The Onion Daily Dispatch - August 01, 2011

Mon Aug 01, 2011 www.theonion.com

Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks 08.01.11 WASHINGTON—The United States Congress passed a law late Wednesday that for the first time in its 222-year history did not result in the sudden and unexpected deaths of thousands of ducks. The law, designed to track suspicious interstate financial tr... News in Brief » Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze American Voices » Woman Fined For Truck Nutz “This ruling will have broad implications for the entire automotive genital-accessory industry.” opinion » Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit by Adam Cuneo Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, D... Radio News » Last Great Party Of Man's Life Results In First Child

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second. Most Popular » Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place Botanist Holding Up Entire Salad Bar Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

If you do not want to receive anymore emails from us, please click the following link unsubscribe. To unsubscribe via postal mail please send your request to: 536 Broadway New York NY, 10012 Please include the email address at which you have been contacted. All of our emails are sent from the domain http://www.theonion.com.