Neatorama

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• The Secrets Behind Popular Circus Acts
• Royal House Haikyo
• Cookie Monster Auditions for SNL
• The Importance of Punctuation
• Not Your Typical Wooden Blocks
• Pneumatically-Launched Grappling Hook
• Ballerina Puppet Dances in a New York City Subway Terminal
• Man Plans to Travel 200 Miles in Solar-Powered Wheelchair
• The First Vending Machine Was Made 2,000 Years Ago
• How Does a Coffeemaker Work?
• Robot Built from Scrap Still Works after 45 Years in Storage
• Mood Disorders in Fish
• Stealing a Sheep from a Moving Truck
• Justin Mitchell's Unusual Dice
• 1,200 Toy Cars Circulating on a Tiny Freeway System
• The Universe is Flipping Us Off
• Early Adopters Through History
• Where's That Bone?
• R2B2: The Pedal-powered Kitchen
• Cooking My Mother's Gravy
• Neato-Puzzle #7
• NGM Photo Contest
• Turkey Farm Humor
• The Taxonomy of Barney

The Secrets Behind Popular Circus Acts Posted: 24 Nov 2010 05:03 AM PST Now that the animals are gone from most of the traveling circuses, the majority of the entertainment comes from professional entertainers who demonstrate extraordinary talents. While I don't recommend running into your backyard and trying to do any of these techniques on your own (most of them are still pretty dangerous), it is interesting to learn just how some of these performances are achieved. If you do think one of these tricks sounds like something you'd like to do, there are plenty of circus and performance schools that will happy to teach you how to safely perfect these skills under the watchful eye of a professional. Fire Breathing While fire breathing is something that can be learned relatively easy, it is still a very difficult skill to master and exceptionally dangerous for both the audience members and the performer. When things do go wrong, the mistakes can often be deadly. That's why most amateur fire breathers start practicing with water long before they ever pick up flammable materials. The basic concept of fire breathing is simple: spray fuel from your mouth over a hand held flame. The difficulty comes in the perfection of the spraying. If you don't spray the fuel into a fine enough mist, the fire will fall to the ground and burn. If the spray is too low, it can hit the audience or performer. A high spray can shoot back down and hit the performer. When the wind starts getting in the way, things can become even more complex. Trees, stage implements and audience members can prevent further challenges. Even without the fire hazard, many performers get sick by accidentally ingesting the kerosene before or after their acts. If you are interested in seeing how good you might be at fire breathing, you can always practice spraying fine mists of water at a 60-80 angle, but if you think you're getting pretty good, work with a professional before switching to gas. For more info on the act, check out this article. Image via jeffbalke [Flickr] Sword Swallowing If you have a low gag reflex, you're already halfway on your way to swallowing swords, but there's a lot more to it than loosening up your throat. Sword swallowing requires the performer to take a straight, hard piece of metal into the curved, soft tissue of the GI tract, all the way into the stomach. While swords used for these performances are not sharp, they are still likely to puncture and scrape the delicate tissue in the GI tract when not swallowed just right. Like fire breathing, this circus act may be a very basic trick, but it can quickly turn deadly when performed incorrectly. Sword swallowing requires a lot of practice, not only to work through the dangers, but also to train your body to ignore its natural impulses and succumb to involuntary movements ordinarily used while eating. The gag reflex is the first thing you will need to overcome, but as you start swallowing longer objects, you will need to prevent your upper esophageal sphincter from contracting like it does when you eat. Ordinarily, this is a good reflex as it encourages food to enter your stomach faster…when you have a 15 inch sword stuck in your GI tract though, this is not something you want to happen. Depending on how long the sword is, you may even have to train your lower esophageal sphincter not to contract as well, as many swords actually enter the stomach cavity. Keep in mind that you not only have to control all of these inner workings of your body, but you also have to look completely comfortable while doing so. Like fire breathing, this is something that you should only undertake with the help of a professional trainer at your side. If you do decide to go for it though, you'll start with short daggers and work your way up. But keep in mind that according to the Sword Swallowers Association, you're not actually a sword swallower until you can swallow something at least 15 inches. For more information on the risks and challenges of sword swallowing, read this article. Image via Thairms [Flickr] Walking On Glass If you don't have the dedication to invest years into learning how to breathe fire or swallow swords, glass walking is something you can learn in a surprisingly short amount of time…especially if you cheat. If you just want to psyche out your friends and family, you can always buy sugar glass (the same stuff they use in place of breaking glass for Hollywood movies) and walk along that, but be aware that it can still be kind of sharp sometimes and certain types may leave powdery or syrupy residue that can ruin your trick. Most sideshow performers do use real glass though and still avoid getting hurt (although many still get minor cuts). The trick is to know how to set up your glass in order to minimize serious risk. Most performers use broken wine bottles because the gentle curves reduce the number of jagged edges. Secondly, the bed of glass is usually pretty thick, which allows the glass more room to shift underfoot and this allows the smallest, most dangerous pieces of glass to fall to the bottom the pile. Once the set up is complete, the glass walkers usually take slow steps that allow the glass to settle before they put full pressure on it. If they do start to step on a sharp point, they reposition their foot to prevent getting injured. For more tips, check out this article. Image via stevendepolo [Flickr] Coal Walking This trick is all about the preparation. The fire must burn way ahead of time so the heat is relatively low by the time the act is ready to go. Ash is then sprinkled on the pit to prevent the walker from stepping directly onto a burning coal. That's all it takes to prep, then it's just up to the performer to walk briskly (but never run) across the coals –long enough to build dramatic effect, but fast enough to prevent the heat from the burning center of the coals to transfer into the walker's skin. If you ever end up at one of those corporate retreats where they ask you to prove your faith by walking on the coals, now you know how. For more science behind the trick, read this article. Image via auweia [Flickr] Bed of Nails Laying on a bed of nails is like walking on glass or coals, with a little knowledge and the right preparation, just about anyone can do it. Since you Neatoramanauts are pretty smart cookies, I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail explaining that when your entire body is spread out on nails that are arranged closely together, the weight is distributed so there is little pressure on any given area. The most difficult part of this act is actually getting on and off the bed. Never use your hand to steady yourself or you will likely put too much pressure on the area and break the skin. Instead, squat over the edge of the bed of nails and then sit down gently, then slowly turn, lift your legs and lay down flat. Be careful to not press your head down too hard on the nails. Get more tips and details here. If you're interested in doing this trick, it is one most people can pick up, so you'll just need to build your own bed of nails. Instructions can be found here. Image via dolmansaxlil [Flickr] So now that you know the means for these tricks, are any of you hoping to run away and join the circus now?

