Neatorama

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• Celebrities Accused of Being Bad Neighbors
• Mjolnir Purse
• Sloth Magic
• Rings with Tiny Worlds inside of Them
• Big Trilobites in the Sky
• 3 Year-Old Rocks Wonder Woman Costume on Her Last Day of Chemo
• Jokermon - A Pocket Full Of Laughs
• Shovel Cat, Shovel Cat, What Do They Want From You?
• Man Too Busy Texting to Notice Whale Surfacing Right Next to Him
• Perfectly Punny DIY Valentine's Day Cards
• New Monopoly Set Comes with $24,000 in Real Money
• Synchronized Skydiving
• The Hardest Working Dogs in the World
• 9 Horrifying Things That Would Happen if Disney Movies Were Scientifically Accurate
• Single Father Gets Help From Beauty School to Learn to Style His Daughter's Hair
• Which Dog Did the Deed?
• This Fire Truck Has 2 Front Ends for a Practical Reason
• Parody Of 80s Hungry Like The - Things Are About To Get Hairy!
• 30 More Life Hacks Debunked (Part Three)
• The 20 Weirdest Maternity Photos Ever
• Mechanical Music
• NeatoShop's Valentine's Day T-Shirt Sale: Get Free Shipping Worldwide!
• How to Survive a Disaster
• Seven Lesser Known Architectural Wonders
• INTERESTING.JPG
• Patrick Stewart As Every Passenger You Hate On A Plane
• The Atkins Diet Opera

Celebrities Accused of Being Bad Neighbors Posted: 05 Feb 2015 04:00 AM PST A bad neighbor can make everyday life extremely difficult. It's easy to take your goofy, bathrobe-and-curlers-in-the-front-yard neighbor for granted until you have another who seems truly malicious. The referring article briefly tells the stories of celebrities accused of being bad neighbors. Some tales are much worse than others. For instance, one is a complaint that Robert Downey Jr. passed out in their home. To me, that's more like a daydream neighbor than a nightmare one. But to each their own.  One celebrity neighbor with a (non) shockingly bad rep is Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose. When a neighbor in a condo unit near his went to him with her complaint of his music being too loud, Axl grabbed her car keys, threw them out a sliding glass door to the ground below, then took a wine bottle out of her hands, poured out its contents and hit her over the head. Appetite for Destruction indeed! Read the remaining 26 celebrity bad neighbor stories here.

Mjolnir Purse Posted: 05 Feb 2015 03:00 AM PST “Whoever holds this purse, if she be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.” Thor is now, by the way, a woman. So it’s appropriate that she equip herself for battle. Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor, takes the form of a practical purse in this creation by Meryle Idzerda. It’s made around a cigar box and covered with lambskin leather that has a gunmetal finish. -via Fashionably Geek

Sloth Magic Posted: 05 Feb 2015 02:00 AM PST Vimeo Link In the footage above, Lucy Cooke, a filmmaker and founder of the Sloth Appreciation Society, discusses humans' positive reaction to seeing sloths. What is it abourt the ability of the species to charm us? The video below, also made by Cooke, focuses on the the squeaky sounds of baby sloths, featuring orphaned babies filmed at sloth sanctuaries in Colombia and Costa Rica. -Via Laughing Squid Vimeo Link

Rings with Tiny Worlds inside of Them Posted: 05 Feb 2015 01:00 AM PST Theo Fennell, a master jeweler from the UK, has designed a wide array of rings that contain tiny dioramas. Little gold doors flip open on hinges, showing inner landscapes and characters. He often takes his inspiration from classic stories, such as The Wizard of Oz and The Secret Garden. Pictured above is the Yellow Brick Road, which leads to the Emerald City. -via Messy Nessy Chic

Big Trilobites in the Sky Posted: 05 Feb 2015 12:00 AM PST These holes look like big trilobites in the sky, or maybe they could be called “skylobites.” This picture of failstreak holes over Florida was posted by redditor deadhalo. They are sometimes attributed to UFOs, but there’s a perfectly logical explanation from meteorology.   Failstreak holes are the beginning of ice formations in clouds. The temperature can be very cold before water vapor turns to ice. When ice crystals begin to form, the crystallization spreads outward in a domino effect. Meanwhile, water surrounding the ice crystals evaporates, leaving a big hole.

