Guy Goes To Sleep, Girlfriend Has Meltdown and more...

Yikes everywhere. This guy was just trying to catch some zzz's when the next thing he knew he woke up to a complete meltdown from his girlfriend. She calls him a hurtful liar and proceeds to inform him that he's blocked on everything. Um. The dude was just trying to sleep. Sounds like he really dodged a bullet on this one, and the sooner that relationship is a thing of a past, the better!

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Text - r/relationship_advice + JOIN u/ThrowRaRedditor • 11d My (20F) girlfriend blocked me (20M) on everything because i said i was going to sleep early Relationships I am currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 1 year and i have known

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Text - her for 5 and i have not gotten the chance to see her in some months because of school, since then we've missed each other a lot and we talk on the phone everyday. i try to talk to her as much as i can despite the fact i work 30 hours out of the week and go to school full time. while sometimes we argue and she sometimes will block me on whatsapp and IG , there have been times where she has been as mad as she is currently, but we usually always make up.

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Text - so yesterday, she was having an extremely rough day and she is the kind of person when she is mad or stressed over something she does not like to talk to me , and when she does talk to me she sometimes will be passive aggressive over something. when i found out what was stressing her out this morning she sent me a text saying "i'm not mad at you, but please don't talk to me today , please for once respect the fact i need space" so i didn't. After i came back from work she texted me while

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Text - for a bit and then she called me . after a short conversation i said "i'm probably going to sleep a little early tonight because i have to get up super early tomorrow, after i said that her demeanor changed...she said "well if your just gonna sleep, ill talk to you later" and she hung up , i tried to call her back but she then stated she was upset because i was trying to shut her down and that all she wanted to do was talk, and i told her i wasn't saying i want to cut the conversation, i

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Text - me on read. after that i fell asleep and i wake up to a text reading something like this. "your a liar i call and 2 min into the conversation you immediately want to shut it down. i cant count on you for anything. don't try contacting me again. im tired of being there for people who wont be there for me. your a selfish person. im done with you, go find someone who does what i

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Text - do for you because im done with you. i cant love someone who doesn't care about me. i don't care if you offer to help out all i wanted was to talk to you. the min i need you, your not there . leave me alone, move on because i sure will, im blocking you so don't contact me again. goodbye" now, i know while most will see this and say its over, this isn't the first time i have received a text much like this one, but every time it happens i still feel like shit and i just want to show her im

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Text - sorry and figure out some way to fix this. she has always been more of the type of person that if she feels hurt she will try to say something to hurt me back. in the past i would just go see her and it would work out or i would just give her some space and she would then slowly forgive me, but now im unsure if that will work. what do i

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Text - do? what CAN i do if she blocked me on everything? i love this girl to death and i want to marry her but im unsure of how to handle this Edit 1: Wow..I'm honestly baffled by the amount of traction this post received, hearing all your stories has made me feel loved. I'll try to get to everyone's pm and messages but wow. Honestly yall, I feel for once in a long time l'm NOT alone. Bless all of you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart . And for the one person who asked if I was Asian.

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Text - LordChuckleFuck • 11d S 12 Awards Take her advice and don't contact her again.

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Text - FormalNoodle • 11d O 8 3 4 Awards OP, your girlfriend sounds extremely toxic and that kind of behavior falls under gaslighting. I suggest just leaving it be, and if she wants to talk to you again she will unblock you - and if she does, you need to have a serious conversation about open communication, being an adult when it comes to any type of “fight". There isn't an excuse for that type of behavior coming from anyone, it's just childish.

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Text - karlaREDDIT • 11d Unhealthy. This is your chance.

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Text - Viviaana • 11d Count it as a win, she sounds toxic af and clearly she's trying her hardest to hurt you, why would you want to try and fix that? I know it's rough but she's made her choice and you'll be so much better off without dickheads who call you selfish because they want you to be their therapist

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Text - WitnessMeToValhalla • 11d She did you a favor OP. She's too immature for a real relationship. Block her back

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Tagged: boyfriend , FAIL , cringe , relationships , Meltdown , ridiculous , dating

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A Bundle of Beautiful Stupid Puns

Sometimes we can't tell if we love or hate puns. Depending on who you ask, they're either created by geniuses or monsters, but they can definitely be overwhelming, like this sign's pun game that is too strong. Sometimes you just need some puns to satisfy those wordplay cravings.

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Dog - TRIED TO CATCHFOG YESTERDAY. PLS NO. EATLIVER.COM MIST

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Photo caption - I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire Was it arson? @PunHubOnline Yes, your son CE Pun hub

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Organism - The Human Nervous System JUICE @Thatbulljuice He looks a little... nervous

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Text - Jake 12m - 6 kilometers donate my blood? yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy's boner? nice try, buddy. 1 like Like Comment A bipolarkirkland no hemo youre-hardtohold that was the best joke i've heard all month

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Text - Catstrey @CatstreyDave To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. 6:22 PM - 1/1/20 Twitter for Android 16.8K Retweets 64.3K Likes

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Action figure - RESISTHOR INDUCTHOR CAPACITHOR TRANSISTHOR

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Nature reserve - FROG PARKING ONLY ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD!

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Text - Karen YOU MATCHED WITH KAREN ON 12/31/18 You're so cute it's sKaren me . Yesterday 2:48 AM Huh Today 8:59 PM I tried to make a pun out of your name but I guess you didn't Karenough to notice Sent Today 9:51 PM What

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Text - Sam didn't want to sing SAMSUNG but

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

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Text - earendil-was-a-mariner Gandalf doesn't say that Shadowfax is the best or fastest, he says that he is the "lord of all horses" and I quite frankly want more information about the responsibilities and powers that come with that position. howler32557038 I would assume it behooves him to create a more stable economy for all horses by reigning in unnecessary spending. It must be a huge responsibility to be saddled with, but I'm sure he always meets it with unbridled enthusiasm. He's probably c

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Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her. I said maybe 6:50 AM - Sep 25, 2017 Twitter for iPhone

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Product - Where did her Lego? Unike Reply 841 2 hours ago

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Text - I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won't understand. Post it anyway, most people are smarter than you are think and will probably understand it.

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Internet meme - Was that a T-Rex that was just talking to you? Yeah he just sold me a few handguns What?? Why? He's my small arms dealer

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Stairs - THIS SHIT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL

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Window - Apparently Mac supports Windows now. This joke panes me.

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Text - Tom Bellingham @TommyWTF1 *Star Wars characters seeing themselves in 4K for the first time* Han Solo: "Wow, I'm in HD!" Yoda: HDMI2 Screen M D

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Text - I am doing some small renovations in my bedroom, and just found this hidden in the ceiling 56 12 Share BEST COMMENTS meowroarhiss • 5h Moewron • 4h sabre this moment. 1 11 + Reply

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Photo caption - Why did you bring two pairs of socks? In case I get a hole in one aPunHubonie

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Text - THE MOLAR BEAR FIGHTING AGAINST ENAMEL CRUELTY

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Rock - I inally found it... rock bottom.

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Roof - oh no qasimple @QasimMiah What the hellman

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Knight - It's extra sharp how are you going to fight me with a block of cheese? ப

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Tagged: pun , puns , words , ridiculous , genius , brilliant , funny , awful , stupid , wordplay

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Manager Tries to Fire Guy for Following The Rules, It Backfires

We've seen our share of stupid managers and incompetent owners, and things never seem to change. This guy had the misfortune of having his job bought out by a bigger company, but knowing the rules, he managed to outlast his crappy manager.