Royal House Haikyo Posted: 24 Nov 2010 04:37 AM PST Haikyo is a Japanese word for abandoned ruins. Michael Gakuran explored an abandoned home in Japan some call the Royal House, possibly because among the contents are pre-war portraits of the Japanese Emperor and the Royal family. In pre-WWII Japan, the Emperor was still revered as a living deity and to look upon him was thought of as an immense privilege. Distribution of the Imperial Family Portraits was not compulsory and schools had to petition to the Ministry in order to receive one, which was usually granted on grounds of academic excellence. Because the official portraits were on loan from the Imperial Household Ministry, protecting the picture from harm was deemed of utmost importance. Having the picture lost or damaged, even from natural disasters like fires or earthquakes, was seen as such a serious failure of duty that there were incidents of school officials committing suicide in an act of repentance. There are plenty of pictures of the house and contents, but Gakuran has many more photographs he did not publish because of the fine line between documenting history and invading the former occupant’s privacy. Link -via Metafilter

Cookie Monster Auditions for SNL Posted: 24 Nov 2010 04:33 AM PST (YouTube link) Cookie Monster wants to branch out beyond his “cookie-eating career” and host Saturday Night Live. Here he recreates some familiar elements of the show and still manages to eat some cookies along the way. Do you think he has what it takes? You can show your support at his Facebook page. Link -via Breakfast Links