3 Year-Old Rocks Wonder Woman Costume on Her Last Day of Chemo Posted: 04 Feb 2015 11:00 PM PST Sophia Sandoval says of chemotherapy “It was tough, but I was tougher.” She’s made it through treatments for a brain tumor. Lynda Carter, the actress who played Wonder Woman on the 1970s television series, calls Sophia “A real-life WW!!” -via Huffington Post

Jokermon - A Pocket Full Of Laughs Posted: 04 Feb 2015 10:00 PM PST Jokermon by Gordon Brebner Designs Crime used to be unbearably silly in Pallet Town, and the manic energy embodied by that joker made every day dangerously unpredictable, but then something strange happened. The joker was casing a pocket monster lab when he slipped and fell into a vat of pokegoo, which transformed him into a round sleepy ball of fluff with a painted face. The town started calling him Jokermon, and they began to see him as less of a threat and more of an ambassador to their pocket monster obsessed town. Now the only thing that clown prince of crime would be catching is plenty of Zzzzzzzs! Transform your geeky wardrobe from average to highly evolved with this Jokermon t-shirt by Gordon Brebner Designs, and catch some admiring smiles from your fellow pokefans! Visit Gordon Brebner Designs's Facebook fan page, Tumblr and Twitter, then head on over to his NeatoShop for more geek-tastic designs: Amari Controls The Sea Dawn of the Doge Neo Tokyo Clowns View more designs by Gordon Brebner Designs | More Funny T-shirts | New T-Shirts Are you a professional illustrator or T-shirt designer? Let's chat! Sell your designs on the NeatoShop and get featured in front of tons of potential new fans on Neatorama!

Shovel Cat, Shovel Cat, What Do They Want From You? Posted: 04 Feb 2015 10:00 PM PST YouTube Link James Gilfoy's cat Rudiger is shown here trying to make a dent in the massive snowdrift standing in between him and his ability to roam. While he did a good job pawing his way out, Rudiger may be hoping dad busts out the shovel next blizzard. -Via Tastefully Offensive

Man Too Busy Texting to Notice Whale Surfacing Right Next to Him Posted: 04 Feb 2015 09:00 PM PST Photographer Eric J. Smith snapped this shot near Redondo Beach, California. A man on a sailboat was texting while a humpback whale surfaced. He never noticed. ABC News (warning: auto-start video) quotes him: "A small private sailboat maneuvered really close to the whales, and this guy on it was literally sitting in that position and never moved," Smith said. "He could have been texting his mom in the hospital for all I know, but I thought it sucked that he missed such a wonderful moment happening just two feet in front of him." -via Ed Morrissey

Perfectly Punny DIY Valentine's Day Cards Posted: 04 Feb 2015 08:00 PM PST (Image/Tutorial Link) Every February kids look forward to sharing a bit of their individual personalities with their classmates in the form of a Valentine's Day card, which they usually have to give to every kid in their class. This causes most parents to go looking for Valentines that are easy to put together and cheap, resulting in a totally throwaway experience. (Image/Tutorial Link) Kids and parents who are bored of the same old store bought Valentines are now seeking alternatives, something new and truly unique to spice up that classroom share and wow their peers. Well, if you're looking to share some Valentines that are sure to impress look no further than this fun collection of 34 Punny Valentines Perfect For Any Classroom. (Image/Tutorial Link) These simply awesome ideas will allow you to up your Valentine's Day game without breaking the bank, and you won't just be making Valentines with your children- you'll be making memories that'll last a lifetime! See the rest of the 34 Punny Valentines Perfect For Any Classroom here

New Monopoly Set Comes with $24,000 in Real Money Posted: 04 Feb 2015 07:00 PM PST (Photo: Images Money) You can’t buy anything outside of the game with Monopoly money, but that may change in the near future. For the 80th anniversary of that game in France, Hasbro is selling a special set that will contain real money: €20,580 ($23,513 USD). A few other sets will contain smaller amounts of legal tender in addition to the fake money that players use during gameplay. They will be placed at random in ordinary boxed sets of the game. The Guardian describes how carefully Hasbro is working to ensure that no one can find the money sets intentionally: The operation to switch the notes was carried out in deadly secret, in the small eastern town of Creutzwald, where the games are packed up before being shipped throughout France. “First of all, it wasn’t easy to get the notes. They had to be escorted discreetly,” explained Gaillard. Appropriately for a game where players try to cruelly bankrupt their opponents, Monopoly even roped in a bailiff to count and re-count the real notes. “When they asked me, I was giddy as a child,” said the bailiff in question, Patrice Wimmer, an aficionado of the game. However, they discovered a problem: the sets with the real notes expanded the box ever so slightly, making the packaging out of kilter - a tell-tale sign. As for the weight, there was no discernable difference between the real notes and the fake money. “The difference is marginal, unless you turn up at the shop with precision scales,” said Wimmer. -via Nerd Approved