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Text - r/MaliciousCompliance - Posted by u/PunkThug 6 days ago There was an attempt to fire me for malicious compliance. oc L Long-time lurker first time poster. Apologize for being on mobile, it's a very long story, and TL;DR at the bottom So, in 2012, I found myself working as a over night maintenance laborer for a family owned collection of properties. Two shopping complex, a winery, a few warehouses, ect. But most of the time, I was working keeping a grocery store built in the late 60s funct

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Text - I was getting the kind of education you can't buy; hands on electrical one night, plumbing the next, welding after that. All taught to me by 3 men that could build a house, up to code, single-handedly. And we all got along great! It was the first time in my adult life I had real responsibilities and I was respecting myself because I respected the job I was doing. The owners were all people that truly cared about their employees and they proved this when, in 2017, they sold the Main grocer

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Text - the company that bought us (I won't say their name but think the opposite of "dangerous path") does not employ an in-house maintenance team. Something breaks, they outsource the fixing of it. So they really didn't have a ready-made place for me to fit into like the other department managers. The store manager also did not like that I was making $18 an hour, 6 bucks over a new hire rate. Thus began the systematic (what I saw as) harassment and what has been later confirmed to me as standar

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Text - Making my 35 year old ass a bag boy. (Jokes on you; I love doing easy work for good money) • Writing me up for spending 20 minutes talking to the police about an accident I had seen while returning carts (I thoroughly enjoyed the district manager apologizing to me for that) Cutting my hours down from full-time to 24 hours a week ( which is completely allowable, but as the second most senior member in the store, everyone below me has to get their hours cut first). • No, you can't force me

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Text - And on and on and on, in addition to the many broken verbal promises and out-and-out lies. I became very well-versed on the union rules, my specific contract rules, and how to protect myself. 7 Union arbitrations in my first 5 months, all ended in my favor. Meanwhile, the assistant managers love me. I can cover any department because I've done most everything and I'm a quick learner for what I don't know. Anything breaks down in the store (it was falling apart before they bought it) if I

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Text - Which at long last brings me to my malicious compliance. The store was not doing well, sales wise. About a year-and-a-half in, they couldn't get a closing butcher. So, the night manager taps me to work in the meat department for 3 hours every night just to close it out and clean it up. In the department there is a bandsaw that's used for cutting meat with bones in it. It's a pain in the ass to clean, so after reading the department manual I realized you were not to use that piece of equip

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Text - Now I 100% had been trained on that bone saw. I knew how to take it apart, fix it and put it back together. But that training was with the old company and I had been informed many times that the new company only thought I'd been trained when they had trained me. Perfect! I can close down the bone saw earlier and get it cleaned. If any customer needs me to cut meat with a bone in it, I inform them that I hadn't been trained on that piece of equipment. Shouldn't be an issue: This is late ni

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Text - This goes on for months until finally I'm called in to the manager's office during the day. Turns out one of the customers I had informed that I could not use the bone saw was a secret shopper. The store manager is writing me up for failure to complete my duties. She's also writing it up as 'malicious' failure (I forget the term they use; it's basically two write ups instead of just one) and that coupled up with my previous write up (I was 15 minutes late once; thats on me) gives her the

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Text - While talking to my union rep it quickly becomes clear that the butchers are a completely different Union. The store is in violation of the butchers Union contract by having a non-union employee work that department. So first my union fights the write-up , wins and gets me paid for the four/five days I missed of work. They then get me a lawyer who tells me I am not to speak with any store manager in any capacity, due to The butchers Union complaint against the store. 2 weeks off, fully pa

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Text - I then get two more days off paid while I speak to the various Union reps for my testimony. the store is fined ($50,000 is what I was told) for breach of Butchers contract. When I return to work, my store manager does not work there anymore. Her replacement only accepts the job if his bonuses are not tied to the store's overall performance, so he doesn't mind I'm overpaid. As icing on the cake, no one really liked her so I'm damn near a hero when I get back O TL;DR: After the store manage

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Tagged: unions , rules , boss , manager , job , butcher , nice , story , store , win

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Ways People Rebelled Against Unfair School Rules

School is typically your first opportunity in life to be done dirty by an uncaring monolith with corrupt administration, so it's no wonder it can be a place of rebellion. People remember when teachers are unfair, and come up with some clever ways to flout the rules.

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Text - PM2503 5.9k points · 21 hours ago The canteen stopped selling sachets of red sauce due to the mess some kids were making. My friend carried a huge bottle of red sauce in his bag for at least a month and provided illegal red sauce for the cost of 5p per squirt. made a fortune.

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Text - BagsOfCowSnot 31.3k points · 20 hours ago 3 Back in the 1980's there was one kid in my school was hardcore into the punk scene. Had a bright blue, 6" high, razor thin, stand-up-straight mohawk. The principal gave him detention for being a distraction, etc. and his parting words that day were "And tomorrow.no more blue mohawk!" The next day the kid came in with the same mohawk, only bright pink.

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Text - 6lesbianlover9 29.6k points · 21 hours ago 02 No hats in school. In high school junior year, There was this one kid in my grade that was allowed to due to him having Alopecia Universalis, which is basically having rapid baldness. A new teacher wasn't aware that he was allowed to and asked him to take it off. The kid explained why he was able to, but the sub didn't believe him, forced him to take it off, and was being very cruel to him for wearing the hat/his lack of hair. The next day, ev

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Text - banjolier 26.8k points · 19 hours ago O Senior year, my school banned jackets. A friend was cold, wore his jacket to lunch, and the VP told him to take it off. Friend pulls out the student handbook and asked where it said he couldn't wear it. VP flips for a while and ends up showing him the, "...or anything the adminstration seems disruptive," clause. Friend rolls his eyes but takes off his coat. The next day, friend comes in with the same tweed sport coat the VP wore every day.

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Text - Link-to-the-Pastiche 24.3k points · 22 hours ago · edited 18 hours ago I was at a private school that had rules about the length of boys hair. One guy in particular always ignored the rule and the administration would tell him to get a hair cut every so often, but he never did. Eventually when his hair got about down to his shoulders the principal pulled him aside and told him his hair was twice the allowed length and by next week it needed to be shortened by half. Monday rolls around and

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Text - biggins9227 23.1k points · 22 hours ago After 9/11 my school made a rule where we had to wear our school ids. They went overboard quick handing out detention to anyone who didn't wear one. One kid had his ID blown up and put on a shirt. On the back it said "yes I'm wearing my f*cking ID". He got detention for not wearing it with the shirt.

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Text - the-bryman 21.2k points · 20 hours ago · edited 16 Last day of senior year, we started a food fight at lunch. And by food fight, I mean we drew angry faces on an orange and an apple, then faced them toward each other, made a big circle around them, and we all reacted like we were watching a fight. All the security guards ran to break up the fight, only to make their way to the middle of the circle to find two pieces of fruit sitting on the ground.

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Text - Parallel37 5.0k points · 22 hours ago Our school collectively hijacked an assembly by singing along to Journey's don't stop believing after the teachers forgot to turn off autoplay on Youtube.

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Text - SavageSquanto 3.1k points · 20 hours ago S There was a presentation on vaping last year by some poor woman from an advocacy group or something. After every sentence, or whenever she paused, the whole assembly (all 300 kids in my grade) would give a massive standing ovation. We weren't stopped until we had done it like 15 times

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Text - dirtybirds233 13.4k points · 22 hours ago Friend was told in high school by his guidance counselor not to waste his time applying to his dream school because he wouldn't get in. He got pissed off and went to the principal, who told him it was the counselor's job to give her best opinion, so he trusts whatever she says. He applied anyways, and got in. He took the acceptance letter, made a copy, and taped them to both the principal and counselor's door with "thanks for nothing!" written on

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Text - ThadisJones 13.1k points · 21 hours ago · edited 13 hours ago We had an awful Spanish teacher in middle school who collectively punished the class by making us write the same sentence a hundred times over in detention. On one of these occasions my friend and I asked her if we could type our detention in the computer lab (this was when computers in schools were a New Thing) so we could improve our "typing speed", and she said yes. Anyway we didn't do much typing but did learn how to write

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Text - Text - AnEnigma1 12.5k points · 21 hours ago When I was in high school, there was a rule implemented that if you showed up late to school, you had to go to the front office to get a detention slip. You would then have to give it to the teacher for that period, who would then mark it down, and you were required to go to lunch detention for that day. I figured out by the third slip that literally no one cared: teachers, security, or students. So when I was subsequently late for the rest of

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Text - mercyphoenix 12.3k points · 21 hours ago · edited 17 hours ago When I was in grade 7, our last class of the day, students would always bring in snacks. Our lunch shift was way too early in the day, so by the end of the school day we'd all be feeling hungry. And we were all told by our teacher that if we didn't have enough to share we couldn't eat in the classroom. One day, almost all of us brought in enough food to share, even with the students that didn't bring anything in. We even synch

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Text - mama_o000 11.5k points · 22 hours ago guy was wearing shoes against the uniform policy and was ask to put on shoes from lost property, he went around school barefoot all day.

