everyone's Inner Father Figure

Dad jokes are a source of stupid glee and pinch-faced frustration for anyone who dares face a dad. Many of us have our reservations about dumb puns to feel stupid about, but at the end of the day if they're worthy of a dad's grace, then that's a quality pun. Dad jokes have a tendency to go full dad joke.

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Facial expression - The re-opening of LEGO stores was a big event in 2020. Really? Riker's Beard Oh yeah. People were lined up for blocks.

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Text - On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

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Mountainous landforms - Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas.

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Fictional character - ResisThor СарaciThor InducThor TransisThor ell

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Community - A schwing and amish.

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Text - Chinese take out $8 Tip $2 Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order, riceless

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Movie - PART BEARD, PART MACHINE, ALL COP. ZZCOP Ctebactor THE FUTURE OF BEARD ENFORCMENT

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

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Photo caption - Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels

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Text - Князь Мышкин @MyshkinFool HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

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Land vehicle - I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage.. Only driven from time to time. 3ELOrean

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Furniture - FREE ONE NIGHTSTAND

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Water - Rare image of a shark stepping on a Lego.

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Tap - TAP ON THE SCREEN

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Uniform - Describe your average night. They wear suits oi armor. No, I mean at bedtime. They probably take itoit.

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle...

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Sink - Swim

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Text - PUNS ... @ThePunnyWorld Why didn't 4 ask out 5? Because he was 22.

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Adaptation - When she tells you she's not into middle-aged guys. 2020 CAJUN VIKING MEME

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Photo caption - Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bont as director. Speed did not have a director, because if Speed had any direction it would have been called Velocity.

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Games - NO GLASSES ON THE POOL TABLE

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Traffic sign - AHEAD

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Telephone booth - SOLAR SYSTEM FOR SALE ID ATE

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Text - Me: I'm going to the store Mom: Oh good let me give you my Chopin Liszt

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Text - madagascar gladagascar sadagascar outtagascar

Submitted by:

Tagged: clever , dad jokes , puns , dad , dumb , funny , stupid , wordplay
       
 

Bridezilla Cancels Wedding, Keeps $30K Of Gifts For Herself

It's one thing to inconvenience your friends and family, but then to have the unimaginable audacity to steal from them on top of that? Utter insanity. Hopefully you never find yourself crossing paths with a bridezilla, and certainly not a bridezilla that's anywhere remotely close to this one. 

Check out some more juicy bridezilla drama with this bridezilla who wanted to redo a wedding, got rejected, and proceeded to pitch a massive fit. All the yikes. 

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Twitter Users' Worst Dates Ever

Sometimes dates end up being completely disastrous. We're talking situations that feel like literal waking nightmares. The kinds of gnarly life moments that you'd just as much forget ever happened. These particular dates absolutely fit the bill for that. 

1.

Text - Conor Horgan @ConorHorgan Replying to @mrnickharvey The very first thing she did on sitting down was take out a small glass bottle and started spooning a syrupy liquid into her mouth. "Homeopathy?" lasked, heart sinking. "No, a powerful sedative-hypnotic drug" she replied, "If I don't take it l'd be hysterical right now."

2.

Text - Deb Harvey @DebLuckyHarvey Replying to @mrnickharvey He arrived 30 mins late, wearing a 'Hello Kitty' bandana English man abroad stylie. Talked about himself all night, didn't ask me a single question, rubbished my food choices. Demanded to see me again... Reader, I didn't marry him.

3.

Text - Richard @enquivontles Replying to @mrnickharvey Years ago, a man said he would take me for dinner, which turned out to be fish and chips. I didn't fancy him, but he was annoyed that I didn't shag him after. If I was going to prostitute myself, it would be for more than a greasy bag of chips.

4.

Text - Marküs @phykuss Replying to @mrnickharvey Half way through my date went to the toilet...& never came back. As I left after finishing my supper (macaroni cheese!) she was sat outside smoking. Told me her ex turned up & her leaving had saved me getting a 'proper battering'. There wasn't a second date. >

5.

Text - Kathleen Foster @kaff1972 Replying to @mrnickharvey I arived early, put songs on the jukebox, he arrived late, complained about the 'noisy' music, asked me to a Daniel O'Donnel gig O asked if I could cook and sew, said he liked missionary sex once a week in the dark, none of that kinky stuff! I 'fainted' then got a taxi home Y

6.

