Neatorama

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• <i>Woman Haters</i>: the First Three Stooges Short
• Dragon Sculpture Made Out Of Oil Drums
• Weird Poems Accompanied By Even Weirder Drawings
• Penguin Insulated Lunch Bag
• Jump Man
• The US Government Still Pays 2 Civil War Pensions
• Adorable Video of Twin Baby Girls Rocking out to Dad's Guitar
• Catfish Ransacked Couple's Home
• Don't Mess With The Hob-Bot
• Bodyscapes
• Lost Woman Looks for Herself
• Motorcycle Impression
• Wheel Clamp Man: Hero or Villain?
• Look Out! There's A Vicious Goose On The Loose!
• Wampa Plush Hat
• Who's The Teacher? Tony Danza Spent a Year Teaching High School to Find What's Wrong With Our Schools
• A Wacky Bunch Hard At Work In The Kitchen During Mardi Gras
• Grandma Gave Birth to Own Grandson
• Augmented Reality Cooking Simulator Makes Virtual Food
• My Little Pony Nails
• Should Polygamy Be Legal?
• What If Pixar Made The Expendables 2?
• Spain's Ugliest Face Competition
• LIBRETTO: Chemist in a Coffee Shop
• Neatorama Caption Contest: Bear in the Woods
• Why Are Dalmatians Linked to Firefighters?
• Grand Theft Auto- Dragon Style
• Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual
• Disguise Your Games to Look More Intellectual
• Strange And Cinematic Photographs By Alena Beljakova

<i>Woman Haters</i>: the First Three Stooges Short Posted: 30 Aug 2012 05:00 AM PDT Neatorama presents a guest post from actor, comedian, and voiceover artist Eddie Deezen. Visit Eddie at his website. Moe Howard, his kid brother Curly, and Larry Fine, a popular vaudeville/movie comedy team, had recently split up with their former boss, a mediocre comedian named Ted Healy. "Ted Healey and his Stooges" had made a handful of very forgettable comedy shorts for MGM in 1933. The Stooges and Healy also made a few feature films during their brief stint at MGM, most notably a musical called Dancing Lady starring Clark Gable and Joan Crawford. Dancing Lady was also the film debut of a young dancer named Fred Astaire. After the split with Healy, Curly and Larry were both worried, but Moe, always the group's leader, reassured them. "Look," Moe told his partners, "Let's call ourselves the Three Stooges and go out on our own." Moe managed to wrangle a contract with Columbia Studios in March of 1934. The first verifiable Three Stooges contract called for a $1,000 fee to be paid to the threesome for one short film, with the option for eight additional shorts at the same salary. Equal partners, the Stooges split their salary in equal portions. On May 5, 1934, the first Three Stooges short was released. It was titledWoman Haters. This short did not have the legendary opening Three Stooges banner on it at the time. The next short, Punch Drunks, was actually their first "official" short, billing Moe, Larry, and Curly as "The Three Stooges" for the first time. Woman Haters, upon its release for television, would have the Three Stooges instroduction banner added to it. Billed as a "musical novelty," not a comedy, this strange short is unlike any other film the Stooges would ever appear in. The plot involves three best friends getting together and swearing off women for life. To insure they can do this, they join a club called The Woman Haters Club. Also unlike future Stooge shorts, the boys each assume a real name: Moe is "Tommy," Larry is "Jim," and Curly plays "Jackie." In almost every other Stooges short, they go by their own names: Moe, Larry, and Curly, and play essentially themselves, just three bumbling idiots. Strangely, the film's dialogue is recited completely in rhyme! For example, at one point, Larry sings, "Either rain or shine, I'll meet youse on the train/ and now I'll tell the lady I'll never see her again. For the first and only time in his movie career as a Stooge, Larry Fine, the middle Stooge, takes on the starring role, a romantic lead, yet. Larry (Jim) falls for a very pretty, petite, platinum blonde and agrees to marry her (albeit under duress). The marriage upsets Jackie and Tom (Curly and Moe), and they go on a train, following the couple, and try to break the marriage off. We see a young Moe, Larry, and Curly slapping each other around, poking eyes, and getting slapped and poked themselves -a sight which would become first familliar to and then expected by movie fans the world over. Moe is already assuming the role of the boss, filling in the shoes of the erstwhile Ted Healy, the role he would unequivocally holf for the remainder of the Stooges career. There are 60 face slaps and 11 eye pokes in Woman Haters, and Moe gets in a majority of them. Moe is slapped by Larry (in retaliation) at one point, a scene that would never happen again in the future. Curly has not yet assumed his later role as the star and central comedic figure of the act. Also, we hear Curly speak in a normal New-Yorkish masculine voice. He had not yet assumed the high-pitched feminine voice that was to become his trademark. An awkward, slightly dated film, Woman Haters nonetheless does contain some wonderful Three Stooges moments. In one scene, as Curly tries to climb down from his upper berth on the train, Moe bites his foot, causing Curly to scream his very first soon-to-be-famous "Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!" It comes quickly, but in another scene on the train, as Curly watches Moe hit Larry, he also elicits his first ever amused "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk." Larry's (Jim's) wife in the film, the Stooges first ever leading lady, was played perfectly by a 30-year-old actrss named Marjorie White. White, a gifted comedienne, is both funny and likeable, especially in the scenes where she slaps her husband Larry and the other Stooges around herself. White had a bright future in films, but sadly, she was killed in a car accident a little over a year after the release of Woman Haters. On August 20, 1935, in Santa Monica, California, White was the passenger in a car driven by Marlow Lovell. Their car struck a couple who had been married less than an hour before, and overturned. Poor Marjorie was the only person seriously injured in the mishap and was rushed to the hospital. She died the next day of internal hemorrhage at a Hollywood hospital. Marjorie White was to be one of the first in a long line of Hollywood's "tragic blonde" actresses, who sadly met death much too early. In Woman Haters, we also catch a quick glimpse of a very young Walter Brennan playing a train porter. Brennan, a wonderful character actor, was later to garner three Academy Awards and thus became the answer to a great bar bet: "What three-time Oscar winner did a movie with the Three Stooges?" Look very carefully at Woman Haters, too, and you will notice the first of what would be many Three Stooges real-life injuries. In one early scene, Moe (Tom) breaks a pretzel on the nose of Larry (Jim). For the remainder of the film, we can see a small cut on the bridge of Larry's nose. Fortunately for comedy lovers the world over, Woman Haters was a huge hit with moviegoers. It was only the first of a record 190 comedy shorts the boys would make from 1934 to 1958. The Stooges 24 years together as a movie comedy team is a record that will probably never be broken. Although Curly would succumb to an early passing and be replaced by older brother Shemp, then Joe Besser, then Joe Derita, to all true Three Stooges fans the world over, The Three Stooges would always and forever be "Moe, Larry, and Curly." Their brilliant and hilarious antics were to set a high-water mark  for all slapstick movi comedians forever after. (YouTube link)