The Importance of Punctuation Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:22 PM PST YouTube link. A recent post about a newscaster’s gaffe prompted me to seek out this classic clip.  It was first posted on YouTube almost five years ago, but is worth viewing as an example of the importance of punctuation – specifically, that a period should signify a full stop. The text as it was written for the newscaster: "Good evening, I'm Ken Bastida; Dana is off tonight. He was murdered and set on fire while celebrating his birthday. The body of Jimmy Frezshi was found by firefighters on Monroe Street…” The result as it was read off the teleprompter: "Good evening, I'm Ken Bastida. Dana is off tonight; he was murdered and set on fire while celebrating his birthday. The body of Jimmy Frezshi was found by firefighters on Monroe Street…”

Not Your Typical Wooden Blocks Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:11 PM PST XYZ Blocks -  $29.95 If you think playing with your kids is boring maybe you just need to invest in cooler toys. Check out the XYZ blocks now available at the NeatoShop.  These are not your grandma’s wooden blocks. XYZ block’s because sometimes you need a modern take on a classic toy.

Pneumatically-Launched Grappling Hook Posted: 23 Nov 2010 05:19 PM PST Defense contractor Battelle has developed an improved pneumatically-launched grappling hook. From a press release: The Tactical Air Initiated Launch (TAIL) system is used to launch a titanium grappling hook towing a Kevlar line for use in Visit Board Search and Seizure (VBSS) operations. It also can be used for fire rescue operations, life vest deployment, or other activities. The TAIL system, using compressed air to launch the hook, can clear an obstacle up to 100 feet high and up to 60 feet away. "The TAIL system lets the user fire a grappling hook without the noise, explosives, or safety issues of powder-driven units," said Jim LaBine, the TAIL system designer. "That's important for special operations but the system is adaptable and can be used in many applications." Link via Technabob | Photo: Battelle

Ballerina Puppet Dances in a New York City Subway Terminal Posted: 23 Nov 2010 01:43 PM PST (Video Link) This video shows two performers spotted a few times in subway terminals in New York City. The man plays an accordion while the woman puts on a puppet show. Her puppet appears to be a plastic bag shaped into a ballerina. She controls it with her hands and her toes. via Urlesque (where there’s another video)

Man Plans to Travel 200 Miles in Solar-Powered Wheelchair Posted: 23 Nov 2010 01:36 PM PST Haidar Taleb, a man from the United Arab Emirates, plans to travel 200 miles across a desert in a solar-powered wheelchair that he designed and built himself. If he succeeds, it’ll be the longest continuous distance ever traveled by wheelchair: “I want to send out a message to disabled people that there are no obstructions. Whatever you think about, you can do,” he says. “Give disabled people a chance and they can perform miracles.” Along the 200 mile trip across all seven emirates, Haidar plans to stop at schools, universities, and centers for the disabled to share his inspiring message, reports Gulf News. And, by the time his ambitious trek is completed on December 2, he will have broken the record for distance traveled in a solar-powered wheelchair — a record he set himself just two weeks ago. Link via Popular Science | Photo: The National

The First Vending Machine Was Made 2,000 Years Ago Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:56 AM PST Hero of Alexandria (10-70 CE) was a Greek engineer and mathematician who lived in Roman-ruled Egypt. He invented many gadgets and wrote at length about them. In his book Pneumatics, he described an early vending machine. It dispensed holy water only when a coin was inserted. Here’s a selection from an English translation of the book: If into certain sacrificial vessels a coin of five drachms be thrown, water shall flow out and surround them. Let A B C D (fig. 21) be a sacrificial vessel or treasure chest, having an opening in its mouth, A; and in the chest let there be a vessel, F G H K, containing water, and a small box, L, from which a pipe, L M, conducts out of the chest. Near the vessel place a vertical rod, N X, about which a lever, O P, widening at O into the plate R parallel into the bottom of the vessel, while at the extremity P is suspended a lid, s, which fits into the box L, so that no water can flow through the tube L M: this lid, however, must be heavier than the plate R, but lighter than the plate and coin combined. When the coin is thrown through the mouth A, it will fall upon the plate R and, preponderating, it will turn the beam O P, and raise the lid of the box so that water will flow; but if the coin falls off, the lid will descend and close the box so that the discharge ceases. (37) Link via The Adventures of Roberta X | Image: Bennet Woodcroft Previously: Strange and Wonderful Vending Machines