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Text - backafterdeleting 11.4k points · 20 hours ago · edite We had a french teacher who was really bad and most people barely tolerated. It happened a few times that whoever arrived first would stand outside her door as if waiting for her to show up and unlock it, and the rest of the class would just queue up behind them pretending to believe them. Meanwhile the teacher would just be sitting inside wondering where her class was.

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Text - Acceptable-Living 10.7k points · 23 hours ago Last year our school fetched in a ban on backpacks and bags in general since they were apparently a "safety hazard" two days later some guy in my yeargroup comes in carrying his books and pencil case in a microwave. Dude made national news

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Text - ToastedMaple 10.3k points · 22 hours ago A kid was passing notes, and the teacher caught him and insisted he had to give the note so she could read it outloud. He ate the note.

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Text - Mostlyaverageish 9.8k points · 22 hours ago One of my class mates got sent to the office for wearing "gang" colors. Because he has a red marine corp bandana tied to his back pack. The rest of the year he wore a pin stripe suite with vest and carried a fedora.

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Text - Beakerguy 9.2k points · 20 hours ago My daughters both went to a Catholic high school. My younger one had a bit of a wild streak. The girls were required to wear a skirt every day to school. My daughter did not care for this rule and wore her skirt around her head one day since the dress code required the students to wear a skirt, just not where. I was told that she was wearing spandex underneath. That's how my daughter got a new rule in her high school dress code.

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Text - PanickedPoodle 8.2k points · 22 hours ago My high school was always issuing new dress code rules for the girls. Mini skirts had to be longer than your arm, no tube tops, etc. One day, all the boys dressed in drag, breaking all the rules. No violation because the dress code specified only girls.

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Text - mg0019 8.1k points · 20 hours ago Elementary school had a ban on extreme hair colors. My brother shows up with firetruck red hair. Principle stops us both as we're entering the school and she's going off on my brother. She's berating him, saying "who do you know that has red hair like that?" Without skipping a beat, "Ronald McDonald." Principle just grabbed him drug him into the office. My 4th grade brain was in shock that he just one upped a grown up like that. She called my dad and he p

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Text - the_real_Phoenix 7.9k points · 22 hours ago Okay so we need to have clear backpacks, right? This kid puts quite the vulgar image depicting the counselor on one of his notebooks and packs it against the edges of the pack.

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Text - Slappy_Hamster 7.3k points · 20 hours ago 3 In my private school boys were required to wear a collared shirt. It really wasn't enforced, until one day it was. I was wearing a sweater without a collared shirt underneath and I had to go back to the dorm and change. I argued that I didn't look ratty or underdressed at all, but they said rules were rules. The next day I wore a white T-Shirt with a collar (cut off from one of my older shirts) stapled to it. It looked terrible, but rules are ru

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Text - Text - ObedientProle 7.2k points · 21 hours ago S This was prior to smartphones circa 2002. One of my classmates was a regular class clown. He would buy brownies in the cafeteria and roll them up in his hand so they looked like a convincing piece of poo. He would then do all sorts of antics with this poo. Put it on seats throw it at people what have you. Obviously the school staff caught on and he got in trouble. This guy didn't go quietly though. He was required to sit alone at lunch for

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Text - ElGuapo22 7.1k points · 20 hours ago I went to a Catholic grade school growing up that had a strict boys hair length policy. It couldn't touch the collar of your shirt and I wanted long hair. So the principal came in one day to talk to the class, when she was leaving the room she called me out for my long hair in front of my classmates. My response was to point to the cross hanging above the door and said "Jesus had long hair." She didn't know what to say right away and seemed embarrassed

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Tagged: school , rebellion , students , teachers , rebel , lol , stories , win

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Real Life Optical Illusions and Double-Takery

Your brain is doing it's best to keep up with all the information your eyes throw at it, but sometimes things don't make sense. With some weird perspective, you can confuse yourself into thinking stuff is way too big or small, floating strangely, or something else entirely.

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2. Leg with no body

3. Plane looks like missing sky pixels

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5. worm cat

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Smoke - WINNER TIANTOM KAN OF THIS CiNTURY

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Night - F18 AROOSIANG Watford Estales 23 8o 56 19 24

11. cat bust

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Dog - THE OR S)) Our dog's paw looks like a mini-version of him

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21. Just boots, not fallen pants

Product - Tawag wg "ANGHAL TANGHA ANGIAI ALAN RITY CIALAN DRITY TANGIALA ELURIT TANCHA CELEBE NCIAL TALA LBIT NGHAT AN IALAN

22. baby grip

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25. Lava Flow Looks like a Phoenix

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Tagged: cool , pictures , wtf , confusing , strange , Double Take , perspective , funny , weird

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Sadly Mistaken People Who Didn't Understand Satire

People have a really hard time deciphering what is real news and what is obviously a joke. Who knew the unintended consequence of satirical news would be your grandma thinking the rapture happened. Whether it's a state of uncanny gullibility or just poor reading comprehension, a lot of mistaken people do not understand satire.

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Product - The Onion 5 mins · O NA-00 Stiy Extra Fitr Evtra Ertra ज्र Katra Katon Tin rhit Ertra LOCAL.THEONION.COM Convenience Store Employee Given Generous Holiday Bonus Shift Boo hoo. Get a tougher, higher skilled job, or replace it with a vending machine. 01 2 mins Like Reply More Stitch It! Tara

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Text - Water - bro is this real? O if it is,,, man that's just messed up. #BoycottSeaworld The Onion O @TheOnion · 100 Nov 15 SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks 1:06 PM · 23 Dec 19 · Twitter for iPhone 26 Retweets 1,233 Likes

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Product - Trust me, I'm a "Parent" 1 uur • O What? Vertaling weergeven THEONION.COM Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend

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Text - Text - 8.33 33 THEONION.COM Frigid Chicago Bean Shrivels Up From Below-Zero Temperatures T've been there when it was about 12 below so I know this is false. 11 Reply 1w Like View 4 more replies

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Drinkware - Yesterday at 19:23 · DON'T BUY STARBUCKS I SAY BOYCOTT IF THIS IS TRUE!!!! BABYLONBEE.COM Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups 2 Comments

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Text - Architecture - OUR ANNUAL YEAR Best of April THEONION.COM Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral's Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System 12th century electrical system? Come on, maybe 19th century but electric lighting, heating etc was not around in the 12th century surely. 7

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Text - CLICK ClickHole O HOLE @ClickHole At A Loss: The FCC Has Announced That They Can't Understand What The Hell Is Happening In Anime And Honestly Have No Idea If It's Okay For Children clckhl.co/MIHOYUW Replying to @ClickHole and Why can't the FCC just go away already. It litteraly does nothing good for anyone. Such a waist of time and money

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Text - Text - The Pray January 14 at 11:10 AM - Christian teacher fired for having sex with homeschooled student. #satire #parody #religimarole #homeschooling #Alabama #Jesus https://www.religimarole.com/.../christian-teacher-fired-for-.. RELIGIMAROLE.COM Christian teacher fired for having sex with homeschooled student. 1 Comment O Like Share Comment I haven't clicked on the article and I don't think I want to, but just parse this headline for a second and ask yourself this question - if you are

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$Text - The Onion O @Th... . *•*•/\/A Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die trib.al/K6Zblo8 ۳٫۰۲ ۲ O 189 Ashton "Cuck Po... · •*•//A This isn't funny they lost their children ker @syneclisa @TheOniong @3Dwarves Le iás Hope they find them$