Dragon Sculpture Made Out Of Oil Drums Posted: 30 Aug 2012 04:00 AM PDT Chinese artist Qiu Zhijie created this magnificent metal dragon sculpture out of old oil drums, in order to signify "tension between the natural and modern worlds". The face and body are covered in details so sharp they'll take your hands right off if you're foolish enough to try and pet the dragon. What a fitting, and ecologically friendly, way to celebrate the Year of the Dragon! Link  --via Juxtapoz

Weird Poems Accompanied By Even Weirder Drawings Posted: 30 Aug 2012 03:00 AM PDT Alex Sparks and Bret Hawkins are collaborating on a project called The Ninety-Nine Draft, which features oddball illustrations based on short "poems" meant to conjure strange mental images. The accompanying drawings have an extremely unique graphic style that reveals the inherently serious nature of phrases like "all my friends have antlers" and "I am becoming a mountain of puberty". Link  --via JazJaz

Penguin Insulated Lunch Bag Posted: 30 Aug 2012 02:00 AM PDT Penguin Insulated Lunch Bag - $11.95 Are you still on the hunt for the perfect Back to School lunch bag? Procrastination is not always a bad thing. Behold the very adorable Penguin Insulated Lunch Bag from the NeatoShop. This super cute bag features a 3-D beak.   Make it a set. Matching Penguin Pull Along Bag also available.  Not a fan of penguins. Check out the equally captivating Duck Insulated Lunch Bag and Duck Pull Along Bag.  Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more great Mealtime fun! Link

Jump Man Posted: 30 Aug 2012 02:00 AM PDT (YouTube link) Mike took a picture of himself every day for five years to bring you this awesome video of his changing appearance. Somehow I get the feeling this involved way more pictures than we'll ever see. -via The Daily What

The US Government Still Pays 2 Civil War Pensions Posted: 30 Aug 2012 01:00 AM PDT The American Civil War ended in 1865, but as of last September, the Department of Veterans Affairs still pays out two pensions from that conflict. Privacy rules prevent the release of the names or reasons for the pensions, but it's likely that the recipients are the disabled elderly children of veterans: Department of Veteran Affairs spokesman Phil Budahn says the VA last checked in on the benefits recipients in the fall. Both were alive, but in poor health. Budahn says it's likely that the children of the Civil War veterans, who have wished to remain anonymous, both had illnesses that prevented them from ever becoming self-sufficient.. Trevor Plante, a reference chief at the National Archives says it's also possible that the beneficiaries were young when their fathers died and had no living mothers to care for them, which would also qualify them for their fathers' pensions. Link -via Hell in a Handbasket | Photo (unrelated) via the Ohio Historical Society

Adorable Video of Twin Baby Girls Rocking out to Dad's Guitar Posted: 30 Aug 2012 12:00 AM PDT (Video Link)  Every second of this video by YouTube user Brovadere is adorable. My favorite moment is at 0:15 when the girls hear the first few notes and give each other a knowing look. -via Nag on the Lake