Text - Tool. @The_Tool_ Replying to @mrnickharvey I once took someone to a restaurant, bread rolls come out, they put the butter on top of the roll. They looked at me like I was some sort of animal when I cut mine open and put it inside of it.

7.

Text - InsomniTweeter @LaurenMustill Replying to @mrnickharvey A tinder date was obsessed that I lived with a gay man. Wherever the convo went, he would bring it back. "Do you hear him have sex?" "Do you listen?". Er, no. Then asked me to pay - he didnt have cash. And told me there was no chemistry so didnt want to see me again. Thank fuck.

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Text - Ted Morris @ted_morris Replying to @mrnickharvey This must have been '93. l'd met this very closeted, inexperienced at relationships lawyer. Nice guy though. For our second date, I took him to see the film Philadelphia. Which on balance wasn't the brightest idea. Never heard from him after that.

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Text - PIRATE LIFE @ohFFSAI Replying to @ohFFSAI and @mrnickharvey It also meant I couldn't drink. I'd booked a restaurant and picked her up at the agreed time. She looked great. We went to the restaurant and she ordered a bottle of wine. I thought I could have one glass. She'd finished the first bottle before the starters arrived..

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Text - PIRATE LIFE @OHFFSAI Replying to @OHFFSAI and @mrnickharvey She then ordered a second bottle of wine and necked that before the mains turned up. Was clearly pissed now and ordered a third. She than started crying and told me and everyone in earshot that she was still in love with her Ex. I got the bill and said l'd drop her off home.....

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Text - PIRATE LIFE @OHFFSAI Replying to @OHFFSAI and @mrnickharvey When we got back to hers, she realised she didn't have Alger keys and burst into tears again. I said l'd call a locksmith. Now we're getting snot bubbles. She didn't have any money. I said l'd pay. 30 minutes of her apologising and I paid £200 for the emergency locksmith.. >

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Text - PIRATE LIFE @OHFFSAI Replying to @OHFFSAI and @mrnickharvey She was in and I said goodnight. On my way home and 20 minutes into the journey phone starts ringing. It's not my phone. I answered her phone and said l'd turn around. As I pulled up at her house, she ran out and the FUCKING DOOR SLAMMED BEHIND HER!!!! Called the locksmith back..

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Woman's Brother Dumps Girlfriend For Being Gold Digger

The whole "test" thing sounds wildly dysfunctional, my dude. This woman asked the people of Reddit whether or not her brother was in the wrong for dumping his girlfriend for being a "gold digger." Most of the comments seem to point at the fact that the brother clearly had some other issues going on. 

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Text - Aita for telling my brother he got exactly what he deserved when he pushed his girlfriend away for being a "gold digger"? Not the A-hole My brother is a very hardworking man and at 27 he is now very wealthy and doing well for himself. He's been with this girl for six months and throughout the time we have gotten close because we both like hair, makeup, and shopping. I never knew there was anything wrong with their relationship except when she texted me last week I saying she would love to

2.

Text - I was shocked so I had to hear my brothers perspective. We spoke and he told me everything she said was true and that there's nothing wrong with making sure his girlfriend is with him for the right reasons. He said he left his bank statements on the bed and was peeking through the door to see if she would be curious and when he saw her pick up the papers he knew in his gut she was using him for his money, so he set up the restaurant idea to see if she would get upset at paying a 500$ bill

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Text - He confronted her and said he thinks she's with him for his money so she said let me do us both a favor and dumped him and blocked him. He's upset about the "gold digging bitch" and when I laughed he called me an asshole. He said I would never understand what's it's like being a rich man and being used and I get that concern, but I told him if he thinks any woman will be okay with his tests and auditions he's delusional as hell. If he doesn't want to be used for his money he should start

4.

Text - 3 Awards Your brothers tests are flawed. 1. Leaving out his bank statements on their bed and getting upset when she picked it up Papers on the bed, hmmm, let me glance at them to see if it's relevant to me & if not, put them out of the way. 2. Going out to eat at high end restaurants he requested and leaving his wallet on home at purpose to make her pay the bill and prove she's not going out with him for money If he wanted her to buy dinner, go somewhere she can afford. No teacher I know

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Text - ladyk1487 • 22h I could be a millionaire and l'd still be pissed if I had to pay $500 for dinner. He's s very delusional for thinking people would be okay with those test. I feel like nothing she could've done would've stopped his thoughts of her. NTA Reply 1 2.7k ...