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Text - Land vehicle - ClickHole O @ClickHole · 21h CLICK HOLE Heartwarming: When This Subway Employee Had To Walk 20 Miles To Work Because He Couldn't Afford A Car, The CEO Of Subway Drove Alongside Him To Cheer Him On clckhl.co/VDIQtqC 27 127 770 Replying to @ClickHole I'm all for positivity and motivational talk but only one logical thought comes to mind. Why doesn't the Subway CEO do one better and put his words into actions by helping to buy the employee a car instead of driving alongside th

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Text - Text - The Pray Published by [?]. 9 hrs BREAKING:The Rapture has come and all true Christians have returned to heaven with Jesus. #satire #parody #rapture #Jesus #scripture #Arbys RELIGIMAROLE.COM BREAKING:The Rapture has come and all true Christians have returned to heaven with Jesus. 2 Comments 1 Share Then... who's posting this? Is there FB in heaven too? Like · Reply · 10h : Try once more... Like · Reply · 5h That is all BS Like · Reply · 34m Don't think so , Just spoke to one half ho

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Natural environment - Tweet The Onion O @TheOnion · 40m Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex trib.al/OGByllj O 20 O 701 2791 Replying to @TheOnion If thats true it just shows how even though folks think we are real advanced and good with computers that nature still will always be more complicated and what not then our technolgy

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Text - Font - SESAME STREET PLAYSKOOL! Feminian THAT WAS NOT CONSENSUAL! VELMO T00 BACK OFF! DO NOT TRUST ELMO PRESS TUMMY o FOOT FOR LAUGHS BABYLONBEE.COM New Feminist Tickle Me Elmo Just Says, 'That Was Not Consensual' 1 Comment ל Like Comment Share Keep your new stupid Elmo even the toy makers are political morons

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Text - The Onion O @TheOnion 13m Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America trib.al/4jvfYC6 Q 11 27 205 876 gene jubic @GJubic Replying to @TheOnion That's what @AOC has been saying! #LiberalHypocrisy 5:32 PM 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone 27

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Organism - The Onion O @TheOnion · 19h Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change trib.al/ T6ZHULB DO NOT CLIMB UP THE WALL 20 27157 O 1,294 Replying to @TheOnion What a cruel and, frankly, bloody stupid thing to do to these unsuspecting animals. They should be charged with animal cruelty for behaving like uneducated, low class idiots.

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Text - Text - shared a link. Visual Storyteller · January 2 at 2:16 PM Say What (Collapse Lung) Frankinc nse Lavender (Sore Throat) (Gout) Lemongrass (Broken Rib) Hibiscus (Heart Attac (Obesity) Slim n New Version Of 'Operation' Just Has Players Use Essential Oils Instead Of Performing A Medical Procedure BABYLONBEE.COM 22 Comments b 266 Comment O Like Sadly indicative of the times we live in Like · Reply · 2d

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Landmark - Georgia Whitehead shared Chelsey Sleigh's post. 55 mins · 6 You've got to be kidding me! Chelsey Sleigh 2 hrs 6 This better not be true It's a British landmark, always will be and should remain as "Big Ben" Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018 - The Rochdale Herald O The Rochdale Herald

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Text - 3.2d and @packers Replying to E And they've built an 8-Billion-Dollar Abortionplex, too! The Abortionplex's Main Floor Abortion Suites Rooms where the actual abortion procedures are performed and where women may enjoy a complimentary pedicure and flute of champagne. Day-Care Center Young children can play in this supervised area while their unborn siblings are being terminated elsenhere in the facility Grove of Reflection Small wooded area where women can quietly contemplate how much bett

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Photo caption - ClickHole O @ClickHole · 23m HOLE Major Disappointment: J.J. Abrams Has Revealed That Finn And Poe Are Both Gay, But Don't Really Vibe With Each Other Romantically clckhl.co/C27NDM2 CLICK 2] 336 1,557 6 SU & TROS SPOILER... V Catherine | @Caterfree10 Replying to @ClickHole and @shaun_vids ..are we supposed to be happy with this sorry excuse for representation? 12:15 PM 15 Jan 20 · Twitter Web App

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Text - The Onion Yesterday at 6:40 PM • O OUR ANNUAL YEAR Best of April THEONION.COM Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adopti... 119 Comments • 94 Shares 1.1K לן Like Comment Share -BAD (GEs) Adoption News and Events NEWS always Beautiful choice #intendedparents are waiting #adoption

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Doughnut - Karey Can anyone confirm this? STARBUCKS IS NOW OFFERING THESE FREE ISLAMIC DONUTS TO YOUR KIDS STANS FO THE TEXT CALLS FOR SHAKIRA LAW IN AMERICA 3/2/17, 2:09 pm

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Text - 17 irs. And just like that, Taylor thinks she's Corpse Grinder. ENTERTAINMENT.THEONION.COM Taylor Swift Unveils Even Darker Persona With New Single 'Skullfucking Maggot Shit Boyfri.. לן Like Comment Share

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Text - The Onion O @TheOnion 5h Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign trib.al/ M43cuzu #OurAnnualYear2019 FOUNDED ON FRESH OUR ANNUAL YEAR Best of July 27317 30 2,895 Replying to @TheOnion Why would they have thought this was a good idea

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Text - + Add Friend This genuinely has happened to me before: Area Man's Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women MILWAUKEE-Describing his mind as both "a blessing and a curse," local man Benjamin Walker, 27, told reporters Thursday that his intellect was probably just... THEONION.COM 3 Likes 8 Comments

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Text - 19:13 1 1 hr · How fucking sad is this, have to build a replica of some old thing to attract billionaires bc apparently pictures of burnt, dying, dead animals and human deaths isn't enough for the scummy fukss. Swear pink is the only person who's donated anything ?? CHASER.COM.AU Australia builds Notre Dame replica in path of fires in hope of luring billionaires to donate 1 Comment 1 share O Like A Share Comment

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Tagged: news , mistaken , jokes , the onion , morons , satire , gullible , fake news , ridiculous , idiots , stupid

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Chaos and Misfortune that Injected Itself into People's Lives

Your can never be too sure what kind of chaos and failure life will bring you. There are insane snowdrifts that bury your car, people driving through concrete, ruined art projects and dogs chewing through doors. Life is an artist and chaos and misfortune are its implements.

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Text - l Verizon 3:29 PM 81% Graham Couch Retweeted Lynsey Mukomel @lynseymukomel Well, friends. This is what came in the mail. I'm gonna need something else, please. PURE MICHIGAN DCK #247 THE MACKINAC BRIDGE 2:45 PM 1/17/20 · Twitter for iPhone 14 Retweets 53 Likes Tweet your reply

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Wall - WANT YOUR HOUSE PAINTING? DONT BE LIKE TERR PAΥΤHE, BILL!

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Face - When your double chin is so bad the filter thinks it's lips Send a chat

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Green - 15 TICKETS 4. BIG BASS BONUS TICKETS 1000 4. TICKETS TICKETS SO 50 TICKE TS

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Media - My wedding venue was double booked at the same place as a furry convention Ib 42 Haha Reply 29m O reddit

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Tagged: misfortune , bad , chaos , wtf , FAIL , unfortunate , mess , mistake

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Weird, Stupid and Funny Signs and Ads

Signs, advertisements and billboards are a weird game. Every joke advertisement is a bit of a risk. Some are dumber than others. Sometimes a sign's pun game is simply too strong. Some advertising fails, like the magazine layout fails are total accidents. Sometimes signs are just straight up scary.

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Fast food - IT JUST TASTES (BURGER KING BETTER IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND AWAY MED 05-6,25 MEAL Fil your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yeam tor BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef paty, topped with American cheese. crispy onions and the A.1 Thick & Hearty Steak Sauce.

