The Onion Daily Dispatch - March 09, 2012

Fri Mar 09, 2012 www.theonion.com

New Father Remembers Time When Baseball Wasn't So Goddamn Meaningful 03.09.12 EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—While stressing that he loves his 6-month-old son Jordan "more than life itself" and that fatherhood is "a whole new world opening up to you every day," 36-year-old Greg Henderson admitted Friday that he misses t... News in Brief » Entertainment Writer Has Knack For Making Complex Pop Culture Concepts Accessible To Lay Readers American Voices » Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record "This is the first step on the road to a glorious future where everyone has a robot to do their exercising for them." opinion » I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN! by Jackie Harvey For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me! Radio News » Ascending Soul Already Misses Possessions

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, We're going to need a few more articles this week touting the economic benefits of fracking while playing down the neurotoxic drinking water and increased seismic activity angles. Thanks, as always! — Red Cavaney, Senior Vice President, ConocoPhillips Most Popular » New Father Remembers Time When Baseball Wasn't So Goddamn Meaningful Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth What Are We Getting Home-Delivered? Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does This Article Generating Thousands Of Dollars In Ad Revenue Simply By Mentioning New iPad

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