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Text - yourlittlebirdie • 23h • Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 2 Awards VOTE NTA. He sounds awful. I can't imagine why any woman would want to be with him with that terrible personality. "I'm going to treat women I date like garbage, and if they break up with me, I'll know it was because they only wanted my money." What? Reply 4.0k ...

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Text - KyonaAidoneus • 22h • Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2 Awards NTA, it kinda sounds like HE'S a gold digger tbh. "Testing her" would be taking her out to eat and getting separate tabs, not making her pay for everything. And leaving his bank statements on the bed and getting pissy that she looks? HELLO; EVERYONE LOOKS AT PAPERS JUST LEFT ON THEIR BED. Heck, all of her reactions are NORMAL and he's just acting like a brat. Reply 6.3k ...

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Text - Speedywins • 22h NTA. She isn't a gold digger she's a nice person. Your brother needs to go to therapy for his paranoia Reply 423 ...

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Text - Veritas_man • 23h • Asshole Enthusiast [8] O 4 Awards NTA. Sounds like you told your brother the truth. He sounds immature and testing a partner never turns out well. Reply 32.0k ...

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Text - JOsey_W4les_23 • 23h • Asshole Aficionado [16] NTA - Something tells me that if your brother is driving a car with rims, he's not as rich as he thinks he is. Regardless, dude has a terrible relationship with the money he does have and apparently a pretty low opinion of himself and what he has to offer. It'd be sad if he wasn't such an asshole. Reply 620 ...

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Text - Cevanne46 • 22h • Partassipant [3] NTA. The sad thing is the only women who will put up with being treated this way will be playing the long game to get his money. Because someone after a loving, equal long term relationship will want to be treated with respect. Reply 171

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Text - WayiiTM • 22h • Asshole Enthusiast [8] NTA. Your brother sounds like a miserly mess of a man. He got what he deserves and no woman with any self respect is going to suffer that sort of treatment for very long. You may want to inform your brother that if this is how he sees women and thinks it's appropriate to treat them that way that money is all he actually has to offer so he should either straighten himself out, get good with being alone or learn to love him some gold diggers because th

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Text - HellblazerHawk • 23h • Asshole Enthusiast [9] NTA. I sort of get the desire to see if she was just using him, but his way about doing so would piss off anyone. Like not even getting her flowers or something in 6 months? Reply 877 ...

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Text - Stw_Reylla • 22h • Asshole Enthusiast [8] NTA You know the type of women who WILL put up with his bullshit tests? The ones who are willing to do whatever it takes because they only care about his money. They won't care about being treated like that if they think they'll get what they want in the end. Your brother needs to get his head out of his ass. Reply 37 ...

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Text - DrFluffpants • 22h NTA. Your brother has no idea how gold diggers work. Reply 26 ...

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Text - Vormittags • 22h NTA. Interestingly the only guys I've known who pulled this kind of nonsense were never as wealthy as they thought they were. Reply 22 ...

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Text - thedaybefore1 • 22h Nta. Lol those test are so stupid and prove nothing. 1. If I saw papers on my bed, I'm gonna look at them and see what they are. 2. If I was invited to a restaurant that I don't want to go to and was told they'd pay for it and last moment made me pay for it, I would be pissed too. Especially being a teacher and having to pay $500, for a dinner I didn't want. 3. Giving gifts are a common thing in relationships, they don't have to be expensive. He had no problem acceptin

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Text - Warghul • 22h NTA. It's ironic, true irony, that your brother's toxic approach to relationships is going to assure that the only woman he ends up with is the type of gold-digging trash that will play along and put up with his shit just to get at his money. Reply 13 ...

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Text - 25in2018 • 22h NTA. Honestly, these "tests" seem more like an excuse to be stingy. Also, refusing to get her presents to the point where she has never received anything at all from him??? l'm surprised so many of the comments focus on the other things. Yes, getting stiffed on a 500$ dinner bill sucks, but the whole never receiving anything actually hurt me more. Gifts don't have to be expensive, so this is just him being egotistical. Reply ...