Synchronized Skydiving Posted: 04 Feb 2015 06:00 PM PST (YouTube link) How do you take ballet into a new dimension? Do it while freefalling! An alternate but more likely question behind this stunt is “How do we raise the difficulty level of our skydiving?” Watch two Russian skydivers, identified only as Aleksander and Mikhael in this GoPro ad, dance as they descend over the beautiful backdrop of Dubai. The cameraman is not identified at all, but deserves a pat on the back for capturing the performance. -via Buzzfeed

The Hardest Working Dogs in the World Posted: 04 Feb 2015 05:00 PM PST Over the Mountain, 2014 | Image: Andrew Fladeboe Andrew Fladeboe is a multicultural American photographer, having been born in California yet being raised in Japan, Russia and Austria. He received his MFA from the Rhode Island School of Design in 2006. These lovely images are from Fladeboe's series on working dogs entitled “The Shepherd’s Realm." The series consists of three parts: Volume I, with shots from various geographic locations,Volume II, which is shot exclusively in Norway and Volume III, shot exclusively in New Zealand. As evidenced by the photos featured here, Fladeboe's location choices make for stunning scenery.   See the links to each volume of the series above, and also Fladeboe's photoblog of The Shepherd's Realm, which includes descriptions and background information on the photos. Follow the artist on social media via Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Via Slate | Images: Andew Fladeboe Leader of the Pack, 2014 | Image: Andrew Fladeboe MacKenzie of Tjøme, Rough Coated Collie, 2013 | Image: Andrew Fladeboe

9 Horrifying Things That Would Happen if Disney Movies Were Scientifically Accurate Posted: 04 Feb 2015 04:00 PM PST Every time Pinocchio from the Disney movie of that same name lies, his wooden nose grows. What impact does this effect have on his body? According to physicist Steffan Llewellyn, if Pinocchio tells more than 13 lies, his head will snap off of his body because of the weight of his nose: According to Steffan Llewellyn’s calculations in the Journal of Interdisciplinary Science Topics (JIST), Pinocchio would only be able to tell 13 lies before his nose reaches around 682 feet and he is decapitated by the force exerted by his head on his neck. This is 1 of 9 horrifying scientific implications of Disney animated movies summarized by Natasha Umer and Dath Meth of BuzzFeed. They consulted actual scientists for their research, so you can read a biologist's description of Ariel's real mermaid body and the aerodynamic drag on Aladdin's magic carpet. (Video Link)

Single Father Gets Help From Beauty School to Learn to Style His Daughter's Hair Posted: 04 Feb 2015 03:00 PM PST Colorado single father Greg Wickherst works as an admissions representative for a local college. After he and his wife divorced, Greg found that, concerning the care of his three-year-old daughter Izzy, he was woefully unprepared when it came to hair styling. As many parents know, any young daughter who wears her hair long has a seemingly unlimited number of options when it comes to styles, blingy barrettes, hair ties, ribbons and the like. It's enough to make a father's head spin! But Greg didn't panic -- he enlisted the help of the cosmetology department at the college for which he works. As one can imagine, the cosmetologists there were more than happy to lend a hand. The pictures here show how Wickherst picked up stylin' skills with no problem. Now, Izzy is likely setting toddler hair trends wherever she goes. Great job, Papa! - See more photos of Izzy' and her new styles here.