Catfish Ransacked Couple's Home Posted: 29 Aug 2012 11:00 PM PDT Coming home to find your house ransacked by an intruder is unfortunate, but sadly not exactly rare. But what happened to a Chinese couple is very unusual: "I thought my home had been ransacked by thieves. The table was turned over, and stacked plastic bottles were everywhere," said Xu. "When I was picking up things from the other side of the table, I suddenly touched something cold and slippery, and it was moving!" After asking neighbours for help, they found a huge catfish on the floor. A baffled Xu added: "No thieves would leave a giant fish in the house while stealing nothing. And it's not possible that someone threw the fish in through the window, as the door and windows were locked. "All we can imagine is that the catfish somehow sneaked into the house in the time between us opening the door and then leaving for work." Link - via Animals Behaving Badly

Don't Mess With The Hob-Bot Posted: 29 Aug 2012 10:00 PM PDT (YouTube Link) He's come from the future to save the Shire's past, one goofy looking Orc at a time. It seems folks are getting impatient waiting for Peter Jackson's adaptation of The Hobbit to hit the big screen, so hopefully these ridiculous furry footed comedy videos will continue to hit the interwebs! --via Topless Robot

Bodyscapes Posted: 29 Aug 2012 09:00 PM PDT Photographer Jean-Paul Bourdier's most recent book, Bodyscapes, shows the nude human form painted to blend in with scenic landscapes. The results are gorgeous. You can see several examples of his work at the link. Content warning: artistic nudity. Link | Artist's Website

Lost Woman Looks for Herself Posted: 29 Aug 2012 08:00 PM PDT A bus driver alerted police and emergency personnel when one of the tourists on his sightseeing tour went missing. The excursion to Iceland's Eldgjá volcanic canyon was put on hold for hours while a search was carried out. A helicopter was even summoned for the search-and-rescue operation. However, the search was called off at 3 am when it turned out that the missing woman had been on the bus all along and even participated in the search for herself, mbl.is reports. Before reentering the bus after the stop at Eldgjá, the woman had changed her clothes and freshened up, resulting in the other passengers not recognizing her. According to information from the Coast Guard, a helicopter was ready to be sent to the area to assist with the search but the plans were put off due to foggy conditions. Around 50 people participated in the search on vehicles and by foot. The unidentified woman hadn't recognized herself in the description of the lost woman, as her clothing had been recalled incorrectly. Link -via Boing Boing (Image credit: Páll Stefánsson)

Motorcycle Impression Posted: 29 Aug 2012 07:00 PM PDT (Video Link)  Give Vanya an empty soda can. Then put on a blindfold. He'll convince you that there really is a motorcycle next to you. -via Blame It on the Voices

Wheel Clamp Man: Hero or Villain? Posted: 29 Aug 2012 06:00 PM PDT A caped crusader who named himself the Wheel Clamp Man found his calling when he got clamped one day. Now, the mystery man with a Zapata mustache and green leotard roams the city of Perth, Western Australia, with an angle grinder to remove the wheel clamps by his nemesis Parking Meter Man. Wheel Clamp Man has reportedly been helping forlorn motorists for several weeks in Perth, Western Australia. He was tracked down by a weekend newspaper, but refused to disclose his name and said he was inspired by England’s Angle-grinder Man, who wore a blue leotard and removed clamps in London and Kent almost a decade ago. He wore the costume to avoid being filmed on closed circuit cameras and asked drivers before removing the metal restraints. “I’m helping people out,” he told Perth’s Sunday Times newspaper. “I don’t feel I’m damaging property. “The amount of money these companies make off innocent people is insane. Where does that money go? “Not into car parks or safer streets. It goes into their pocket.” The police department, however, considers him a menace and urges the public to turn him in: Link POLL: What do you think, Neatoramanauts? Is the Wheel Clamp Man a hero or a villain? Hero - Give him a medal! Villain - Throw him in jail!

Look Out! There's A Vicious Goose On The Loose! Posted: 29 Aug 2012 05:00 PM PDT You know your building's security has become way too lax when they post a note on the door about the dangerous goose on the loose, instead of simply shooing the thing away. The note wouldn't be nearly as believable if the culprit weren't posing for the picture with that murderous gleam in his eye!  Ack! My achin' kneecaps... Link

Wampa Plush Hat Posted: 29 Aug 2012 04:00 PM PDT Wampa Plush Hat - $19.95 Attention Star Wars fans! Are you looking for a way to get in touch with your inner tauntaun craving predatory animal? You need the Wampa Plush Hat from the NeatoShop. This fantastic hat features amazing embroidered details. The force is strong with this hat! Yoda Plush Hat, Leia Plush Hat, and Chewbacca Plush Hat also available. Collect them all!  Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more great Star Wars items.  Link