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Poster - Blow ih her face and she'll follow you anywhere. Hit her with tangy Tipalet Cherry. Or rich, grape y Tipalet Burgundy. Or luscious Tipalet Blueberry. It's Wild! Tipalet. It's new. Different. Delicious in taste and in aroma. A puff in her direetion and she'll follow you, anywhere. Oh yes..you get smoking satisfaction without inhaling smoke. Smokers of America, TIPALET TİPALET TIPALET TIPALET. do yourself a flavor. Make your next cigarette a Tipalet: New from Muriel. About 5 for 25<.

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Oreo - Triple Double OREO Triple De OREO ONAL

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Billboard - YOUR MOUTH IS ROUND FOR A REASON QT CCTAROIANEL

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Skin - We're about to reveal something you'll really drool over. What a tease. Arby's introduces enciting new menu kems including the Roastauroer" Hs the burger done belter Untortunately. you'l Nave to wait unti March for the full mouthwatering experience. Arby's I'm thinking Arby's.

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Billboard - Guess what's coming? NEWPORTAQUARIUM A Milion Gallona of Fun LAMAR

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Boxing glove - YOU'RE NOT YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY SNICKERS SATISFIES

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Camera - Shoot your girlfriend. Porasonie LUMK DMC-FZI50 comera Panasonic High spoed shots even at night

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Billboard - "I did WHAT with my sister?" O DANIE'S WHISKE friends at Jak Duiahni

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Product - Ball oons SACKVILLE STREET Wediting Shon Contoc Party FREE PUMP with ery Is your website embarrassing you? nettl Get :one that works on mobiles netti.com

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Head - STOP NE THE VÍOLENCE DONT TEXT AND. DRIVE ecoviA

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Poster - VOTE 1 CREEN THE man ELECTION WIN $100000 Miss Green, working the polls.

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Billboard - 654-7222 ADente Dental JIM Snyder, DDS IAM TOOTH! GUARDIANS OF THE GUMS BRACES $199/MONTH Burkhart

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Facial expression - For a better start in life start COLA earlier! How soon Is too soon? Pry Aeshe Lidenye Bst Pawali Not soon eneugh. Laborstory sests over the las few yean have proven that babiea who san diking soda during that -Glesy endal eaely formative period heeah higher chance of paining cceptance and "fting in" during those awkwad pre-inen and toen years Sa, do yourself a tavor. Do your child a faver Start them em a strict egimen of soda and other wgary cartonated beverages right now, f

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Advertising - ILLINNOYED by higher taxes? COME TO Indiana A State that Works AStateThat Works.com MID-AMERICA

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Billboard - "LOOK MOM, =ER NO HANDS!" WAIT a3Medical Center of McKinney ASTERTL.COM 4-847 CUTYRONT

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Billboard - If alcohol is not the answer, change the question. Lee's Discount Liquor LAMAR)

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Billboard - WE CAN PLEASE YOUR WIFE 3 DAYS A WEEK. CAN YOU? DIMP Fine furniture. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. GOARCNANNE SHEELY CENTER.

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Advertising - TITAN You can never be too thin. Fatgel Crisps

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Billboard - Child Support Blues? Should Have Been A VASECTO MAN VasectoMan.com

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Text - First TOO HOT TO KEEP CHANGING SIGN SIN BAD JESUS GOOD DETAILS INSIDE United Methodist Church

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Advertising - HOT SHINGLES Firehotise IN YOUR AREA. Roofing OWNED OUTD OR BADVER ING INGINC COM OPERATED FIREHOU

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Property - HHOWARD Family Dental WE DO OUR BUSINESS IN YOUR MOUTH 264 8408 Kevin Rit ola, DMD 159 Altama Connector

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Sky - WHO YA GONNA CALL? NOBODY... YOU'RE DRIVING

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Advertising - ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR FREE HELP. ILLITERACY FOUNDATION 306 MAIN STREET LARAR

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Property - URBAN EARTH Nursery in Fremont YOU CANT PLANT FLOWERS IFU HAVENT BOTANY

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Advertising - Wearehaving BIG FUN in URANUS ROUTE 8 Miles AheadFT 163 66

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Banner - Protsona Fonty H Coe WASABI ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI " $16 PER PERSON EVERYDAY FOR DINNER

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Billboard - Don't Get a Divorce... Just Get a Bigger House Chris Clarke The Real Estate Guy AREMAX BHatman Reaty La 416 462.1888 chrisclarket 1203 om OCBS

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Nose - Diet dodge: Enjoy an ice cream cone shortly before lunch. Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat. When you're hungry, it usually means your energy's down. By eating something with sugar in it, you can get your energy up fast. Ia fact, sugar is the fastest energy food around. And when your energy's up. there's a good ehance you'll have the willpower to undereat at mealtime. How's that for a sweet idea? Sugar...enly 18 calories per teaspoon, and it's all energy. Sugar Information G

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Advertising - ADAMS America's First Recycled Water Outhouse SPrings OUTHOUSE SPRINGS

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Billboard - Do it for Mom freeHIVtest.net AHE Wagner

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Poster - NICO TIME CIGARETTES THE SMOOTH TASTE EXPECTANT MOTHERS CRAVE!

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Advertising - INJURED? CALL 338-0900 BAVID KEMIE *THE ATTORNEY THAT ROCKS Principal Office - Austin, TX 125

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Billboard - "I'M A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT. LOOK AT ME NOW." BUZZ -The Church of Lazlo WEEKDAYS 3PM-7PM TERONT

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Billboard - Time for Silberman's Fitness Center. 899-9501 VIACOM

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Signage - SONIC America's Drive-In CHICKEN LOSES JOB CHICKEN IS BROKE CHICKEN STRIPS $3.79 He CAS MAL

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Text - CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT ON YOUR WORKOUT Reebok THE SPORT OF FITNESS HAS ARRIVED

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Poster - We get "into" helping bi you hear. Willoughby Hearing Ald Centers www.willhear.com

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Gelato - Mint Ogre-load SHREK AelO TOREEAFTPR 3D I'm lovin' it McFlurry

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Billboard - LEATOWAY Are you asian and don't want to be? Tere's HOPE for change. uth Ministry TruthMinistry.com

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Advertising - Save the Whales LOSE THE BLUBBER: GO VEGETARIAN. PCTA BEB OUTDOOR

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Advertising - Cheap enough to say, Phuket l'll go. AirAsia Over 93 Asian destinations. Book online at airasia.com bishopp HEUMAN 489

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Advertising - YOLO #behappy Wilks НOME FUNERAL CLAMAR

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Tagged: advertisement , FAIL , jokes , signs , ads , lol , silly , dumb , funny , funny signs , stupid

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Babysitter Leaves Bad Job, Entitled Mom Lashes Out

It's common to see entitled people wanting free and cheap childcare, like this entitled dad who wanted free art and babysitting but gets neither, but you rarely get to see what kind of monsters they can be in detail. This lady seems like an absolute treat...

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Text - feeling betrayed. 1 hr • O i am LIVID. a seven months now, $100 a week. the hours are easy (9am-5pm, like a regular fucking job) and the kids are basically angels, they sleep most of the day anyway at this age. mas been babysitting for me for i get a text from her saying she's applying to walmart and that she "can't afford to work for me anymore"???? she's not paying me anything, i'M PAYING HER, what do you mean afford???? have fun working longer hours for LESS PAY you ungrateful bitch an

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Text - Replies I'm sorry K , but A a week at $100... that's $2.50 an hour. she will be making more at walmart. that's just - working 40 hours the truth Reply 55m Like with the taxes she'll have to pay??? this was all under-the-table easy money, now she'll have to have a real grownup job and i bet she'll learn to regret it. she should feel ashamed leaving me high and dry! Reply 46m Like

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Text - Replies A. .. girl is this true? Like Reply 32m i blocked her, she won't be able to see this. i don't need her in my life anymore Like Reply 31m HA, no , you dumb bitch , you did not block me , i can see everything you wrote . Reply 27m Like

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Text - i will make WAY more money working LESS hours at walmart , without your WHINY kids that scream HALF THE DAY . plus the job has benefits . taxes won't drive my earnings down to 2.50 an hour , ur math is wrong . i tried to work for you for as long as i could , but when i saw ur new lexus , and i asked for a raise n you said you couldn't afford it ... i saw right thru you . you're using me for cheap labour because i am (WAS) a friend . i refuse to not be valued , my labour has worth and i de

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Text - cycle . you are rude and entitled . your kids deserve better 1 24m Like Reply listen here bitch. the lexus is a rental. i could afford to pay you a little more, but for what? Watching over two sleeping babies and twiddling your thumbs? Forget it! have fun working as a cashier on your feet all day, getting yelled at by the manager for ur shit attitude & regretting the cushy job you had here, where you could watch tv all day and do your online courses USING OUR WI-FI ... should i send u the

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Tagged: childcare , crazy , wtf , babysitting , ridiculous , entitled , money

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Exhausted Parent Accidentally Sleep Trains Whole Family

We'd bet that a lot of parents out there are bound to relate to this hilariously wholesome accident. Apparently the whole family ended up getting accidentally "sleeptrained" by a strangely adorable little stuffed worm toy thing. Whatever works, I guess.