How Does a Coffeemaker Work? Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:24 AM PST (Video Link) The common coffeemaker is a simple but brilliant piece of technology. How does it work? Bill Hammack, who explains engineering principles in a way that laypeople can understand them, tells us in this video. The coffeemaker is able to heat both water and brewed coffee with with only one heating element using a bubble pump. If I understand Hammack correctly, it has only one moving part. Official Website via Make

Robot Built from Scrap Still Works after 45 Years in Storage Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:14 AM PST In 1950, Tony Sale was 19 years old and serving in the British Royal Air Force. He built a human-sized robot out of scrap metal from a crashed Wellington bomber. Sale named the robot George and got quite a bit of press attention at the time. George was used for several years and then put in storage for the next 45. Sale, now 79, recently decided to see if George would still work: ‘I dug him out of the garage where he had been standing for 45 years,’ he said. ‘I had a fair bit of confidence he would work again and luckily I was right. ‘I put some oil on the bearings and added a couple of new lithium batteries in his legs, switched him on and away he went. It was a lovely moment.’ Mr Sale has always been interested in mechanics and built his first 'George' using Meccano when he was just 12 years old. The instructions for making the robot were in the Meccano manual and it could walk at a steady pace by shuffling its feet. In 1945 Mr Sale made a second George the robot and three years later at the age of 17 he improved it by making it bigger and controlling it by radio. Link via Gizmodo | Photo: Geoff Robinson/Daily mail

Mood Disorders in Fish Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:02 AM PST University of California neurobiologist Herwig Baier thinks that fish — or at least one species of fish — may be able to suffer from mood disorders. He examined zebrafish that became inactive and listless when isolated from other fish: Baier looked at the genetic mutations in the “frozen” fish and found one in the glucocorticoid receptor, a protein that is found in almost every cell and that senses cortisol–a hormone involved in the stress response. In the normal response to a stressful situation, the hypothalamus in the brain sends corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) to the pituitary gland, which releases adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) to the adrenal gland. The adrenal gland in turn produces cortisol. Cortisol then effectively reduces levels of ACTH and CRH, completing the normal response that allows both humans and zebrafish to deal with stress. In the frozen fish, however, Baier found that levels of all three hormones–CRH, ACTH and cortisol–were higher than normal. He guessed that the animals were unable to respond properly to chronic stress–a problem that is known to trigger anxiety or depression in humans. On the basis of that diagnosis, he started putting the antidepressant fluoxetine (originally marketed as Prozac) in their water. After four days, they started swimming around normally. Other antidepressants and anxiolytics–drugs used to treat anxiety–also worked as a pick-me-up, he says. “There’s a long literature on chronic stress being related to depression, but the causal link is unknown,” says Baier. “Now we might be able to simulate this in fish and study it.” Other researchers suggest that Baier’s findings may lead to the use of zebrafish to screen pharmaceuticals developed for humans. Link | Photo: NIH

Stealing a Sheep from a Moving Truck Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:53 AM PST (Video Link) This video shows a man in Turkey jumping out of a motorcycle’s sidecar and onto a moving truck. He steals one of the sheep in the back. What do you think: real or staged? via Nerdcore

Justin Mitchell's Unusual Dice Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:47 AM PST Justin Mitchell has cataloged his dice collection and put photos of them online. Some of them are quite unusual, either made of uncommon materials or offering unconventional ranges. Pictured above is a 36-sided die. Link via Boing Boing