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Things People Bought and Said "Never Again"

They said with this whole "free market" thing that we should be getting good products or services at a reasonable prices, but sometimes that's just not the case. Other times, you get what you pay for. Sometimes a company is having a bad day, and other times it's just common knowledge that you won't be getting a good steak from the dollar store. Other than products, there are things people did that made them say "never again."

1.

Text - Splendidissimus 608 points · 2 days ago I ordered a different type of gravy at Cracker Barrel, and they brought it out to me still in a plastic pouch with microwaving instructions on it. I know things are prepackaged and reheated in a lot of places, but to not even bother dishing it up?

2.

Text - zaagan-daas 31.0k points · 2 days ago 2 O 3 3 & 4 More Dollar Tree shredded cheese. Just. Don't. Please don't be like me and try it. NitroTitan 16.0k points · 2 days ago The dollar store in my area has $1 steaks. I can't imagine trusting a $1 steak to not kill me.

3.

Text - dudinax 24.7k points · 2 days ago S 2 AT&T from back in the days of long distance, said they'd get me a good rate to Thailand, which we call all the time. Bill comes and its 10x the advertised rate. I call. The first guy can't fix the bill. I escalate to a "manager". He says "You are correct. I'll fix your bill." Next day he calls back and says "we've decided not to fix your bill".

4.

Text - IGHOTI907 35.7k points · 2 days ago 2 a R 3 & 21 More Soon after she left me in 1998, my ex wife wanted to meet for a post mortem conversation. I suggested we meet at Pizzeria Uno. About 20 minutes into our agonizing conversation, she looked around and said: "Wait. You hate Pizzeria Uno." I replied: "I sure do. I'm not going to ruin a place that I like with terrible memories. I'm never entering a Pizzeria Uno again." And I haven't.

5.

Text - RPShep 24.4k points · 2 days ago · edited 2 days ago Best Buy. I bought a washer and dryer there, and I paid for installation. The guy came out, installed them, turned them on, and left. The washer started flooding my laundry room within minutes. I called them back, and they said they couldn't come back to fix it. They're just bring me a new washer in a few days. New washer comes, gets installed, and again the guy leaves (even though I asked him not to). Again, it floods my laundry room.

6.

Text - rosenewt 14.9k points · 2 days ago Ohio Savings Bank. They charged me 300 dollars over the span of a year because, unlike normal debit cards, every time I put my pin in instead of signing, it charged me an extra dollar fifty. By the time I caught it most of the charges were past the 30 day refund policy so they gave me 10 dollars as a refund. I didn't make a fuss because I know it's not the workers fault but I did withdraw all my money immediately and switched banks. Fuck that place.

7.

Text - Avatar_014 14.1k points · 2 days ago Sprint- couple of years ago they let someone buy over $2,000 worth of phones in my moms name. Didn't ask for ID or anything. They got an address but it was off by a couple of numbers. My mom didn't notice for a couple of months when her credit got flagged when they were trying to get approved for a loan or something. She fought with Sprint to get the charges removed from her credit. We've never had Sprint before so don't know how that was a massive ove

8.

Text - CoryVictorious 13.8k points - 2 days ago Planet Fitness. Manager called me after I had emailed about an issue and left a voice mail. Except when he hung up, he missed the receiver and I was treated to two minutes of him trash talking me. Called back and said "Yep, go ahead and cancel that membership and next time make sure you hang up". Fuck those chain gyms.

9.

Text - Highplowp 12.1k points · 2 days ago Greyhound bus. If you've got no other option, buckle up, it's going to get weird. peacefullypanda 8.3k points · 2 days ago My dad always says, "you don't ride Greyhound to go somewhere. You ride it to leave somewhere."

10.

Text - Moldruin 11.4k points · 2 days ago · edited 2 days ago Bonafont bottled water in Mexico. It is very rare that I buy water bottles at all, but when I do, I actively avoid that brand even if it's cheaper. Reason? Was my first ever 2 minute unskipabble ad on youtube years ago. Edit: As some of you have pointed out, 2 mins is unlikely and thinking about it it was probably a 30secs ad. Still, I'm being petty over the unskippable feature rather than the lenght.

11.

Text - f1nchley 11.2k points 2 days ago O Spirit airlines. The one time my family has flown Spirit there was a crushed taco salad in the pull- down desk, and the whole plane smelled vaguely like baby powder

12.