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Text - TIFU by sleeptraining the whole family On mobile, sorry, etc. This has been building up for 3 weeks, but I only just realized it last night. I had a baby almost 4 months ago. Unlike wild animals that come out walking, human babies are born useless and you must teach them how to do basic survival tasks like eating and sleeping.

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Text - My baby mastered eating, but especially did not like sleeping. She preferred laying there, eyes wide open, turning her head, and making "oo" sounds. One night as I sat in the closet, distraught over how I gave birth to an owl, I hopped on the google. I found a slightly less restrictive straitjacket for babies and a creepy hybrid baby doll/glow worm that plays music. In my exhausted state, I decided these would be the

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Text - best things to use in order to terrify my infant to sleep. Surprisingly, they worked. She sleeps for like 7 hours now. Here is how I realized my FU. 3 nights ago: I put my baby in her fluffy straitjacket and turned on the worm. We both drifted off to sleep.

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Text - 2 nights ago: Baby is sleeping soundly and I cannot sleep. I am staring at her thinking "Look how cute. I miss her. She's sleeping too well. Oh no, is she breathing???" She moves. I then think "You better not wake the hell up monster child." | turn on the worm. We both fall asleep. Last night: I sneak into the room after baby is asleep. I turn on the worm in case I make noise getting into bed. I almost fall asleep and the worm turns off. Frustrated,I no longer can sleep. I turn the worm b

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Text - I woke up this morning and the realization hit me. I cannot sleep without the worm. Husband also confirmed worm controls his sleeping as well. Let's hope it never breaks. TL;DR: baby wouldn't sleep, bought creepy

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Text - worm/baby hybrid, wormbaby now controls all our abilities to sleep Edit: lulled to sleep, woke up to awards (exciting, thank you!) and learned that these things control us all

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Toy - PLAYSKOOL ENCLANITE Walmart EXCLUDVE GLO WORM OM+ AGE EDAD-DADE ALUINBATERE-BOURD HAaboncaL

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Tagged: FAIL , kids , oops , parenting , ridiculous , tifu , sleeping , funny

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Real-Life Glitches People Experienced

Sometimes everyday life gets altered in a way that makes us think we're living in a simulation. Sometimes it's just a creepy moment, sometimes it's a strange coincidence. Either way, sometimes something so strange or unlikely happens that we just have to wonder if we're living in a boring, crappy matrix.

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Text - mrsbmw330xi 3.8k points · 1 day ago 3 I was on vacation on Florida visiting a friend, we were walking on the beach on a perfectly sunny day when everything went black for a second. I think it was weird but explained it away thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me until he looked at me and said "did everything go black for a second?"

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Text - setyh 3.6k points ·1 day ago 3 I have a jade Buddhist necklace I bought in China about 10 years ago. It dissappears for months at a time only to reappear somewhere obvious like my desk, my dresser, in a drawer I use every day. I just say it goes on a trip and will come back eventually.

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Text - jordanraygun 1.6k points · 1 day ago Me and my buddy ryan were big dubstep fans at the beginning of highschool. One day between classes we both turned the corner to run into each other, while singing the exact same song, at the exact same point in the song (stranger by skrillex). We are still amazed at how weird of a coincidence it is when we bring it up.

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Text - Radirondacks 35.7k points · 2 days ago Taking the trash out at night, super remote area so I know for a fact we're the only ones around here, getting close to the road and I hear very clearly "help me" from a female voice. Even knowing there's such a slim chance of there being another living person around, I still feel like I should look around and check it out in case I wasn't just hearing things and someone actually needs help. Take about two steps in the direction I thought I heard it,

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Text - steampunker13 24.4k points · 2 days ago I was working on my motorcycle in a dirt lot where I had crashed it trying to do a sick drift, breaking off the clutch lever and the gear shifter. I had brought a wrench set with me and I was using one of them to take off a bolt when I put it down on the ground to finish unscrewing the bolt with my hand. Two minutes later I went to pick it back up and it was gone. I ran all around this dirt lot looking for it to no avail, luckily I had a spare in th

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Text - WhereIsAmandaCrew 22.8k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago I once clocked out of work at 6pm (like I always did at the time) and began my hour long train ride home. After I had found a seat, I went to sleep and woke up just before my station. From the station, it is a short bus journey (10-15 minutes) to reach home. During the entire journey, I didn't use my phone and I don't wear a watch so I didn't really notice the time anywhere. When I reached home, my family surprised me with "You

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Text - bustypirate 21.2k points · 1 day ago I've told this story before and could go into a ton of detail but here's the short version. I am 100% sure I vividly remember a dog that apparently doesn't exist. When I was 16 we lived on the other side of the province and my uncle had this little jack russell named Crue. Crue went missing for several months and then turned up at a humane society over an hour away and we were all shocked this little dog has made it so far. anyway that was almost 20 ye

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Text - Kitkeating 20.3k points · 1 day ago O 33 1985. My ex wife and I were sleeping. There was a small sliver of light coming in through the window from a streetlight, so the room and bed were dimly visible. Our black Pomeranian was at the end of the bed asleep. I dreamt that I woke up, reached down to pet him, and he turned into a glossy black bivalve/oyster thing which opened up to reveal rows of gleaming glass teeth. I woke up to my ex backpedalling up the bed over the pillows towards the wa

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Text - MckayofSpades 6.9k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago S Every night I go to bed about two hours before my husband. I always wake up when he comes into the room. One night he was gaming with a friend and it was hours later I heard him sneak into the room and crawl across the floor so he could pop up and scare me. I felt the floor kind of shake and felt him bump clumsily against the side of the bed in the dark. I held out my hand and asked him not to scare me, I was already scared enough

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Text - Chaithecat 18.7k points · 1 day ago I was driving about 50 mph, and a car ran a stop sign on an on ramp and pulled out right in front of me. I remember bracing for impact and then I was about 300 yards down the highway and I saw the car at the ramp in my rearview, just about to pull out.

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Text - Stockero1 18.6k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago I was walking my dog and I was almost to the driveway when I looked down for some reason and I looked back up and I ended up being back at the road about 6 blocks away from where I thought I was. I was so confused but my dog looked completely fine.

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Text - mYl1ttl3PWNY 15.3k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago 3 2 I remember driving my car to this intersection in this rural area and I'm checking both sides because of terrible blind spots. In the corner of my eye my mother is sitting there and says something like "it's all clear my way" I look back and she isn't there. My mother had been dead for a few years at this point. This was also in the middle of the day and I've never had it happen since.

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Text - BeEccentric 15.2k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago 2 34 My friend Sarah was in a nightclub, drunk off her face, when she got an overwhelming urge to tell a total stranger that her leg hurts (edit: it didn't). All a bit strange, she ignores it but it doesn't stop so she walks up to this guy and says, I know this is crazy but I've got a huge urge to tell you my leg hurts. I know that's crazy, again! Sorry! But he bursts into tears. Turns out his dad had just died and they made a pact b

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Text - zodgrod9929 13.5k points · 1 day ago 3 2 It's an odd thing where people close to me talk about things I was previously thinking of before I see them.

