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Thrillist Los Angeles
Monday March 30, 2009
How To Beat Up Anything
In the heart of every man lies a singular question: if it
came down to it, whose ass could he kick? Clearly Woody
Allen, but who else? Make the answer "all the asses", with
How To Beat Up Anything.
From a Comedy Central-featured standup/Taekwondo yellow
belt, HTBUA provides in-depth breakdowns of how best to
defeat an expansive cross-section of foes, from superheroes,
to "Beloved Actor Tom Hanks", to "the common cold" -- a
battle that unfortunately contains nary a bite of matzo ball
soup. Some other victims:
An Alligator: "Tools Needed: standard automobile jack,
can-do attitude, nerves of whatever is harder than steel,
or, if necessary, steel".
Michael Phelps: He recommends fighting everyone's favorite
bong-toter on dry land, because "he can control dolphins
(according to legend, he high-fives them)".
Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi: He actually claims
that matchup's too in favor of the Jedi. In order to win,
"stick with the cry-baby farmboy Luke from Star Wars. That
guy is pure wuss. Hanging out with androids and
'bullseye-ing womp rats in your T-16 back home' only
prepares you for one thing. Taking a Death Star-sized
beating you don't recover from".
A new enemy gets added every couple weeks, with a T.
Rex/Mark Wahlberg tag-team as the most recent entry. Another
highlight: a beat-down of Oscar-nominated singer/Freddie
Roach-trained boxer Aimee Mann (seriously!), with a rebuttal
penned by the songstress -- who claims she'd win in a
punch-to-punch bout, and is obviously in denial that the
best way to kick her ass is to just be Phil Collins.
Kick Batman's ass at http://themove.thrillist.com/link.php?M=2181171&N=55734&C=25f0fb7663659a52572fbc99fe5fd818&L=35241
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