Text - Domo-omori 10.5k points · 2 days ago & 2 More Planet fitness. Moved back to my home state from SF. Forgot to cancel my membership. Tried from the App: Nope. Tried from my local Planet Fitness: Nope. Said i had to MAIL IN A COPY OF MY LICENSE ANS PROOF OF MEMBERSHIP. So i cancelled that credit card because that was easier than getting my membership cancelled.

13.

Text - RedLodgeGrl 9.6k points · 2 days ago Dodge Ram. Bought new, had all service and oil changes done at the dealership. Paid above the monthly note and managed to pay it off about 6 months early. At 4.5 years/47K miles it throws a rod. Took the issue all the way up the chain. Was told that because the note was paid off, that we got our money's worth on the truck. Our "expectation that our truck should function beyond the length of the loan was unrealistic". F*ck Dodge, NEVER again.

14.

Text - romeo_papa_mike 8.3k points · 2 days ago · edited 1 day ago Samsung for putting menu ads on my TV that I paid for...

15.

Text - PassiveHulk 7.6k points · 2 days ago Long horn steak house. Reason: all but 2 people in our party (of 15 people) got horrid food poisoning. Mine was so bad that I threw out my back from vommiting and retching, and couldn't take pain medicine without throwing it up. So I couldn't sleep because of having intense stomach and back pain that lasted a week.

16.

Text - New_Game_P1us 7.4k points · 2 days ago Temptations cat treats, there's something in those things that turn cats into absolute junkies. OozingNoodle 3.1k points · 2 days ago One of my cats refused to eat normal food for days on end because of those damn treats

17.

Text - Zetta216 5.0k points · 2 days ago · edited 2 days ago Dominoes. My order was delivered by one of their drivers. The website offers contactless delivery. They are supposed to leave it on the doorstep and go. Delivery guy gets here without a mask. Knocks on door. I ask him to mask up before I answer and he refuses. I tell him I ordered contactless delivery. He says "well you didn't leave me a fucking tip." So I open the door and write zero on the paper. Asking him: "and this is how you thou

18.

Text - -EDGAR- 5.0k points · 2 days ago I dont know if they still do them, but a few years ago Burger King 2 came out with this "spooky" Whopper supposedly tasted like A1 sauce. with a black bun that I remember walking 6 blocks to the nearest Burger King after I just found out I got a new job because I wanted to celebrate. It seems weird, I know, but I was broke and Whoppers held a special place in my heart because they reminded me of some fun times when I was a kid and my mom used to sneak them

19.

Text - BlueManedHawk 4.9k points · 2 days ago Denny's. They spend too much time making high- quality shitposts on Tumblr and not enough time on making sure that the food comes out in less than an hour when less than a quarter of the tables are full.

20.

Text - sav575757 3.3k points · 2 days ago · edited 1 day ago Ashley furniture Tried to use the extra protection plan we brought for our sofa that broke. They picked it up and then they tried to deliver it back to the wrong address 4 GOD DAMN TIMES. We were without a sofa for a month and a half when we were told us it would be 7 days because they couldn't figure out how to update our fucking address. I literally had to go into a physical location because their phone customer service just couldn't

21.

Text - AddaboyShankle 2.4k points · 2 days ago Not me, but my dad. He refuses to eat at Subway ever again because when we broke a chocolate chip cookie in half to share, a long strand of hair came out from inside one of the chocolate chips.

22.

Text - KiniShakenBake 2.6k points · 2 days ago Generic American Cheese Slices from Walgreens. Dog needed medication. We typically encase it in some yummy soft american cheese. Kraft was like $5. Ouch. NoName was a buck for 16 slices. SOLD! Kraft slices also make a damn fine grilled cheese sandwich on the cheap. Except that the dog wouldn't touch it. Like actively turned away and refused to go near it. We had to get white slices when we went to the store next time because he needed to forget the

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Alton Brown Unleashes Weird Food-Themed Twitter Storm

It's a stressful time, and respected food celebrity Alton Brown took to Twitter to vent his frustrations in the form of all caps food nonsense and references to binge drinking. It's unclear if he's trying to parody contemporary food network shows or if he just got boozed up and started typing, but it's at least fun.

