The Onion Weekly Dispatch - May 31, 2012

Thu May 31, 2012 www.theonion.com

Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll 05.30.12 WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black Guy in the 2012 presidential race. Shrieking Vilsack Wakes From Nightmare About Being Buried Alive By Giant Ear Of Corn News in Brief » Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings Area Man Winded After Particularly Lengthy Wendy's Order Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting American Voices » Romney Clinches Republican Nomination “Now's the moment when he's in a skyscraper, staring out at a city at night, and he says, ‘Do I sacrifice everything? Is it worth it?’ Ooooo, I love politics!” Lugar Will Not Campaign For Republican Nominee video » High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one. opinion » Hey, Everybody! This Cool New Tide Detergent Video Is Blowing Up All Over The Internet! by Fred Hammond , Director Of Digital Video And Social Media Ad Integration, Tide Detergent Hey, everybody, have you seen this awesome new web video from Tide detergent? I just checked it out online and, man, it is easily one of the coolest digital videos I've ever seen. Radio News » Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Last week you published a letter from me—Jim Swanson—but guess what? That wasn't me, that was my identical twin brother, Tim. Ha-ha, got you! — Jim Swanson (or is it Tim?!), Minneapolis (or is it St. Paul?!), MN Most Popular » Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll Romney Clinches Republican Nomination Big 12 Agrees To Annual Bowl Loss Against SEC NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything Hey, Everybody! This Cool New Tide Detergent Video Is Blowing Up All Over The Internet! Hippie Very Involved In Hippie Non-Sports

If you do not want to receive anymore emails from us, please click the following link unsubscribe. To unsubscribe via postal mail please send your request to: 536 Broadway New York NY, 10012 Please include the email address at which you have been contacted. All of our emails are sent from the domain http://www.theonion.com.