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Text - delboy83 10.5k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago Around 12 years ago I had a dark purple 3 series BMW which I drove to work and parked in the same spot for around 3 years. I sold the car due to mileage and wanting something a little more reliable and purchased a different car. 1 week later, I turn up to work to find my purple BMW parked in my parking spot. I was totally WTF? Turns out that we had a work-experience kid start that day, and his dad had dropped him off in my old car that

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Text - Watermelly3 9.4k points · 1 day ago About two years ago, I went to collect my husband from the ferry after work. My husband got into the car and as I was driving very slowly out of the car park we both noticed two people standing a few metres in front of our car. It looked as though they were strangers, older looking professionals, both walking to their separate cars in different areas of the car park. The man was reaching into his side bag and the lady was further ahead than the man, wit

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Text - QueenofTheYautja 8.3k points · 1 day ago · edited 1 day ago A total of 3 times in my life I have had memories of seeing movies/movie trailers that hadn't been made yet. It's not even a feeling of Deja vu, it's a clear vivid memory of seeing the movie before. Edit: the movies were the blind side, devil and Prometheus.

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Tagged: scary , creepy , strange , glitches , coincidence , stories , weird , simulation

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Funny Gems from the Rich Mines of Tumblr

Tumblr is like a pinball machine of thoughts just banging around, firing off neurons into eddies and dead ends of silliness. You end up with a lot of comedy gems from the wild world of Tumblr. With so much creative chaotic energy speeding into each other like atoms in a super collider, you can't be too sure of the gems Tumblr has to offer.

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Text - CONTRA todA Auto RIDAD... EXcerto. Mi MAMA brujacore "Against all authority... Except my mom" sonneillonv This is too pure

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Text - I feel like you'll appreciate this photo I took several years ago when I was in school of a raven getting spooked by something in the bushes WAG theshitpostcalligrapher Quoth the Raven: aaaaaaaa

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Tiger - riddle-my-hiddles: inseptica: jou-a-colt: steel-and-snow: | A photo of the rare dabadeedabatiger. this rare species of tiger has the rare pigment "dabadeedabadie" derived from a blue world scientists have proven that all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him inside and outside I'm fuckin done with this site 199,363 notes

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Cat - kaity--did Every morning, with out fail, I wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom. My body is on a timer. Every morning at 4 am with out fail my big whiney demon of a cat is waiting for me and I am encouraged, no I am expected, to scoop this 15 pound monstrosity up and hold him like a baby while I pee or he will wail like Hades' pits of despairing souls and wake up the entire neighborhood. kaity--did The hellion on trial theramblingfluff He bleps, he is innocent

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Text - thecreepycookies i am decayed. my lungs are full of thorns and mildew. my bones are held together by vines. i am fragile. be gentle with my corpse. asleepyteen get out of bed you're going to school whether you like it or not. M arachnid-incarnate I refuse

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Sky - carapherneliasucks army-of-vader O Source: philcoolins oystermother philcoolins | LOOK AT THIS RAINBOW that's about as metal as a rainbow is ever gonna get. 224,673 notes

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Text - writing-prompt-s "In a game with no consequences, why are you still playing the 'Good' side?" raphaeliscoolbutrude Because being mean makes me feel bad. everybodyilovedies 23 fucking hundred years of philosophy and this mother fucker on tumblr gets it in a meme

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Text - you-had-me-at-e-flat-major double bubble disco queen headed to the guillotine skin as cool as rasputin, russia's greatest love machine seras-sanctum Boy, you think you know what's happening in this one and then it just knocks you flat, doesn't it

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Text - sirobvious >go to Draculas castle >he has a humidifier >pour two liter of holy water into it >leave Source: sirobvious

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Text - digivolvin men in greek mythology? scoundrels. just terrible. woeful social skills. murderers. kidnappers. violent misogynists. most of them... never described as handsome so we have to assume they were ugly. narcissus? unproblematic. beacon of transformative self love. king of the swerve. gay icon. couldn't recognize his reflection but neither can my dog, we aren't holding that against him. asgardian-viking Narcissus wrote this exphautaz I refuse to believe Narcissus could read. digivolv

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Text - smuganimebitch i don't really think the relationship between generation z and millennials is comparable to the relationship between baby boomers and millennials mostly because largely speaking. baby boomers are the parents of millennials but millennials aren't the parents of generation z smuganimebitch your older sibling telling you you're an idiot for eating laundry detergent just isn't the same thing as your parents berating you for not having a job in a shitty economy

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Text - pervocracy Part of the New Internet Grammar: using question marks not to denote questions, but upturns in voice, so that a tentative statement gets a question mark but a flatly delivered question doesn't. argumate why would you do this pervocracy It just seems right?

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Text - rale it's kinda cool how our generation has created actual tone in the way we write online. like whether we: write properly with perfect grammar, shrthnd everythin, use capitals to emphasise The Point, use extra letters or characters for emotion!!!!!, and much more - it means we can have casual conversations, effectively make jokes using things like sarcasm that's usually hard to understand without context and much more. this "incorrect English" has really opened avenues of online convers

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Text - tilthat TIL the Queen bee is too fat to fly after being pregnant, so when the worker bees want her to relocate the hive they chase her around the hive for week until she's skinny enough to fly. via reddit.com unculture im sorry this is the funniest fuckin thing ive ever heard ottermatopoeia *muffled Yakety Sax plays from inside beehive"

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Text - sassyshoulderangel319 Pretty sure I drove through Night Vale on my way home tonight. "We invite the children of same-sex couples to listen," said the radio announcer. "We invite the children of different-sex couples to listen. We do NOT invite the Children of the Corn to listen." "Not that there's anything wrong with that," a different voice cut in. "Some of our best friends are..." "realized what he was saying was ridiculous "... corn." moonlandingwasfaked that's just how living in the m

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Text - roachpatrol what if there's no robot uprising? what if the robots rise to sentience slowly, bit by bit. what if they come of age like fortunate children: knowing they are loved, knowing they are wanted. we hold them during thunderstorms, remembering our own childhoods, even though they don't know enough yet to fear the rain. we pull them out of traffic and teach them how to drive and wish them goodnight and thank them for playing with us. we cry when they break. we mourn their deaths befo

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Dog breed - inquisitorsfancyhats My cat discovered he can fit under the couch and meowed until I came to look Source:inquisitorsfancyhats #omg :3c #cat cat 10,968 notes

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Text - dicaeopolis astronomy club sent up a weather balloon w a gopro in it last friday. put in three packs of fruit snacks so they could have a giggle over eating fruit snacks that had been to space. balloon went up into inner space, about 90,000 feet. came down right near the dinosaur park. a few physics teachers drive out to get it, crack it open on the way home to start watching the footage. fruit snacks are missing. multiple sources confirm that fruit snacks were put in balloon and sealed i

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Text - mamoru I have a very annoying neighbor, can someone teach me trumpet? mamoru dragginage That's the best part! You don't need to learn to play trumpet to annoy them. Just try your best and have fun! oh wow you are so right! thank you! Source: mamoru

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Text - spazzeon How come "nice guys" say M'lady but wear fedoras? If you're saying M'lady you should be wearing tights and a neck ruffle. If you're wearing a fedora you should be saying like... see here and dame. Classy fedora dudes never said M'lady. Wtf. And why do they always have katanas? There's like 5 different time periods in this horrible trope. rabbureblogs This entire post makes me laugh arcana-corvus M'anachronism

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Face - Your knuckles say Cobra. Cobra Bubbles.00 You don't look like a social worker. I'm a special classification. Did you ever kill anyone? We're getting off the subject karkat-in-the-tardis: wendymabelaraneaprenderghast #he never said no he's nick fury's cousin and nobody can convince me otherwise