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Text - Alton Brown 00 @altonbrown No matter what happens tomorrow, we'll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts. 4:49 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 862 Retweets 188 Quote Tweets 8.5K Likes

2.

Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 I'm seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie #NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time. 5:59 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 360 Retweets 143 Quote Tweets 4.3K Likes

3.

Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 So many Food Network people are like "oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam." Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder! 6:04 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 2K Retweets 683 Quote Tweets 15.1K Likes

4.

Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER 6:08 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 3.6K Retweets 2.1K Quote Tweets 20K Likes

5.

Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 I HAVE 17 CANS OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. BACK THE HELL OFF! 6:12 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 1K Retweets 241 Quote Tweets 7.5K Likes

6.

Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE? 6:13 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 1.7K Retweets 587 Quote Tweets 9.5K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON AS I'M DONE WITH THIS CAPT CRUNCH SITZ BATH. 6:15 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 401 Retweets 117 Quote Tweets 4.6K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown TWO WORDS: RANCH...STINGS. 6:20 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 160 Retweets 24 Quote Tweets 3.1K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 MURDER HORNET FONDUE 6:22 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 892 Retweets 208 Quote Tweets 5.3K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER MET A "JOLLY RANCHER"? 6:23 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 759 Retweets 122 Quote Tweets 5.2K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown YOU WANNA EAT WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT? FINE...EAR WAX. 6:24 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 333 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 3.8K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown PRINCE SAID IT BEST "LET'S GET CRAZY." 6:26 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 414 Retweets 50 Quote Tweets 4.1K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 SWISS FREAKIN' MEATBALLS FOR EVERYONE 6:29 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 379 Retweets 67 Quote Tweets 4.2K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown GRAPENUTS ROCK...ESPECIALLY WITH HALF N HALF AND SCOTCH. 6:30 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 482 Retweets 277 Quote Tweets 5.4K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 00 @altonbrown I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE. 6:32 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 1.4K Retweets 210 Quote Tweets 8.5K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN 6:33 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 670 Retweets 428 Quote Tweets 5.8K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food. 6:37 PM · Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 649 Retweets 187 Quote Tweets 6.3K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer. 6:40 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 3.8K Retweets 874 Quote Tweets 15.6K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 who's with me? 6:43 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 181 Retweets 30 Quote Tweets 5.2K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown @altonbrown 000 I SAID "WHO'S WITH ME"? 6:44 PM - Nov 2, 2020 · Twitter Web App 536 Retweets 320 Quote Tweets 11.6K Likes

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Text - Alton Brown 000 @altonbrown I think I blacked out. What'd I miss? 6:14 AM - Nov 3, 2020 · Twitter Web App 303 Retweets 107 Quote Tweets 6.6K Likes

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Tagged: twitter , wtf , cooking , lol , funny tweets , food , weird
       
 

Patient Doesn't Realize MRI Technician Can Hear Them

All kinds of cringeworthy and unfortunate events seem to happen in the air-conditioned confines of the local doctor's office. Sometimes, that means a patient not realizing that they're actually mic'd up, and the MRI technician on duty can hear every last fart that they're letting loose. An unfortunate, yet humbling (?) experience for any human being to go through. 

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Text - r/tifu + Join u/markedforpie • 6d 2 S 1 1 Tifu by not realizing that the MRI technician could hear me. M Tifu by not realizing that the technician could hear me. Back in February my arm started hurting so I went to the doctor and he told me to rest it. It still hasn't healed so he scheduled me for an MRI today. I arrived and got all set up and the tech told me she was training a new girl. They asked me to lay down Superman style and then strapped down my arm. It really hurt but I figured

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Text - That's when I realized that the headphones were just a little too tight and the music just a little too quiet. You know how when you can make out what the song is but not quite make out the words. I also realized that I was becoming claustrophobic. So l'm living through my own small slice of hell when the song ends and then the same song starts playing again. And again and again. Blondie heart of glass on infinite repeat for 45 minutes.

