The Onion Daily Dispatch - September 03, 2012

Mon Sep 03, 2012 www.theonion.com

Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales 08.29.07 WASHINGTON, DC—The Must Act Now Act authorizes the federal government to take full advantage of "sensational savings" on select and already-reduced merchandise. News in Brief » Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million In Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign American Voices » Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries “That’s why I tell my kids to chew their batteries thoroughly before swallowing them.” opinion » Here Are All Of My Opinions  by John Caldwell By John Caldwell Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Unfortunately, I have to cancel my subscription since I’m joining a monastery and taking a vow of blindness. — Johnny Chen, Vienna, VA Most Popular » The Week In Pictures Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

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