Do you like Morrissey, anon?

On love and prostitution.

May 29

Credit: Mondadori Portfolio / Contributor

I’m a 21-year-old guy, and I accidentally found out about SeekingArrangements. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and I’m still a virgin. Do you think it would be dangerous for me to try and find a sugar baby on there? I joined the website, but many girls were asking me why I was on there and were saying I was too young. What do I do? I’d prefer having a sugar baby over seeing an escort because I’m not looking for just sex.

DT: If you’re one of the 90% of men who can’t get laid without paying, a sex life is illegal for you. Funny to think about.

You should do this. But be warned, Seeking Arrangement is no longer the easy way out.

It was a market inefficiency in 2016. You could meet someone you halfway like. Throw them a few bucks to not make things complicated. No more.

When I was your age there were free newspapers you’d pick up at the coffee shop. The Village Voice was the original and biggest one. They had info on concerts, good movies, and other fun things. They had articles about counterculture topics like drug legalization, written in a less stiff manner than the daily paper in your town. This was “independent journalism.”

The Village Voice and other weekly papers made money because they had ads for hookers in the back pages. 2 pages of hookers, 10 pages of regular ads for lawnmowers, etc. But the hooker ads cost much more. That’s how the Village Voice stayed in business.

In 2011, actor Ashton Kutcher, known for assaying stupid but handsome characters in popular entertainment, championed the idea that the ads were for child sex trafficking. Child sex is irresistible to media professionals. A controversy took hold. The Village Voice spun off Backpage as a separate business, to keep the Voice from being sued or otherwise crushed. It didn’t work. Backpage is all but gone. So is The Village Voice. So is “independent journalism.”

But hookers still exist. They need clients. They go to Seeking. That’s why it's Seeking now, not Seeking Arrangement. They don’t want to be targeted as the next sex trafficking menace, which they are. So they’ll ban you for typing a dollar sign in a message.

And Seeking is ruined. Half of it’s all-business prostitutes. Half is fake “toe dippers” who just want to know someone would pay. Half is genuine clinical morons trying to be findoms. Half is like regular online dating but costs money. The girls flake, they’re mean, they reject you. Getting rejected by a hooker is as bad as it sounds.

But then Hinge is SSRI yuppies. Tinder is Slavic thieves. There’s literally no such thing as an IRL attractive single woman- not one who treads the Earth. Actual real Backpage hookers want it to go smooth like a Drive Thru. They don’t want the explaining and hassle and murder potential of a virgin. They’re businesspeople on the clock, AKA robots with no compassion. You don’t want that shit at your job either. So what do you do.

Stay on Seeking. Get interactions off their messaging system to text (or they’ll ban you). Then be 100% honest. Say you’re looking for someone to take your virginity. Be willing to pay $5,000 (I assume you’re in tech). Make a spreadsheet with 20 viable candidates. It will take at least 3 months. Winnow them down through long conversations. Don’t pull the trigger until you’re confident she will patiently explain how to get your dick into the pussy, and that she’ll be nice to you afterward.

Male virginity is not tenable at any age. It’d be nice if you met a woman you like naturally. Who could take your virginity and not demand payment, break your heart, etc. But good luck with women no longer happens. You gotta work and pay and control everything forever.

Katherine: Alright–here’s my question: Was it really an accident? Do you feel like you need to pay for romantic or sexual attention to receive any? Or can you get it for free, but just don’t like what your options are?

I think those are worthwhile questions to ask yourself. It’s telling that, even subconsciously, you feel like you need to make an excuse for it. You don’t need to justify yourself to me or Delicious Tacos. You definitely shouldn’t be hiding from yourself, either. Maybe you’re an incel–I don’t know. Maybe you’re a volcel insofar as the only women you do have a chance with aren’t women who appeal to you.

I understand that on one level, it’s not that deep, but on the other, moving forward means being real about your situation, even if just privately, to yourself. But here’s the thing nobody just stumbles into the world of paid sex in the same way that nobody really falls ass-backward into addiction or an extramarital affair. These things happen for reasons, some good, some bad, some justified, others less justified. You may as well know what they are.

But all that aside… I would emphatically recommend against tempting yourself with becoming emotionally attached to a sugar baby. I’d also recommend against losing your virginity to one, even if the answer ultimately is that you’re somebody who needs to buy sex to have any at all. If you must see a prostitute, see an experienced one.

You probably already know my stance on prostitution, but I don’t think I’ll be able to dissuade you. You’re going to do what you want to do. And if this is what you really want to do, play it safe. You’re young and men aren’t immune to being fucked with emotionally.

The artifice of a relationship with a hot chick isn’t the same as an actual relationship and as you’ll soon find out, hope is the last thing that dies in the realm of the romantic. You’re a job to her, which might be a fair trade if she’s an object to you, but I don’t know, I suspect that’s not what’s going on here.

My fear is that you’ll pay some girl however much–and remember, it’s her job to get more and more cash out of you, not everyone is ethical–become attached to her, and then realize that you’re stuck in some kind of self-made Pleasantville of a romance where it was all a simulation.

If you really just want a girlfriend, here’s my take: lower your standards just a touch (should you need to at all!). There are plenty of women within your age bracket who would love any male attention at all, and may even want to be your girlfriend, too. I promise you that not every Zoomer girlette is a raving nympho with fifteen simps in her queue… save for perhaps those inspired enough to boot up a SeekingArrangements profile or an OnlyFans account.

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I’m gay; how do I cope with not being able to have a biological child with someone I love? I’m not super interested in putting that energy into being annoying and fucking over children, and those seem to be the only options for me.

Katherine: I know this is irresponsible of me to recommend, but maybe the answer is to find a beard.

In my heart of hearts, I know the humane response is something like give yourself the space to grieve but I’m toggling between blowing my eardrums out with the The Smiths and Sinead O’Connor’s Nothing Compares 2 U and staring at the oppressive gray sky of Chicago.

So, you know what, find yourself a woman who’s 33 or 34 and on the precipice of giving up and give her a child. Forego IVF, it’s expensive. Just have sex with her.

What is life without a bit of romance? Do you like Morrissey, anon?

DT: I hope having bio children isn’t the meaning of life. Because I’m fucked too. 46, women hate me. Don’t know how much longer I can stand working. The meaning of life may not be in the cards. I have to accept this.

I’m working on it. What’s been good for me has been thinking about other ways to help the next generation. Choosing to believe the metaphysical is real, and simply passing on my (fucked up) DNA like a squid is not the end. If I needed bio kids, there’d be Philippine towns that all look like me. I can adopt with someone. I can be a stepdad to someone. I can help someone feel less alone.

Back in the old days, when gay rights were just getting mainstream, I used to think about what I’d do if I had a gay son. In the thought experiment I didn’t give a shit about grandchildren (so I guess fuck my genes). I thought about what I could do to make life make sense for him.

What I told my imaginary gay son was that he’s inheriting one culture from me. But he’s part of this other tribe too. And this tribe had an outsized effect on culture and history, giving rise to some of the best musicians, poets, philosophers, mathematicians, etc. People are going to attack you for what you are, and that will hurt. But you’re the heir to this great history too. You should be proud of it, and you can contribute to it.

Since my gay son won’t exist, that’s what I’m gonna tell you. Maybe we just want to leave something good in the world.

An Ignoble Experiment

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2022/05/29