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Text - Now I didn't realize that they could hear me in the other room and when I get nervous and uncomfortable I tend to fart. Not silent, but loud ripping sounds like I need to change my pants earth shakers. I'm nervous, I'm in pain and l'm being tortured by not quite loud enough music and the loud thrumming of the machine. After a while I started making up words to the music about how gassy and uncomfortable I was. Occasionally, the technician would speak to me through the headphones and tell

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Text - the machine and that they can't hear the music but next time let someone know. That's when I realize l've been ripping ass for the last 30 minutes and they could hear EVERYTHING! I've never been so mortified in my life. TI:dr: I suffered through auto and physical torture while ripping ass for 45 minutes and singing about it because I was too stupid to realize there is a microphone in the MRI machine. 720 73 1 Share

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Tagged: FAIL , injury , Awkward , ridiculous , tifu , Reddit
       
 

Fun and Frustration with The English Language

The English language has some confusing peculiarities to it that result in English struggles, but heck, most languages have some phonetic and semantic weirdness winding through them. And English isn't the only strange language. Here's a post defending the English language and how it's not the only weird language out there.

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Cheezburger Image 9568605696

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Cheezburger Image 9568605952

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Text - French: ..Sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, sixty-ten... Other languages: **stares* French: **stares back** French: ...sixty-eleven, sixty-twelve sixty-thirteen... French: ..sixty-sixteen, sixty-ten- seven... Other languages: "shutting eyes* French: ...sixty-ten-eight, sixty-ten- nine... Other languages: *hands over face* French: ..four twenties! :) Four twenties one...

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Cheezburger Image 9568606208

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Text - Why is baked pronounced baked but naked isnt pronounced naked? Gugulethu Mhlungu @GugsM Because, as someone said, English is not a language, it's three languages wearing a trench coat pretending to be one. O Like Comment Share O=0 3.4K Jordyn Wintyrz and 18.4K others shared this Most Relevant v Charlie Short pretty bold of you to say that since you got named after the sound a plunger makes 4h Like Reply 0 183

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Text - beesmygod: "chuffed doesnt mean what you think it means" chuffed 4) [chuhft] 2 Show IPA adjective British Informal. delighted; pleased; satisfied. Origin: 1855-60; see chuff, -ed? chuffed? 4) [chuhft] ? Show IPA adjective British Informal. annoyed; displeased; disgruntled. it means exactly what i think it means its just some stupid word that literally has two definitions that mean the opposite thing what the hell This makes me really chuffed This post is quite egregious e gre gious i'grēj

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Text - ace-nyctophyle any noun can become a verb if you don't care enough * yupokaysuremhm This point is invalid unless you use an example in your sentence ace-nyctophyle I CAN SENTENCE HOW I WANT THANK A yupokaysuremhm BEAUTIFUL mysterytinyfox you see thats why i love english ailithnight I like to velociraptor around my house at 2 in the morning. ace-nyctophyle GOOD not-to-be-a-tea-but-brit My headache makes me want to clothesline into a wall enquires-state-building why do these make some sembl

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Text - itsagifnotagif S pheelluminati Follow hxasinthus i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte desyred holisticfansstuff Source: hxasinthus #thou canst spelle wyrds howevere thou liekest alraedye if thou isntst a couweurde Tags via @aziraphalesbian fluorescentjellyfish Please no this is how French happened Source: hxasinthus 110,640 notes

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Cheezburger Image 9568607232

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Text - Matthew Anderson @MattAndersonBBC Things native English speakers know, but don't know we know: Traducir del inglés adjectives in English absolutely have to be in this order: opinion- size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife. But if you mess with that word order in the slightest you'll sound like a maniac. It's an odd thing that English speaker uses that list, but almost none of us could write it

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Text - kidouyuuto: how did they learn to translate languages into other languages how did they know which words meant what HOW DID TH English Person: *Points at an apple* Apple French Person: Non c'est une fucking pomme *800 years of war*

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Text - languagebender why divide people by unrational things when you COULD divide them by whether their word for cotton candy is valid or not ? languagebender examples: american english: cotton candy good british english: fairy floss X not valid spanish, german: sugar cotton good french: daddy's beard X NOT VALID berenswick I'm sorry the French call it what

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Text - historical-nonfiction Bugs Bunny accidentally transformed the word nimrod into a synonym for idiot because nobody got a joke where he sarcastically compared Elmer Fudd to the Biblical figure Nimrod, a mighty hunter. omegajako Etymology is ridiculous and terrifying sometimes garbage-empress Bugs Bunny is more powerful than God libertarirynn He also solidified the idea of rabbits loving carrots when carrots actually carry very little nutritional value for rabbits. The funniest part of that

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Tumblr Thread: NASA's Care for Opportunity Rover is a Feels Expedition

There was something extremely poetic about Opportunity shutting down that struck a chord with a lot of people. Workers at NASA really liked to anthropomorphize rovers, like the time they got Curiosity to sing "Happy Birthday." If we know one thing about people and their relationship with adorable robots, it's that humans can pack bond with anything, including a Roomba.