Who's The Teacher? Tony Danza Spent a Year Teaching High School to Find What's Wrong With Our Schools Posted: 29 Aug 2012 04:00 PM PDT Photo: Barbara Johnston/Thinkfactory Media A lot of people think they've got the solution to America's dismal education system without ever teaching a day in their lives, but not Tony Danza. The Hollywood actor spent a year as a rookie teacher at Northeast High School in Philadelphia teaching 10th grade English. Here's what Tony wrote about his experience: Everyone knows we have a problem. By every education metric, we’re no longer No. 1 in the world. Dropout rates in many districts approach 50%, and some estimates put the number of dropouts at more than 1 million a year. How do we sustain a great country with those numbers? Education has become a national security issue. If we don’t get our schools right, we won’t have the labor force or the soldiers we’ll need in the future. A parent doesn’t always think that way, though. A parent asks, justifiably, how do I help my kid? There’s one important thing I learned in the trenches at Northeast High in Philadelphia: Teachers have no problem being held accountable by parents. In fact, they crave parent involvement. If parents do nothing else, they should persuade their sons and daughters to take part in their own education. Kids should hear the message loud and clear: “You have one life, and this small part of it will make all the difference.” And parents, you should walk the talk by showing up for the play, the debate, the science fair. There were evenings when, as an English teacher hosting an open house for parents, I stood mostly alone. Tony has written about his experience in a new book, I'd Like to Apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had and in this article over at USA Weekend: Link - via GOOD

A Wacky Bunch Hard At Work In The Kitchen During Mardi Gras Posted: 29 Aug 2012 03:00 PM PDT Would you still eat at a restaurant that had a kitchen staff like the madcap bunch in this picture? Well, if you were looking for a bite to eat during Mardi Gras in Munich, Germany around 1933 you might not have had much of a choice in the matter! Looking for more enjoyable pictures of people playing dress up? Then you should check out our new Halloween blog, it's a great place to park your eyeballs for a spell. Link

Grandma Gave Birth to Own Grandson Posted: 29 Aug 2012 02:00 PM PDT Remember the song I'm My Own Grandpa? Well, this one is kind of like that: Madden Hebert is a typical week-old baby -- "eating like a champ and he doesn't fuss too much," according to his mother. But there's nothing typical about how he came about. Last week, Madden's grandmother gave birth to him. "It was all pretty simple as far as I was concerned," said Linda Sirois, 49, of Madawaska, who carried and delivered Madden because her daughter, Angel Hebert, had a heart condition that meant it would be unsafe for her to get pregnant. Sirois said she has let her daughter know for years that she would become a surrogate mother for her if a doctor suggested that she not become pregnant. Grandmother, mother, and baby are doing just fine, by the way: Link

Augmented Reality Cooking Simulator Makes Virtual Food Posted: 29 Aug 2012 01:30 PM PDT (Video Link)  Researchers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology have developed a realistic simulation of cooking with a frying pan: When you move the frying pan, the actual movement is input, and you can feel the ingredients through the pan. Also, the upper part of the system is a screen. When you look into the pan, you can see what's in it through a half-mirror. So this simulator lets you experience looking into the frying pan while you hold it. This technology combines a rigid-body physics engine library and a heat conduction simulator. The heat conduction state changes in line with the amount of physical contact, and the simulation is achieved by combining them. The food that you cook with the simulator is also very low in fat. Link -via Nerdcore

My Little Pony Nails Posted: 29 Aug 2012 01:00 PM PDT They might not be the most functional nails in the world with all the jagged edges, but they are certainly stylish. I'm willing to bet John would wear these if he were a lovely little lady. Link

Should Polygamy Be Legal? Posted: 29 Aug 2012 12:30 PM PDT Photo: Shutterstock In the midst of the discussion over marriage equality these days, let us ask this question: Should three people be allowed to marry each other? After all, they're all grown ups and what business does society have in regulating what they do in private? That's the controversy surrounding the case of a three-person civil union in Brazil: A notary in the Brazilian state of Sao Paulo has sparked controversy by accepting a civil union among three people. Public Notary Claudia do Nascimento Domingues has said the man and two women should be entitled to family rights. She says there is nothing in law to prevent such an arrangement. But the move has angered some religious groups, while one lawyer described it as "absurd and totally illegal". The three individuals, who have declined to speak to the press, have lived in Rio de Janeiro together for three years and share bills and other expenses. Link POLL: What do you think? Should polygamy be legal? Yes No

What If Pixar Made The Expendables 2? Posted: 29 Aug 2012 12:00 PM PDT (YouTube Link) Wacky mashup videos abound, but this one's got the slurred tough guy tones of Stallone mixed up with the slick shiny look of Pixar's Toy Story movies. I don't think this movie would have qualified as family friendly entertainment, what with all those plastic body parts being blown across the screen! --via Geek Tyrant

Spain's Ugliest Face Competition Posted: 29 Aug 2012 11:30 AM PDT Hey, you. Yes, you, dear reader. There's an annual competition in Bilbao, Spain called the Concurso de Feos. There's something about you that makes me think you've got a great chance of winning. Men and women, old and young, take the stage to contort their faces into the ugliest grimace possible -- and the grosser, the better. If you watch the competitors closely enough, you can discern some clear trends and classic faces. For example, one of the more popular faces involves rolling one's eyes until only the whites are visible. This is frequently combined with extended tongues or a mouth that is pulled as wide as possible. You can view a slideshow of contestants at the link. Link -via Walyou | Photo: Reuters