Which Dog Did the Deed? Posted: 04 Feb 2015 02:00 PM PST (YouTube link) Somebody got into the Kleenex and left a mess behind. This guy has two dogs, Gnarly and Kacy. Which one is to blame for the tissues in the floor? If you watch carefully, you will find that one dog looks more guilty than the other. -via Bits and Pieces

This Fire Truck Has 2 Front Ends for a Practical Reason Posted: 04 Feb 2015 01:00 PM PST (Photo: China News) It’s not a novelty vehicle. Two-front fire trucks are actually useful. The German truck maker MAN originally built them for firefighting crews that provide service in long tunnels, such as the 7.2-mile tunnel beneath Mont Blanc. In the tight confines of a tunnel, a truck might not be able to turn around. So the crew drives toward the fire, manning the end facing that direction. That feature is also useful in some congested Chinese cities. Rocket News 24 reports that Nanjing City now owns one, which is pictured above.

Parody Of 80s Hungry Like The - Things Are About To Get Hairy! Posted: 04 Feb 2015 12:00 PM PST Parody Of 80s Hungry Like The by Mudge Her name was Rio and she danced across the land, but then she was bitten by something furry in the woods and soon found herself transforming into so much more than a mere dancer. She grew a fine coat of fur all over her body, and her teeth grew long and sharp, as did her appetite for warm flesh. Those who fall under her spell had better keep her hunger sated, because if this gal gets snacky folks are gonna start turning into finger foods! Bring some delicious New Wave flavor to your geeky wardrobe with this Parody Of 80s Hungry Like The t-shirt by Mudge, it's the tasty way to show your love of the greatest decade of all- the 1980s! Visit Mudge's Facebook fan page, official website and Twitter, then head on over to his NeatoShop for more geek-tastic designs: Bloody Extinction Of Purple T Rex Dinosaur Mythological CYCLOPS SERVANT Eats Human Being Bad Artists Make The Best T-Shirt Designs Peek A Chew Chipmunk Gotta Nibble 'Em All View more designs by Mudge | More Funny T-shirts | New T-Shirts Are you a professional illustrator or T-shirt designer? Let's chat! Sell your designs on the NeatoShop and get featured in front of tons of potential new fans on Neatorama!

30 More Life Hacks Debunked (Part Three) Posted: 04 Feb 2015 12:00 PM PST (YouTube link) In the third installment of a series, John Green tries out those tips you read about on the internet called “life hacks.” Some work, and some don’t. There are so many of them in this episode of the mental_floss List Show that he runs through them rapidly without any, or not much, wasted time. Some seem to work very well; others are a wash. And a few just seem like more trouble than they are worth. Also see: Life Hacks Debunked Part One and Part Two.

The 20 Weirdest Maternity Photos Ever Posted: 04 Feb 2015 11:00 AM PST Is it a cute mother and baby photo or a scene from Alien? When people get too creative with a camera, you may not be able to tell. How to Be a Dad culled through the archives of Awkward Family Photos for the most ridiculous maternity photos ever shot.  Some expecting couples take their prompts from Harry Potter, burlesque, and from dark parts of the human soul that should be best left unexplored. You can find more here.

Mechanical Music Posted: 04 Feb 2015 10:00 AM PST Vimeo Link Machinations mesmerize in this video of a robotic xylophone, marimba and glockenspiel playing "Flight of the Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. The robots have names: MarimBot, XyloBot and GlockenBot. Their creator is Eric Singer, who is developing this robot group for a show in a Paris nightclub. What fun! -Via Laughing Squid

NeatoShop's Valentine's Day T-Shirt Sale: Get Free Shipping Worldwide! Posted: 04 Feb 2015 09:09 AM PST Roses are red, violets are blue and boy do we ever have the perfect T-shirt for you! Valentine's Day is coming up soon, and here's a better idea than flowers that only lasts a week or so: get your loved ones Valentine's Day-themed T-shirts, sweatshirts, and hoodies from the NeatoShop. Ensconce your sweetheart in 100% cotton-y goodness with his or her favorite prints. Best Line Ever Heart of Ice Veggie & Meatie Love Be My Chum         Star Wars I Love You Kawaii Star Wars I Know Kawaii Hyrule BFFs I Hyrule BFFs II Best of all, now you can get free shipping worldwide (yes, worldwide) if you order before Feb 9, 2015. Check it out: Valentine's Day T-shirts | Funny T-Shirts | Science T-Shirts | Sci-Fi T-Shirts