1,200 Toy Cars Circulating on a Tiny Freeway System Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:38 AM PST (Video Link) Artist Chris Burden built “Metropolis II”, a representation of road traffic in Los Angeles. It shows 1,200 toy cars moving along 18 lanes: Two years ago he created a 65-foot Erector Set skyscraper that stood in Rockefeller Center, and in 2004 he made "Metropolis I," composed of 80 Hot Wheels toy cars zooming around two single-lane highways along with monorail trains chugging on tracks of their own. The piece was snapped up by the 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art in Kanazawa, Japan. "I was happy with 'Metropolis I,' but it kind of disappeared once it went to western Japan," Mr. Burden said in a telephone interview from his studio in Topanga Canyon in Los Angeles County. So in 2006 he and a team of eight studio assistants, including an engineer, began "Metropolis II," a far more ambitious version. It includes 1,200 custom-designed cars and 18 lanes; 13 toy trains and tracks; and, dotting the landscape, buildings made of wood block, tiles, Legos and Lincoln Logs. The crew is still at work on the installation. In “Metropolis II,” by his calculation, "every hour 100,000 cars circulate through the city," Mr. Burden said. "It has an audio quality to it. When you have 1,200 cars circulating it mimics a real freeway. It's quite intense." Link via DVICE

The Universe is Flipping Us Off Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:28 AM PST This is a cloud that has broken off the Carina Nebula. It’s about 8,000 light years away and has a nasty attitude. Or did, at least 8,000 years ago. Did we do something offensive at the time? Link via Geekologie | Photo: NASA

Early Adopters Through History Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:20 AM PST (Video Link) Animator Dan Meth, whose work we’ve previously featured, made this cartoon about people who resist buying the latest technological wonders, like iPads and spears. “What — this? Oh, it’s my bone. It makes hunting for food way easier. You should get one.” Dan Meth’s Website

Where's That Bone? Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:47 AM PST It sounds like something the dog says when he’s trying to recall where he buried it! No, it’s today’s Lunchtime Quiz at mental_floss. How much do you remember about the bones of the human body? In this quiz, you’ll be given the names of nine bones, and you match them to the part of the body they are from. I scored 100%! Link

R2B2: The Pedal-powered Kitchen Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:34 AM PST German designer Christoph Thetard designed a versatile kitchen appliance that uses no electricity, because it’s powered by the chef’s foot! The R2B2 has three attachments: a chopper, blender, and grinder that all connect to a rotary gear powered by a flywheel contained in the cabinet. Bonus -running the machine with your foot also burns calories! Link -via Mother Nature Network

Cooking My Mother's Gravy Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:00 AM PST The editors of Slate asked their readers how Thanksgiving cooking traditions get passed from one generation to the next. They collected stories and posted them. It seems that in many families, the one who cooks every year has a hard time giving that position up to anyone else. Some even refuse help from those who should be learning how to do it. My mom doesn’t accept much help in the kitchen, holidays or Mondays—not because she doesn’t trust others to get it right, but because she just doesn’t know how to slow down. Never did. And accept help? She’s as likely to do that as she is to ask for it; i.e., not at all. She reminds me of the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, who systematically gets his appendages hacked off in battle but still won’t call it a day. Make no mistake, having grown up as one of five girls in an inner-city, working-class home, I’m no stranger to hard work. But there was never a time when we did more work than she did. Ever. Even at 83, I’m not sure it’s even possible to outwork my mom. As she’s aged, all we can manage is guerrilla warfare. My mother and grandmother helped me learn the family recipes as soon as I was old enough to be interested, and I’ve been hosting the family feast for quite a few years now. Now if I could only get my children interested… How about your family? Link

Neato-Puzzle #7 Posted: 23 Nov 2010 07:31 AM PST It’s Tuesday and you know what that means! Another puzzle from our pals at Conceptis Puzzles! Yes, every Tuesday, we’ll be offering a different logic puzzle, today featuring a 9×9 Pic-A-Pix puzzle. Each puzzle consists of a blank grid with clues on the left of every row and on the top of every column. The object is to reveal a hidden picture by painting blocks in each row and column so their length and sequence corresponds to the clues, and there is at least one empty square between adjacent blocks.Click here to play!