LIBRETTO: Chemist in a Coffee Shop Posted: 29 Aug 2012 11:00 AM PDT Words: Marc Abrahams (acts 1-4), Tom Lehrer (Act 5) Music: Johannes Brahms, Georges Bizet, Jacques Offenbach, Luigi Denza, and Arthur Sullivan Chemist in a Coffee Shop premiered as part of the 21st First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, at Sanders Theater, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts, on September 29, 2011. Special thanks to Tom Lehrer for letting us use and slightly mangle his classic song “The Elements” in Act 5. The story: A CHEMIST comes into the coffee shop, gets a cup of coffee, then chats briefly and insultingly with the two baristas—named BARISTA and BAROASTA—who work in the shop. He sits down with a cup of coffee. Mostly he stays in that seat throughout the opera. BARISTA and BAROASTA turn out to know quite a bit of chemistry. In act 2 and thereafter, BARISTA and BAROASTA keep feeding THE CHEMIST free coffee, to which the chemist responds physically, more and more, as the opera goes on. He becomes devoted to the baristas, taking notes about what they say and helping them, becoming their increasingly admiring assistant. ACT 1: “A Chemist Comes Into a Coffee Shop…” [WE SEE THE TWO BARISTAS ALREADY IN THE SHOP, WORKING AWAY.] NARRATOR [WHO IS ALWAYS SIPPING COFFEE]: Tonight’s opera is about a coffee shop. It’s also about chemistry. [THE CHEMIST WALKS INTO THE SHOP, AND THE BARISTAS QUICKLY, EFFICIENTLY SERVE HIM A CUP.] NARRATOR: The shop has two baristas, who are really knowledgeable about coffee. It looks like they have a new customer. It looks like that customer is a chemist. It looks like the baristas are giving him a nice, fresh cup of coffee. And it looks like it’s time for me to shut up and see what happens. [MUSIC: “Hungarian Dance #5,” Johannes Brahms] [CHEMIST takes a big sip of coffee] CHEMIST [SPOKEN:] Hey, this cup of chemicals tastes pretty good! Tastes like coffee, ha ha ha ha ha! That’s because it IS coffee, ha ha ha ha ha! Heh—I know you work in a coffee shop, but I bet you don’t know the secret of WHAT’S IN COFFEE, chemically speaking. CHEMIST: [SINGS A BIT TAUNTINGLY, A CAPELLA AND NOT TOO SKILLFULLY, TO THE TUNE OF BRAHMS’ 5TH HUNGARIAN DANCE:] Coffee isn’t what you think— Coffee’s a… Very simple drink. Mostly good old H-two-O! Hydrogen and oxygen! That’s WATER, don’t you know! [SPOKEN:] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [SITS DOWN WITH THE COFFEE, AND POINTEDLY STOPS PAYING ATTENTION TO THE BARISTAS.] [THE TWO BARISTAS NOW SING THIS SONG, BEGINNING WITH THE START OF THE ORIGINAL TUNE. THEY PRETEND THAT THEY DON’T KNOW THE CHEMIST CAN HEAR THEM. THE CHEMIST PRETENDS THAT HE ISN’T PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM. AS THE SONG PROGRESSES, THE CHEMIST PRETENDS HE IS NOT EMBARRASSED AT HAVING ACTED LIKE AN ASS. ] BARISTA: Coffee is a simple drink. Common stuff. Hardly worth a think. BAROASTA: They make coffee everywhere, Making coffee takes no brains, And hardly any care. BARISTA: Put some water into a cup. Coffee, too. Then just stir it up. BAROASTA: Lots-a sugar! Lots-a cream! Simply put: The more you add, The better it will seem! BOTH: HA! BAROASTA: Beans might matter—just Arabica!… Please! My bean pref’rence is… well, just a little Viennese… Though Robusta beans—have a… little extra manganese! BARISTA: Ah, the subtle sweetness of manganese! BAROASTA: I like beans that have lots of… P-xylenol. BARISTA: I like beans just bursting… with isoeugenol. BAROASTA: I like beans with… low dihydrositosterol. BARISTA: That’s what you say! You, you’re a know-it-all BAROASTA: Maybe I should be like Harry Potter. [GESTURES, HALF-MOCKINGLY TOWARD THE CHEMIST] Use a spell to purify the water. BARISTA: You, you’d never conjure any danger. You’re a scholar, like Hermione Granger! BAROASTA: Chemistry can… show you if there’s something wrong. Spot some sourness… or a batch that’s wayyyyyyyyyy too strong. T’see if you have… got a crappy coffee bean, Monitor the… 2-hydroxy-pyradine. BARISTA: Brewing methods! Which one is best? Choose THAT one—then ignore the rest. Study up! Apportion your time To the many aspects of your coffee paradigm. BAROASTA: Percolator? That work okay? Or perhaps, a filter, s’il vous plait? Do a drip? Or use a French press? Contemplating all the options causes great distress! BARISTA: Try some physics?…. Use a vacuum under glass — Exploit certain…. properties of gas. Or just boil it in water—be traditional like that. Mess that up, though, and you will taste a rat. BAROASTA: Choose your method! Oh, you can really screw it up! Un-delicious… desolation in a cup! BOTH: Ruination… will happen right away if you are wrong. Coffee-making calls for… an intellect that’s strong! Strong, strong, strong! ACT 2: Something About Coffee… NARRATOR [SIPPING COFFEE]: In Act Two of our opera, we are still in the coffee shop. Of course we are! Why would we go anywhere else? The two baristas look like they want to talk about coffee. Nothing new there. Let’s see what they have to say…. [MUSIC: “Habanera,” Georges Bizet, from “Carmen”] BARISTA: Some crave coffee that’s steamy hot. Some crave coffee that’s chilly cool. I don’t care if it’s hot or not. I care about one special molecule. Certain molecules have allure. —Hey, I LIKE carbon, but I LOVE graphene!— But always, ALWAYS, my chem du jour’s That little molecule they call… CAFFEINE! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! The very name is very nice. Caffeine, caffeine! Caaa-ffeine! Woo-hoo! Perhaps I should be more precise: C-eight H-ten N-four O-two. [OTHERS:] Caffeine! Caffeine! Yes, there are pedants who prefer to say a diff’rent name— Caffeine! Caffeine!! TRIMETHYLXANTHINE… Yes, PEDANTIC’LY, it’s the same. Caffeine! Caffeine! It acts in diff’rent ways on diff’rent people’s body clocks. Caffeine! Caffeine! It helps makes coffee so delicious a paradox. BARISTA: In most countries most people think That coffee makes you fly, and makes you leap. In Japan, though, this dreamy drink Is what folks use to help them get to sleep. In our neighborhood coffee shop We brew the coffee so it’s quite dilute. But Turks and Greeks serve it thick as glop. And if it’s not, you’ll hear a loud dispute. Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! The very name is very nice. Caffeine, caffeine! Caaa-ffeine! Woo-hoo! Perhaps I should be more precise: C-eight H-ten N-four O-two. [OTHERS:] Caffeine! Caffeine! C-eight H-ten N-four O-two. Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeine! Caffeeeeeeeeeine! The secret of the coffee bean! [MUSIC: “The Toreador Song,” Georges Bizet, from “Carmen”] BAROASTA: Well-made coffee Is a bit like toffee — Its delicious taste Has many elements. Furans and pyrroles, Proteins and thiazoles, Protocatechuic acid. All packed in one bean! Who can measure All the simple pleasure From this simple food Which needs no supplements. This simple fluid Somehow accru-ed Lots of simple compounds—Let me mention just a few! Aliphatic acids, Chlorogenic acids, And a slew of polysaccharides. Tryptophan! Obtusifoliol! And I tell you that’s not all! My favorite… (You knew it! You knew it!) is cafeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiine! Caffeine? I like it! You! You like it, too! Hey, buckaroo—What does it do? When… you drink coffee, Well, need I explain That it acts on your brain! Your heart and kidneys and Your sphincter, too! Yes, on your sphincter, too! ALL: Caffeine? I like it! You! You like it, too! Hey, buckaroo—What does it do? BAROASTA: When… you drink coffee, Well, need I explain That it acts on your brain! ALL: Your heart and kidneys and Your sphincter, too! Yes, on your sphincter, too! [ALL RUSH OFF, PRESUMABLY TO THE LOO.] ACT 3: The Coffee Diet NARRATOR: It’s Street Performer Day at the coffee shop. Street performers get a free cup of coffee if they come to the shop and perform something about coffee. Here comes one now! And he’s a doctor, too. It’s Dr. Thomas Michel of Harvard Medical School. Dr. Michel has been doing some research on the health effects of coffee. Maybe he’ll tell us about that… [DR. MICHEL AND HIS ACCORDION COME IN. THE CHEMIST (AND/OR OTHERS? THE BARISTAS, TOO?) CANNOT HELP BUT DO A ONE-PERSON KICKLINE TO ACCOMPANY HIM.] [MUSIC: “Can-Can,” Jacques Offenbach] (YouTube link) DR. MICHEL: Do you know the coffee diet? Though it seems a bit obscure, There’s no reason not to try it. It’s so simple and so pure. Coffee’s good at elevating Your base metabolic rate -- Gets your brainstem oscillating, You feel vibrant! You feel great! All you drink is coffee, coffee, co-offee! Lunch and dinner—coffee, coffee, coo-ffee! You’ll get thinner—coffee, coffee, coo-ffee! Saint or sinner, everyone drinks Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, Coooooo-ffeeeeeeeee ! [CHORUS:] Oh! As an appetite suppressant Coffee is incessant. Yet it makes you effervescent! Coffee is just so fab! It Turns into a habit. Keeps you hopping like a rabbit. Here’s why it’s dietetic: It’s a diuretic— Makes you GO, GO, GO! GO, GO, GO, GO! GO, COFFEE! You cannot sleep Because you want to keep On drinking, ‘cause it’s cheap. Record-keeping for this diet. Is so simple to keep up. All you do to quantify it Is to count each coffee cup. Grandé, venti, more than twenty Cups a day a habit makes… Habit makes… habit makes… habit makes… habit makes… habit makes… habit makes… habit makes… Habit habit habit habit habit habit habit habit. [REPEAT THE CHORUS] And it has no cholesterol! It has no nutrients at all! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, Coooooo--ffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee [NOTE: THIS SONG WAS ORIGINALLY PART OF ONE OF OUR EARLIER OPERAS—“THE ATKINS DIET OPERA,” IN 2004, seen in the video above] ACT 4: In the Coffee NARRATOR [SIPPING COFFEE]: Well, we’re still here in the coffee shop. I’m having my my fourth cup. This must be Act Four! I’m anxious to see what’s going to happen. But first, I have to pee. I’ve just had four cups of coffee. Excuse me, will you? I’ll be back. Meanwhile, you listen to the music. [MUSIC: “Funiculi Funicula,” Luigi Denza] BARISTA: Just WHAT should you put in a cup of coffee? I’ll tell you WHAT. [OTHERS:] I’ll tell you WHAT. BAROASTA: The way that I respond to perfect coffee… Well, I’m a nut. [OTHERS:] A coffee nut. BARISTA: The way that I react is so PAVLOV-y— Right from my gut! [OTHERS:] Right from my gut! — When certain SPECIAL THINGS are in my coffee — And nothing but. [OTHERS:] And nothing but. ALL: Sugar! Sugar! Sugar and some cream, In proportion, working as a team! When I put sugar in my coffee with the right amount of cream, Verily, oh verily, oh life is but a dream! [REPEAT the “sugar! sugar!” segment] BARISTA: The chemistry of sugar is so simple. Disaccharide. [OTHERS:] Disaccharide. Each molecule has got a sort of dimple. On either side. [OTHERS:] On either side. There’s an ether bond between the one part— The fructosyl. [OTHERS:] The fructosyl. And its attractive isomeric sweetheart— The glucosyl. [OTHERS:] The glucosyl. ALL: Sucrose! Sucrose! So completely sweet! Fructose, glucose—nothing indiscreet. Good old C-twelve H-twenty-two Oh-(ho!)-eleven! What a treat! Glycosidic linkage keeps the bonding nice and neat. BAROASTA: Cream caresses coffee in a cuppa, Consider this. [OTHERS:] Consider this. A drink drunk after lunch or after suppah Was simple bliss. [OTHERS:] Was simple bliss That bliss was quite contingent on the texture— Not like a paste. [OTHERS:] Not like a paste. Nothing so astringent that it vexed your Exquisite taste. [OTHERS:] Exquisite taste. — ALL: Cream is smooth and rich, and mixes well! Cream enhances coffee taste and smell, With phospholipids and some proteins as emulsifiers that Fortify the globules of delicious butterfat! ALL: Sugar! Sugar! Sugar and some cream, In proportion, working as a team! When I put sugar in my coffee with the right amount of cream, Verily, oh verily, oh life is but a dream! [REPEAT the “sugar! sugar!” segment] ACT 5: The Ingredients NARRATOR [SIPPING COFFEE]: I’m back. Just in time for the thrilling conclusion to tonight’s opera. Oh. Look! The coffee shop is FILLED with customers. And they look excited! That’s because the baristas have JUST invented a new flavor of coffee. Everyone is about to have their VERY FIRST SIP. Let’s see if it’s good! [EVERYONE ON STAGE, OTHER THAN THE BARISTAS, IS A CUSTOMER IN THE COFFEE SHOP, AND HAS A CUP IN HAND. THREE OR FOUR CUSTOMERS EACH TAKE A SIP OF COFFEE AND ASK THIS QUESTION— ASK IT SEVERAL TIMES SO THAT THE AUDIENCE CANNOT POSSIBLY MISS THIS SETUP TO THE JOKE—BEFORE THE SONG BEGINS:] [SPOKEN:] “Wow! This is the BEST cup of coffee I’ve ever tasted! What’s IN it?” [BARISTA and BAROASTA DIVIDE THE LYRICS BETWEEN THEM. AT CERTAIN POINTS ONE OR ANOTHER CUSTOMER EACH SINGS ONE LINE.] [MUSIC: “Modern Major General” by Arthur Sullivan, words by Tom Lehrer (“The Elements,” slightly modified)] There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium, And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium. There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. BARISTA [SPOKEN, AS PIANO FILLS SOFTLY UNDER]: Isn’t that interesting? There’s no need to write it down! Because we now sell BOXES of this coffee, in stores everywhere! You can buy this beautiful coffee—in this BEAUTIFUL BOX. [SOMEONE HOLDS UP A GIANT BOX] Isn’t it a beautiful box? All the ingredients are listed ON THE BOX!! [MUSIC RESUMES] There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium, And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium. And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium, Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium. There’s sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium, And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium, And Chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. BAROASTA: These are the coffee flavors listed on the side of OUR BOX…. We like to think that some of them you will not see at STARBOCKS. Original Cast Stage manager and conductor: David Stockton Barista: Maria Ferrante Baroasta: Roberta Gilbert The Chemist: Daniel Rosenberg Dr. Thomas Michel: himself A customer: Marc Andelman Other customers: Nobel laureates Dudley Herschbach, Rich Roberts, Roy Glauber, Peter Diamond, Eric Maskin, Lou Lou Ignarro; performer Amanda Palmer; and all the 2011 Ig Nobel Prize winners and 24/7 Lecturers. Pianist: Branden Grimmett _____________________ This article is republished with permission from the November-December 2011 issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. You can download or purchase back issues of the magazine, or subscribe to receive future issues. Or get a subscription for someone as a gift! Visit their website for more research that makes people LAUGH and then THINK.