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Text - newromaantics this morning NASA abandoned their mars rover Opportunity (aka Oppy) because it (she) got hit by a storm on Mars and it knocked her camera and wheels out and her last words to the team were "my battery is low and it is getting cold". I know she's a machine but l'm devastated. Oppy is the one who discovered water on Mars. RIP oppy ily space baby

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Text - myhomework-is-onfire they didn't abandon her! they tried eight months to reach her!!!! as their last farewell to her yesterday they played her "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holiday: "I'l find you in the morning sun And when the night is new 'll be looking at the moon But l'll be seeing you" They love her so much and they tried so hard!!

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Text - stickmanbrandon Oh man, It doesn't end there. This isn't the first song NASA sent Opportunity. They had a playlist: https://www.space.com/41434-mars-rover- opportunity-wakeup-music-playlist.html? fbclid=lwAR3uL6q4tOmLQTIEhiwYegGc99nv4 NO1HQKItpCLQiQYlptBOevNN6ulyT8 It's on Spotify, it's called "Opportunity, wake up!"

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Text - This is what's great about NASA and it's what's great about people. These are world-class engineers. When they sent a rover to another planet they could have easily looked at it as just another scientific tool. But people don't do that. We can and will get emotionally attached to the most inanimate of objects. We can and will anthropomorphize anything. And frankly Opportunity's camera mast looks like a little face with eyes and everything, so why not? So they started calling it her. They

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Text - After 15 years of Oppy flipping the double bird to her original 90 day life expectancy, when a planet-spanning dust storm finally knocked her out and she stopped responding to the engineer's wake-up messages, they started playing music for her. And after 8 months and almost 1000 unanswered wake-up messages, when it was finally clear that Oppy was never going to wake up, the last thing these world-class NASA engineers did for their little rover on another planet Was play her a love song

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Tagged: Sad , aww , wholesome , mars rover , nasa , feels , song , rover
       
 

Impatient Driver Gets Instant Karma

Guy should've just kept his cool and not yeeted past that other driver, over a double yellow line. But alas, sometimes the road ragers of this world need to learn their lessons the hard way. Honestly, this particular scenario is hilarious. The fact that the dude in the Challenger yelled some profanity out his window right before the cop pulled him over, was really the icing on the cake. 

Check out another juicy tale of revenge with this manager who fired a third of their team, expected the rest of the squad to work harder, and had it all backfire.

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Text - r/pettyrevenge + Join u/is_it_corona_time • 3h 5 2 1 e 2 1 Want to YEET past me over a double yellow line? Enjoy your ticket! Please excuse formatting, l'm on mobile. The community I live in has a speed limit of 25mph. It also has a connecting street to another dev which leads to a main road, so people tend to cut through my neighborhood to get there. Many drivers enjoy speeding through the streets rather than following the speed limit. The local police department therefore decided to sta

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Text - There's a gentleman who regularly cuts through my neighborhood who owns a Dodge Challenger. For those who don't know, Challengers can get LOUD. Consequently, this fellow enjoys revving the engine every 100 yards or so to inform everyone nearby that this is a Dodge Challenger and its driver likely has a less-than-average-size endowment. This morning, I found myself pulling out of my driveway right as the Challenger turned the corner and approached. And you bet your ass I booped that cruise

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Text - the entire ride through my neighborhood. And the driver behind me was pissed. Revving that engine, riding my bumper, the works. I was loving it. The piece de resistance was when we turned onto the street right before the main entrance. Sure enough, a police car was there. Now, normally, the police puts a car there without an officer inside just to spook drivers into slowing down, but today the universe was on my side. In his haste to pass me and continue on his merry way, the driver of th

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Dad Takes Nerf War Very Seriously
 

You can tell that dad put a lot of time into making sure this video was a drama-packed, emotionally riveting snapshot of a ruthless Nerf War. 

Submitted by: (via Knobbly Productions)

       
 
 
   
   
   
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