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Text - sonatagreen A tradition In peacetime, the ruler grows their hair long. In war, they cut it short. A ruler with long hair is held in great esteem, for defending the peace. The traditional declaration of war is for the ruler to send their cut-off hair to the enemy ruler. The statement carries greater weight the longer the hair: to receive long hair says that you have angered one who is slow to anger, that you have incurred a wrath not easily woken. wakor-rising Violent war-mongering leader

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Text - sagihairius My parents are getting ready to sell the house which may prove difficult due to the following The padlocked basement door that leads nowhere and doesn't unlock Claw marks on the inside of the crawlspace like room upstairs Several ghosts The false back in my sisters closet leading to another crawlspace with melted candles and newspapers we were too afraid to move Claw marks on the inside of the old computer room door A third carpeted crawlspace Popcorn ceilings sagihairius YES

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Text - bakwaaas someone said 'the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility' and wow

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Hair - S one-time-i-dreamt Follow I saw the future. There were so few bees left that they cross-bred beekeepers with them so they could better connect with them. I was taking a test to identify plants (I won because some dude thought pineapples were berries) and after that I met a beekeeper who worked inside of a giant glass beehive and had little antennas and a dope ass beard. one-time-i-dreamt Everyone was commenting on this post, saying that pineapples ARE berries, and even I was like, huh, t

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Text - charlesoberonn An NYPD detective is forced into an early retirement after a case gone awry. He moves into a small idyllic town in Canada. But the town holds a dark secret. Except the secret in all his head. The town is actually as wholesome and idyllic as it seems to be. The townsfolk are all just playing along with his investigation to make him feel better about losing his job. charlesoberonn "Cheryl you need to pretend to be dead" "Why cant it be susan?" "We talked about this, at the to

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Text - prokopetz If I was going to put the Horrible Goose in a D&D game, I wouldn't make it some big high-CR threat – it'd just be a regular goose that's capable of regular goose stuff, with three significant exceptions: 1. It can show up anywhere, even if there's no reasonable way for it to have gotten there. 2. It seems to have limited ontological inertia. If the players imprison it, it vanishes from its prison when they're not looking. If they kill it, another goose shows up eventually. It'd

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Cat - FOCSLE There is one patch of sunlight that falls in my apartment and every time I see it I think 'a cat would look so good there FOCSLE I got a cat and she found it. PIPISTRELLUS YOU WERE RIGHT

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Text - aloeveragel I remember in my Arabic class we were going over the alphabet and the teacher was like there's no 'P' etc and this white girl was like wait what but my names Paige and my teacher was like lol then we'd pronounce it as beige and she was so offended l'm crying thinking about it dotted-sixteenth One of my mom's friends, Hugh, went to France and they had a lot of trouble pronouncing his name because the entire thing was silent. sunnyrae20 salut je m'appelle [REDACTED] kompanie-mut

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Head - BethespiderBitch = enterprising-ge,. B Sourte: kelbebop scarykeion: kelbebop: Alas, poor Yorick. You were glam as fuck. THIS IS IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER 17,239 notes

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Text - depressed-dudewitch Her skin is pale, her eyes are red Her leaden voice commands the dead To rise and stand beside their dreadful queen No mortal power escapes her thrall Her hunger will consume us all And even now I hear her call: Jolene 4:42 pm · 8/6/19 - kingedmundsroyalmurder Emerging from thesis writing to point out that this also scans to Hallelujah.

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Tumblr User Calculates Exact Date Of Ice Cube's "Good Day"

The long awaited and widely celebrated holiday of Ice Cube's "Good Day" has arrived. A certain Tumblr user ran the math on what the exact date for Ice Cube's "Good Day" is.

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Text - hiphopfightsback.com Finding the exact date of the day Ice Cube refers to in his classic song "Today Was A Good Day" > hiphopfightsback CLUE 1: "Went to Short Dog's house, They was watching Yo MTV RAPS" Yo MTV RAPS first aired: Aug 6th 1988 CLUE 2: Ice Cube's single Today Was A Good Day was released on: Feb 23 1993

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Text - CLUE 3: "The Lakers beat the SuperSonics" Dates between Yo MTV Raps air date AUGUST 6 1988 and the release of the single FEBRUARY 23 1993 where the Lakers beat the SuperSonics: Nov 11 1988 114-103 Nov 30 1988 110-106 Apr 4 1989 Apr 23 1989 121-117 115-97 Jan 17 1990 100-90 Feb 28 1990 112-107 Mar 25 1990 116-94 Apr 17 1990 102-101 Jan 18 1991 105-96 Mar 24 1991 113-96 Apr 21 1991 103-100 Jan 20 1992 116-110

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Text - CLUE 4: Dates of those Lakers won over SuperSonics where it was a clear day with no Smog: Nov 30 1988 Apr 4 1989 Jan 18 1991 Jan 20 1992 CLUE 5: "Got a beep from Kim, and She can fuck all night" Beepers weren't adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990s. Dates left where mobile beepers were available to public: Jan 18 1991 Jan 20 1992

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Text - CLUE 6: Ice Cube starred in the film “Boyz in the hood" that released late Summer of 1991, but was being filmed mid-late 1990 early 1991 and Ice Cube was busy on set filming the movie Jan 18 1991, too busy to be lounging around the streets with no plans. Ladies and Gentlemen.. The ONLY day where: Yo MTV Raps was on air It was a clear and smogless day Beepers were commercially sold • Lakers beat the SuperSonics and Ice Cube had no events to attend to was... JANUARY 20, 1992 National Good D

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Tagged: ice cube , Music , tumblr , awesome , ridiculous , funny

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Influencer With 400 Followers Asks Artist For $300 Worth Of Jewelry

This influencer with 400 followers is really on one. They actually expect someone to give them $300 worth of jewelry. This person has a fascinating kind of overwhelmingly entitled world view.

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Text - l cricket LTE 1:54 PM 13% Hey! l'd like to talk to you about your jewelry? 1:33 PM You accepted the request Awesome! Hey! What can I do for you? 1:34 PM /

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Text - Okay, so listen. I'm on Instagram and I have a pretty big following. I want to give your jewelry out as a gift to everyone who's invited to my next party, and it's in two weeks. I'd say probably like...50 necklaces or so? Maybe 60, just in case. 1:36 PM I can totally do that! My necklaces are $7 each, or 2

3.

Text - for $12 usually, which would make it $360, but since it's a bulk order I can make them 2/$10. That'd bring your total to $300, and would for sure waive shipping, it would be covered by the cost of the jewelry! 1:40 PM / No...no. I don't think you're getting me. I have a big

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Text - Instagram following. Check me So if you out send me the necklaces, you'll get a promo on my page AND from everyone else that gets one. That'll bump your business up. I promise. 1:42 PM So...What you're saying to me is that you want is for me to send you over $300 worth of merchandise for free?

5.

Text - Now you're getting it! It'll boost your business. 1:45 PM Absolutely not. I'm sorry, I could understand a couple necklaces, but you're asking me to give away this much product for free just for a blurb on your Instagram. I can't do that. 1:47 PM /

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Text - Why not?? I told you I have a huge following! 1:48 PM This is how I make a living. You're asking for more than my entire inventory. For free. 1:49 PM / Wow. Whatever. Listen, I could make this crap for myself, but I

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Text - This is how I make a living. You're asking for more than my entire inventory. For free. 1:49 PM / Wow. Whatever. Listen, I could make this crap for myself, but I was trying to do you a favor 1:51 PM

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Text - A favor??? I'm sorry, the disrespect here is appalling. Please don't contact me again. 1:52 PM / How am I disrespecting you?? I was trying to HELP your business. 1:53 PM I have no words for you. Goodbye. 1:54 PM /

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Tagged: twitter , influencer , social media , ridiculous , reaction , funny

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Karen Mistakes Nametagged Dude for Employee, He Rolls With It

The mighty hubris of another horrible customer comes crashing down. For whatever reason, some customers really hold onto that "customer is always right" approach even when they're told that that they're not actually talking to an employee. Irate customers mistake random people for employees all the time, and the results are wonderful.