Neatorama Caption Contest: Bear in the Woods Posted: 29 Aug 2012 10:30 AM PDT Image: Provenance unknown (does anyone know the photographer or back story?) - via Arbroath It's been a while since Neatorama's last Caption Contest, so let's get to it, shall we? Funniest captions win neat stuff from the NeatoShop - here are the rules: 1. Write your caption in the comment section below. One caption per comment, please, though you can enter as many as you'd like (in separate comments). 2. Include your selection of a NeatoShop item from the Funny T-Shirt category. You can pick any item in stock, $25 or less. 3. Incomplete entries forfeit the prize, okay? We'll pick 3 winners soon. Be sure to visit the NeatoShop and take a look around - your purchase helps support indie artists and this blog. Happy captioning!

Why Are Dalmatians Linked to Firefighters? Posted: 29 Aug 2012 10:00 AM PDT These days any fire stations that actually have dalmatians just keep them around for the sake of appearances, but if you've ever wondered why they chose the spotted dogs in the first place, there's actually a good reason: In the 1800s, fire engines were horse-driven carriages. Unfortunately, horses and much of the other equipment found in a fire station were a prime target for thieves...Eventually the solution became clear: a watchdog...Horses are not solitary animals...Left alone too long, they grow restless and neurotic. Dalmatians, it was discovered, more than any other breed of dog, formed an amazingly close bond with horses once they were introduced. They also became quite protective and possessive of their equine friends, so it became impossible for anyone to try to spirit away a horse under cover of the night. Find out more about the bond over at Mental Floss. Link