How to Survive a Disaster Posted: 04 Feb 2015 09:00 AM PST   View image | gettyimages.com In some disasters, a lot of people die for reasons that are later determined to be beyond their control. Yet in many disasters (sinking ships, burning buildings, weather events, etc) rescuers are surprised at how many people died because they failed to do anything to save themselves. An example is the 1994 sinking of the ferry MS Estonia, in which 852 of the 989 people aboard died, most of them because they did not leave the ship.   What happened? One person who knows the answer is John Leach, a military survival instructor who researches behaviour in extreme environments at the University of Portsmouth. He has studied the actions of survivors and victims from dozens of disasters around the world over several decades (and as it happens he was present at one of them, the fire at King’s Cross underground station on 18 November 1987 which killed 31 people). He has found that in life-threatening situations, around 75% of people are so bewildered by the situation that they are unable to think clearly or plot their escape. They become mentally paralysed. Just 15% of people on average manage to remain calm and rational enough to make decisions that could save their lives. (The remaining 10% are plain dangerous: they freak out and hinder the survival chances of everyone else.) Of course, there is more involved, like the human tendency to downplay the actual danger in a novel situation. An article at the BBC shows us the latest research in disaster survival, based on both real events and models, and some tips on how you can survive if the occasion ever arises. -via Fark

Seven Lesser Known Architectural Wonders Posted: 04 Feb 2015 08:00 AM PST This is Chand Baori, a 13-story deep step well located in India in a village called Abaneri, approximately 60 miles from Jaipur. The well was named for King Chanda, who controlled the area in the late eighth and early ninth centuries.  Also part fort — designed with openings in the walls for muskets and with four corner watchtowers — the well has 3,500 steps descending to the cool water below. Chand Baori is one of the deepest and largest structures of its kind. See a video on Chand Baori below, and learn about six other lesser-known architectural wonders of the world at BBC Travel.   Image: Wikimedia Commons  YouTube Link

INTERESTING.JPG Posted: 04 Feb 2015 07:00 AM PST a truck is on the top of a hill . pic.twitter.com/1KRyxA0cR3 — INTERESTING.JPG (@INTERESTING_JPG) January 29, 2015 a large group of sheep on a leash . pic.twitter.com/Q4LmKNjc2g — INTERESTING.JPG (@INTERESTING_JPG) February 3, 2015 a group of men in military uniforms are standing together . pic.twitter.com/ID5ZOfgIDz — INTERESTING.JPG (@INTERESTING_JPG) January 31, 2015 a bouquet of flowers that are on a wall . pic.twitter.com/P99uIeWovN — INTERESTING.JPG (@INTERESTING_JPG) February 3, 2015 We hear ominous warnings about the rise of artificial intelligence, but then we see real experiments that show we have a way to go before Skynet takes over. INTERESTING.JPG is an experimental Twitter feed generated by artificial intelligence. An AI software program was trained in photo captioning by having it analyze photographs with human-written captions. On Twitter, it tries to caption news photographs itself, as best it can. Sometimes the generated captions are almost accurate, although not particularly enlightening. Other times, they are hilariously wrong. -via Metafilter

Patrick Stewart As Every Passenger You Hate On A Plane Posted: 04 Feb 2015 06:00 AM PST Patrick Stewart is no ordinary actor- he’s a captain, a superhero, a man of mystery and a guy who has embraced social media in the most hilarious way possible. Sir Stewart proves the fun doesn't have to end after fifty, and he's such a skilled actor that every role he plays comes to life right before your eyes, including stupid funny bit roles in comedy sketches.  Jimmy Kimmel Live! asked Sir Patrick to use his uncanny acting skills to bring Expedia's list of the most annoying types of airline passengers to life, and boy did he deliver! His performances are imbued with so much dramatic brio that you'll really believe you're watching Chatty Charlie, the Stinky Snacker or the nefarious Seat Kicker annoy his fellow passengers. Aw, who are we kidding? He's too darn charming to annoy anyone, which means these are the toughest roles he's ever had to play in his actorly life. -Via Nerd Approved