NGM Photo Contest Posted: 23 Nov 2010 07:20 AM PST You can enter a picture in National Geographic’s annual photo contest until November 30th, but the competition is stiff. See 47 of the most awesome entries so far presented in large size on one page at The Big Picture blog. Link -via Fark (Image credit: Jay Fine)

Turkey Farm Humor Posted: 23 Nov 2010 07:17 AM PST (YouTube link) Many people compared this reaction to a television laugh track. My children, who obviously haven’t watched enough BBC TV, asked why anyone would eat Brussells sprouts and Christmas crackers for a holiday meal. -via Boing Boing

The Taxonomy of Barney Posted: 23 Nov 2010 05:42 AM PST (Image credit: Flickr user Karen Mae Farro) Evidence of Convergence in Hominid Evolution by Edward C. Theriot, Academy of Natural Sciences, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Arthur E. Bogan, Freshwater Molluscan Research, Sewell, New Jersey Earle E. Spamer, Academy of Natural Sciences, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania [This is an abbreviated version of the original article. The full text appears in AIR 1:1, January/February 1995, and in the book Best of Annals of Improbable Research.] [School groups can hear and see a presentation based on this lecture. To arrange one, please telephone Edward Theriot or Earle Sapamer at the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia. The number is 215-299-1000.] According to National Geographic, hominids evolved first on the African continent, radiating to occupy the other continents during the past tens to hundreds of thousands of years. Current opinions put forth by anthropologists indicate that several genera and species evolved, of which only Homo exists today. The only evidence on which these suppositions are based are skeletal remains, preserved mostly as fragments. Cladistic studies of the characteristics of the bone fragments have led scientists to derive the evolutionary relationships between these different hominid animals. However, from field evidence and empirical observations, we have discovered a previously unrecognized form of hominid, alive today, which is presumably globally distributed. It is certainly found in North America, where we first observed it. Its external morphology is completely unlike hominid morphology, for which reason it has been until now overlooked. Its discovery has immediate and far-reaching implications on understanding hominid evolution. Materials and Methods In February 1994, we observed on television an animal which was there identified as a dinosaur, Barney. Its behavioral characteristics suggested that it was dissimilar to the diverse dinosaurian faunas that are so well documented. Even accounting for the probability that some dinosaurs were socially closely organized, and that some even may have been warm-blooded, Barney’s animated attitude, communication skills, and worshipful relationship with juvenile specimens of Homo, all pointed to an unrecognized aspect of reptile form and function.To test the hypothesis that Barney is a reptile descended from the true dinosaurs, we went into the field in order to capture and study a living specimen. This we accomplished with remark-able ease, as Barney was advertised to be appearing at a local shopping mall. In a secure area, we established an observation post, which met the immediate need for controlled docu-mentation of Barney’s external physical characteristics. Additional instrumentation was required to determine the internal structure of Barney. We elected not to sacrifice the specimen, as we believed that this would have had a negative impact on the associated fauna (the juvenile specimens of Homo). Mostly non-invasive procedures were designed to obtain our data. A wide-field X-ray emitter was built to obtain images of the skeletal structure of Barney. Unexposed X-ray film plates were hung decoratively on the wall near where Barney was expected to show itself; they were not noticed by any of the human subjects, nor by mall security. The X-ray emitter had only short exposure times, thus we believe that the human subjects in proximity to Barney were in no danger greater than were the residents of Chernoble. Observations X-ray photographs of Barney have provided our most astounding observations (Fig. 1). The skeleton is not that of a reptile, but it is clearly hominid both in morphometry and distribution of osteological elements. In fact, it is indistinguishable from the skeleton of Homo. The pelvic structure is mammalian; there are heterodont teeth with a dental formula precisely that of Homo; there are five digits on each of the extremities; and there are no vertebrae beyond the coccyx of the vertebral column, leaving the tail without skeletal support. However, the presence of a coelom, or body cavity, separating the skeleton from the dermal structure, makes Barney very unlike mammals and reptiles. Analysis The external morphology of Barney belies its mammalian affinity. Evolutionarily this suggests some selective advantage, to have the external form of a dinosaurian