Grand Theft Auto- Dragon Style Posted: 29 Aug 2012 09:30 AM PDT (YouTube Link) If you feel the mean streets of Liberty City are looking less than fantastic these days then this wacky mod, created by Taltigolt and Indirivacua for Grand Theft Auto IV, will make your day. It lets you play as a dragon from Final Fantasy XI, complete with fire breath and Skyrim inspired shout noises for some odd reason... I didn't know that people still played the GTA IV?! --via Kotaku

Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual Posted: 29 Aug 2012 09:00 AM PDT The geeks who help customers at Apple stores' Genius Bar may be geniuses, but they must learn to do things "the Apple way." Gizmodo got hold of an Apple training manual. It's not about technical issues, but all about making the customer feel good about their gadgets and the company that sells them. The manual explains that "AppleCare's legal counsel has defined [these] terms that should be avoided when discussing product issues with customers." Did your computer crash? No, it "stops responding." Never say crash. What if some Apple software has a bug? Wrong: there's an "issue," "condition," or simply "situation." You don't "eliminate" a problem—you "reduce" it. No Apple products are hot—at most they're "warm." Switching "disaster" out for "error" might make sense to calm down a panicky client, but most of this is a straight up whitewash, the sterilization of language that could very well be accurate for a given problem. Sometimes there are bugs, laptops do run hot, and laptops crash. Our modern world: customer service designed by lawyers. But that's just a small part of an extensive article on how Apple Geniuses are trained to deal with people, which some of the geekiest computer whizzes probably need. Link -via Flavorwire

Disguise Your Games to Look More Intellectual Posted: 29 Aug 2012 08:30 AM PDT Love video games but hate their salacious covers? Then make your gaming collection look a little smarter with these awesome covers by artist James Bit that make them look like vintage Penguin books. Link Via Laughing Squid

Strange And Cinematic Photographs By Alena Beljakova Posted: 29 Aug 2012 08:00 AM PDT Photographer Alena Beljakova has a story to tell, one which Hollywood directors should take note of and viewers are free to get lost in. It's an extremely well formed vision for a nineteen year old, but I think that's what makes Alena's photos so special. She's going to keep telling her tales, hopefully for a long time to come. And we may just get to the bottom of why those people wearing the bunny masks look like they're up to no good... Link  --via Beautiful/Decay

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