The Atkins Diet Opera Posted: 04 Feb 2015 05:00 AM PST The following is an article from The Annals of Improbable Research. A restrictively nutritious mini-opera words by Marc Abrahams This mini-opera had its premiere as part of the 14th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, at Sanders Theatre, Harvard University, on Thursday evening, September 30, 2004. (That performance included an additional song, which is not given here.) Video of the entire ceremony, including “The Atkins Diet Opera,” can be seen here.   Original Cast Pianist: Greg Neil Dr. Atkins: Jason McStoots Cats: Margot Button and Jane Tankersley Scientific Advisors: Jane Tankersley and Margot Button Coffee-Can-Can Dancers: Katie Hazard and Stacy Raphael, and the Ig Nobel Minordomos Additional Advisors and Coffee-Can-Can Dancers: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, William Lipscomb and Rich Roberts, and all of the other dignitaries who were on stage, including the Ig Nobel Prize winners and Dr. Barry Sears (creator of the Zone Diet). ACT 1 -- “Feed Me” NARRATOR [SPOKEN]: Tonight’s opera is in four acts -- one now, three later. The opera is about a legend -- purely a legend. It has no basis in fact. None. Zip. Zero. At least we hope not. Be that as it may... let’s join the legendary Dr. Atkins. He is all set to write his diet book. But first, there’s a little something he needs to do. He has to choose one food -- one simple, basic foodstuff -- to be the BASIS of the Atkins diet. But there are so MANY different foods to choose from. Which one will he pick? Like all good-hearted people, Dr. Atkins often looks to his pet cats for inspiration. Join us now, as Dr. Atkins relaxes out in his yard, watching his beloved cats interact with nature. [THIS IS SUNG BY TWO CATS. THEY ARE SLOPPILY, RAVENOUSLY EATING LITTLE ANIMALS. BY THE END OF THE SONG, THEY HAVE MEAT HANGING AND DRIPPING FROM THEIR MOUTHS.] [MUSIC: ROSSINI’S “CAT DUET”] Fee-ee-eed me! Fee-ee-eed me! Fee-ee-ee-ee-ee-eed me! Fee-ee-eed me! Pro-o-tein Makes good cuisine. I enjoy umpteen types of protein. Bean curd (Meow!) Is absurd. (Meow!) Protein is best when it’s feathered or furred. Meow. Meow. Meow. I like to lunch on birds. Birds are too delicious for words. I’d like to eat a cow... I’m trying to figure out how. Meow. I like to chew on slugs, And also nice delicious bugs. But when I munch on lice... The thing I really want is mice! ‘Cause mice are fully twice as nutritious as lice. The ratio of mice-to-lice is quite precise. Don’t get me wrong, though! I do eat veggies with my mice! Yes, I eat veg’tables. Yes, ample veggies to suffice. Lots of grass and seeds and fruit, and sometimes even rice. It’s in the stomachs of the mice. Meow! ACT 2 -- “A Perfect Diet Regimen” NARRATOR [SPOKEN]: Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat. As all the world knows, Dr. Atkins chose meat as the basis for his diet. And the public went crazy -- buying as many copies of his diet book as they could get their ravenous little hands on. Of course, Dr. Atkins helped this along with some good, basic salesmanship! Let’s join Dr. Atkins now, as he sings the well-balanced third act of tonight’s opera. [MUSIC: “AN ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN”] Some doctors say An apple a day Makes a perfect diet regimen. Some make you pledge: Eat nothing but veg For a perfect diet regimen. Many diets, I have heard, Cut your intake to a third. They’re PERFECT diets -- at least, if you’re a bird. You’ll eat just like a CAT (And a nice FAT cat at that!) With MY perfect diet regimen. First, understand That protein is GRAND In a perfect diet regimen. Nice juicy MEAT Is what you SHOULD eat In a perfect diet regimen. Eat like an aristocrat -- Lots of steak, and lots of fat. Bloody good eating! And what is wrong with that? Eat it cooked, eat it raw. Oh, just go ahead and gnaw! It’s a perfect diet regimen. People demand That something be banned In a perfect diet regimen. That’s why I said THOU SHALT NOT EAT BREAD In a perfect diet regimen. I’ve identified the traits That make carbohy--ydrates One leading cause of high suicide rates. So, forget the French fries; They are not what I advise In a perfect diet regimen. Want to lose weight? You want to feel great? Try my perfect diet regimen. It’s