reptile and the internal structure and abilities of a hominid mammal. This view is supported by Barney’s observed ecological niche and behavioral characteristics, where it is always in association with juvenile hominids. The association seems to be one of co-dependence, and we present conjecture that Barney has evolved into the niche occupied by juvenile hominids, who by their own nature occupy a very protected part of hominid social structure, thus Barney would effectively ensure its survival by integrating itself into this environment.This still does not explain the taxonomic relationship of Barney to other vertebrates. To examine this, we compared various physical characters of Barney with the characters of other mammals, reptiles, birds, and fish. We selected characters based on their affinities across the spectrum of vertebrates. We added or discarded characters until we achieved the results we believed, then stopped. Barney was compared to humans, whales, ornithischian and saurischian dinosaurs, and birds. In the cladistic diagrams our outgroups are live and dead salmon. We compared Barney to the outgroups of live and dead salmon. We correctly predicted that Barney was very unlike a live salmon, but we were very surprised to find that the tree comparing Barney to a dead salmon (Fig. 2) was more parsimonious even than the tree which grouped Barney with the dinosaurs. The remarkable similarity of Barney to dead salmon emphasizes the distinctly non-reptilian characters. In each, the dermal covering is fuzz, a coelom is present, and an oral display character is present and independent from the dentition. This last character is of particular note. In Barney, the oral display (see Fig. 1) appears to serve no active function. There is no similar feature among the reptiles. This non-functional display is similar to the terminal sexual display character of the salmon. However, since Barney appears not to be in a reproductive mode, we have compared the oral display to one of territorial demarkation. We have observed similar means of territorial display in hominids (Fig. 3), which again reinforces Barney’s affinity to the Hominidae rather than the Reptilia. Implications for Evolution We have demonstrated that Barney is most similar to humans. Yet it is more like a dead salmon than even the dinosaurs to which group it purports to belong! We interpret this to be a case of convergence in evolution, where the ancestral Barney has evolved to occupy the same ecological niche as that now containing juvenile hominids.This poses significant questions to the interpretation of the fossil record. Non-skeletal materials are rarely preserved as fossils. It is therefore likely that the only part of the Barney animal to be found as a fossil is its skeleton, and we raise the question of misidentification of fossil remains. The criteria hitherto used to identify the skeletons of early humans and their precursors are non-indicative. If a skeleton of a proto-human cannot be distinguished from that of Barney, there is a likelihood that some of the skeletal specimens of early hominids. “Lucy” for example, may in fact be the skeleton of a Barney ancestor. Conclusion Barney is not a dinosaur. It is a hitherto unknown member of the Family Hominidae, which we name Pretendosaurus barneyi (from the Latin, pretendo, meaning “allege, simulate, pretend, or pretender,” and saurus, “lizard”). Its fossil record is presently unknown, but we infer from our data that it may extend to the Early Paleolithic Era. A complete reexamination of fossils said to be ancestors of humans is called for. The cultural cliche of coexistence of dinosaurs and humans, so richly represented in film (e.g. King Kong and The Flintstones), similarly may benefit from reexamination in light of the evidence seen in Barney, from which some significant sociological and anthropological conclusions may be derived.That Barney can be sighted today in numerous places is a sure indication of a widespread occurrence of the Barney animal, perhaps even coextensive with humans. Its certain identification may be complicated by morphological changes during its life cycle. It is possible that the development of the fuzzy epidermis, and the coelom separating it from the skeleton, are characters which form at sexual maturity. The juvenile stage may be exhibited solely by an immature hominid form, which presents very serious questions as to the correct identification of human children. Copyright © 1995 The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). All rights reserved. _____________________ This article is republished with permission from the January-February 1995 issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. It is also featured in the book  Best of Annals of Improbable Research. You can download or purchase back issues of the magazine, or subscribe to receive future issues. Or get a subscription for someone as a gift! Visit their website for more research that makes people LAUGH and then THINK.

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