Crier Quotes

"You guys mind if I get in on this?"
- Brutus

News Round-Up

This week, Uber officially launched a new feature allowing women riders to set their preferences to be matched with only female drivers when available. Uber says selecting a female driver will increase passenger safety, unless, of course, you count the accident.

A new report highlights some of the most unusual items left at airports in 2025, including a suitcase of rat poison, samurai swords, and fake human bones. Which means there's a non-zero possibility that at some point in 2025 someone got to their destination and said, "Damn it, I left my bones in San Francisco."

In more air travel news, Spirit Airlines revealed that its facing a significant pilot shortage as the carrier navigates Chapter 11 bankruptcy — and to make matters worse, the pilots they do have keep failing the breathalyzer.

At the Miami Open tennis tournament later this month, patrons can order the $100 Golden Glizzy, an Australian Wagyu hot dog wrapped in a crunchy, shell-like croissant topped with crème fraîche, mascarpone, an entire tin of Golden Goat Caviar, and a sprinkling of gold flakes. Organizers say if you think that's impressive, just wait till you shit glitter.

According to a new trend report, more men are getting botox in their scrotum called "scrotox" — adding, "I just wish his balls were smoother" to the growing list of things men don't know about women.

Archaeologists in Hungary have uncovered and opened a 1,700 year old, untouched Roman sarcophagus that was sealed with molten lead. And in future news, archaeologists in Hungry were sadly killed by The Curse of the Untouched Roman Sarcophagus Sealed with Molten Lead.

A new book gathers more than 200 cat-focused works of art spanning centuries, tracing the feline's influence on artists and pop culture. Pick up your copy today at your nearest book store's lonely aisle.

At a rally Wednesday in Kentucky, President Donald Trump brought out YouTuber Jake Paul to speak. Political strategists say associating with the Internet personality is a great way to show the President hasn't lost touch and can still relate to the common idiot.

A police officer in the UK was fired for pretending to work from home. Her supervisor became suspicious after noticing several of the photos she logged of her arrests had fuzzy handcuffs.

Editor's Note: Thank You and Looking Ahead

Two hundred issues! I'm still not entirely sure how that happened, but here we are, and here you are, which is the part that actually matters. I started this newsletter without knowing if anyone would read it, but now 200 issues later with over 40,000 of you along for the ride, I couldn't be more grateful to share a laugh with you every week.

As I look forward to the next 200 issues, I have a small favor to ask: consider becoming a patron of The Town Crier. Your support helps this newsletter grow on its own terms: less time chasing advertising, more time delivering to your inbox.

You can become a patron in three ways:

Tip Jar — A $1 contribution when an issue really lands
Monthly Patron — $2/month, plus your name could end up as a character in a future story
Yearly Patron — $12/year (Best Value — save 50%)

Thank you for being a Crier. Here's to the next 200!

Become a Patron

And don't forget, you can always support The Crier by picking up your copy of The Untold True Stories You Haven't Heard Because They Never Happened. Click the link below!

Get Your Copy