no conceit To say it’s complete! It’s a perfect diet regimen. ‘Course, my diet can’t erase Laws that Nature put in place -- What really matters is: JUST DON’T STUFF YOUR FACE!!! But please put that aside. Oh, I urge you now (with pride!): Try MY perfect diet regimen. ACT 3 -- “The New Atkins Diet” NARRATOR [SPOKEN]: As you all know, the Atkins diet became the most popular diet EVER. Everyone followed it-- and everyone became slim and healthy. But now Doctor Atkins has a problem. What should he do with himself now? Join us as Dr. Atkins and his advisory board of distinguished scientists try to invent an all-new, all-improved, New Atkins Diet. What food will they choose as the basis of this new diet? Something simple, something commonplace. Something other than meat. What food will they choose? [THERE ARE THREE SINGERS -- DR. ATKINS AND TWO ADVISORS. THE SCIENTISTS ON STAGE CAN JOIN IN IF THEY ARE COMFORTABLE DOING SO.] [THERE ARE A TOTAL OF THREE VERSES. DR. ATKINS SINGS THE FIRST VERSE ALONE. THE REST IS SUNG AS A TRADITIONAL THREE-PART ROUND, WITH DR. ATKINS TAKING THE FIRST PART, AND THE ADVISORS TAKING THE SECOND AND THIRD. THE ENTIRE THING ENDS WITH THE DISCOURAGING REPETITION OF “NOT ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH.”] [MUSIC: “FRERE JACQUES”] How ‘bout TOFU? How ‘bout TOFU? It’s great stuff! It’s great stuff! Is it titillating? Is it titillating? Not enough. Not enough. How ‘bout SPINACH? How ‘bout SPINACH? It’s great stuff! It’s great stuff! Is it stimulating? Is it stimulating? Not enough. Not enough. How ‘bout CABBAGE? How ‘bout CABBAGE? It’s great stuff! It’s great stuff! Is it captivating? Is it captivating? Not enough. Not enough. NARRATOR [SPOKEN]: Tofu doesn’t cut it. Spinach won’t fly. And cabbage is discouraging. But you can’t keep a good diet doctor down. So join us now -- in the thrilling conclusion to the opera! -- as Dr. Atkins has a refreshing... and inspirational... cup of coffee. DR. ATKINS [SPOKEN]: Tofu? Spinach? Cabbage? Blechhhhhhhhh! It’s enough to put you off food. I need a cup of coffee! [DR. ATKINS SIPS HIS COFFEE -- THEN RAISES THE CUP AND STARES AT IT, INSPIRED.] DR. ATKINS [YELLED GLEEFULLY]: Coffee!!! [MUSIC: “CAN-CAN,” BY OFFENBACH] [THE PACE IS AS SLOW AS IT NEEDS TO BE FOR THE WORDS TO BE SUNG AND UNDERSTOOD. NEAR THE END, A KICKLINE OF DANCERS APPEARS, WEARING COFFEE FILTER-SKIRTS. SOME PEOPLE HOLD UP A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS “THE COFFEE CAN-CAN,” AND EVERYONE ELSE WAVES COFFEE CUPS.] Do you know the coffee diet? Though it seems a bit obscure, There’s no reason not to try it. It’s so simple and so pure. Coffee’s good at elevating Your base metabolic rate -- Gets your brainstem oscillating, You feel vibrant! You feel great! All you drink is coffee, coffee, co-o-ffee! Lunch and dinner -- coffee, coffee, co-o-ffee! You’ll get thinner -- coffee, coffee, co-o-ffee! Saint or sinner, everyone drinks Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, Coooooo--ffeeeeeeeee ! [CHORUS:] Oh! As an appetite suppressant Coffee is incessant. Yet it makes you effervescent! Coffee is just so fab! It Turns into a habit. Keeps you hopping like a rabbit. Here’s why it’s dietetic: It’s a diuretic -- Makes you GO, GO, GO! GO, GO, GO, GO! GO, COFFEE! You cannot get to sleep Because you want to keep On drinking, ‘cause it’s cheap. Record-keeping for this diet. Is so simple to keep up. All you do to quantify it Is to count each coffee cup. Grandé, venti, more than twenty Cups a day a habit makes... Habit makes... habit makes... habit makes... habit makes... habit makes... habit makes... habit makes... Habit habit habit habit habit habit habit habit. [REPEAT THE CHORUS] And it has no cholesterol! It has no nutrients at all! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, Coooooo--ffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! _____________________ This article is republished with permission from the November-December 2004 issue of the Annals of Improbable Research. You can download or purchase back issues of the magazine, or subscribe to receive future issues. Or get a subscription for someone as a gift! Visit their website for more research that makes people LAUGH and then THINK.

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